Fear and Love

"Practicing love often means feeling through fear: intentionally

opening yourself when you would rather close down, giving yourself
when you would rather hide. Love means recognizing yourself as the
open fullness of this moment regardless of its contents -- trenchant
thoughts, enchanting pleasures, heavy emotions, or gnawing pains --
and surrendering all hold on the familiar act you call 'me'."
                                                                                     ~ David Deida

When  my fears creep up my first instinct is to call him, confide in him, ask for reassurance and then move on.  I don't think this plan is completely wrong because it is my honest response to my fear, whether my fear is realized or imagined.  It is me, unfiltered, confiding in my partner.  But what happens when I do this is it puts stress on him and HE moves away from me.  It doesn't bring us closer; it separates us.  This is confusing to me because it is the exact opposite of what I want at the time.  My dilemma is then, do I filter to make him happy and suppress my true feelings or do I respond how I respond because it's honest?

This quote suggests that love is actually the practice of feeling fear as it happens, not retreating from it but realizing that maybe being in the moment will turn out better than running away from it.  It also suggests to me that keeping yourself open at all times, even if that means you feel like salt and lemon juice are being poured into the open wound just suck it up cuz eventually the pain will pass.  And, if you just suck it up and don't complain too much, the people around you will feel loved and you will get love in return.

So, I guess honesty is not the best policy.  Love means giving.  Giving means being selfless.  Being selfless means not complaining about what you are not getting.  Filtering is good.  Me.....is ever changing.

In The Closet

New Years' Resolutions are not my style.  They are just smack talk that helps us transition from one year to the next because for what ever reason, we think we suck somewhere after Christmas and before "the new year". 

So, today, as I cleaned and organized my bedroom, I ventured into my closet.  Holy shit at all the decades worth of fashion (or lack thereof) I found in there.  Shoes, clothes, accessories, files, you name it, it was in there.  And, as I cleaned I began wondering about the phrase, "in the closet". 

What was in my closet was a lot of who I was, who I am and who I eventually want to be again.  I decided to keep only what I currently wore or used while piling up the rest to place in storage.  And I got motivated.  I found pieces of myself that I had forgotten existed.  And I liked those feelings.  I felt like I had much more control over what I do and how I do it than I had felt in a long time. 

Hiding inside myself is where I've been for a while now.  It's time to come out.  It's time to remember who I am and what makes me happy...independent of anyone else in the world.  My daughter told me the other day, "If you had to choose between taking a joke or dying, you would die."  She implied and said out loud that I was, basically, no fun.  But folding up those close and shoes and accessories told a completely different story.  I am fun. 

Maybe I've been too serious lately because there have been some curve balls thrown in my direction and I have been sad and feeling helpless and hopeless. Maybe I have been waiting for my partner to help me.  But I don't need it.  I really don't.  I can manage.  I can do this.  I can get back to myself and I can be happy with or without what my heart truly wants.

Some of my best attributes have been hiding in the closet for a long time but they have been retrieved from the back, cluttered between the winter coats and the long ago short, sassy skirts.  They are shined up and placed on the most accessible shelf.  It's only a matter of time before I wear them out on the town.

Fear

I read a quote that resonated with me.  It's from The Little Book of Courage.  

At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you.  
                                          Susan Jeffers, PH.D.

True for me!  The chapter, called Know You Can Cope, talks about naming your fears and perceiving the fear versus the coping mechanism that we think we don't have.  In other words, just fake it 'til you make it.  Have confidence in yourself and your abilities even if you don't feel like you can cope with what life has to offer you.

I decided to make a list of all my fears that I could think of.  I chuckle a bit as I review this list.  I know some of these fears are unrealistic.  I also know that some of these fears are very serious even though I have no experience in my history that has helped create them.  But, here they are, for your entertainment as well as for my reflection:

In no particular order:

1.  Being trapped in a car
2.  Falling off a cliff in a car
3.  Rolling over in a car
4.  Losing a child prematurely
5.  Heights (with no guard or hand rail)
6.  Snakes
7.  Losing the man I love forever
8.  Rolling over in water in a car
9.  Unfamiliar situations, especially involving people
10. Not being good enough
11. Getting old and fat and ugly

And of course there are the fears of, say, trying anything dangerous...but I didn't really count them because I don't try dangerous sports or activities on a regular basis....

When I look these over, they don't seem all that severe...except #s 4, 7 and 10.  They make me cry every time I look or think about them.  But the rest seem kind of silly in a way. 

A few famous men said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."  This is the time in my life where I'm crawling out from under the covers to stare fear in the face and say, "Fuck off fear...this is my life and there's no place for you in it."  More to come.

Making it Easy

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle," is what I've always heard.  For me, I change it into "The Universe" or "The Forces" because I'm not a religious person.  I do believe this to be true.  Contemplating this saying yesterday made me realize that I have been given exactly what it is I need.  I have not been given more than I can handle and maybe my focus has been on the wrong things!

My Love is the man of my dreams.  Deep down I know this.  Deep down I think HE feels the same way.  But...trying to figure him out or figure out our situation has proven to be fruitless.  There is no figuring out a person who doesn't want to be figured out.  Just when I think I know what his intentions are or what HE feels, HE'll do something to throw me off kilter.  HE has his own issues to deal with.  HE doesn't want me to be deeply involved in them.  HE would like it if I trusted him more, even on the issues that drive us both crazy. 
I didn't think I could do this for fear......yep, that's the whole thought...for fear. 

So yesterday, pondering away, I realized that I am making things difficult for myself.  HE is trying to make it easy for me.  The Universe has been trying to tell me something but I've been ignoring it.  Ok, here is my big revelation:

I am not supposed to spend so much time on him, love, other boys, figuring out if I should have affairs with others, etc.....

Opportunities have presented themselves to me.  There are so many things I've been called to do yet I still contemplate sex, love and pairing up all the time!  It is exhausting. 

I have total control of myself, my actions, my life.  Take it as it comes.  Enjoy.  Live.  Laugh.  Love.  (ok, cheesy yes, but so true).  Today is yet another new day and another chance to love who I am, who I'm with and what I do.  So, I'm off... to do those things. 

Pillows and Candles

HE lit the three candles that sat side by side in a wooden bowl.  HE threw the pillow on the ground and said, "I want you to blow me  while you are in your dress and on your knees,".  I told him this was a fantasy of mine.  We see it in porn all the time and it's just so sexy. 

I could feel the wetness leaking onto my panties as HE took down his trousers.  I knelt as requested and took his hips in my hands as I brought my face closer to his package as I took in the view, the scent and the thought of what was to come.

My mouth watered as I opened my lips and took the head of his cock inside.  Slowly I took more into my mouth and stroked the shaft simultaneously.  I could feel him grow as I sucked.  HE moaned and his ass flexed as He thrust in and out of my mouth.  HE played with my coifs and assisted my movement as HE pumped a little faster.

Abruptly HE pulled away and helped me onto the bed where he stripped me slowly, kissed every inch of me and took me until the wee hours of the morning. 

The Fairytale

Things are changing.  It's a feeling that is not unfamiliar.  There is a tightness that seems unbreakable.  It's a wedge that sits between us and won't go away.  It's my fault.  I have obsessive thoughts.  I have to poke at, pick at, push, shake, and kick and scream until I understand everything.  It's a flaw.  And it's an attempt to control something that cannot be controlled. 

I am single handedly fucking everything up.  My actions are textbook mistakes.  The constant asking questions, shot gunning questions,  obsessive thoughts, insecurity showing through like a beacon in the night...ugh! 

And if I don't change my actions and soon, it may be too late.  I can already tell that it's more and more a struggle for him to be with me.  I can do it; I know I can change, but it takes time.  And I'm not sure how much longer I have.....with all of this.  It's been almost four years of constant stress for me.

We have fun but it's getting to be closer to 50/50 fun to not so much.  Gotta shift that number so that it's more fun again.  It's still there....which makes my heart smile. 

Feeling Loved

Does a person feel loved because their partner shows them love or do they feel loved because their frame of mind is such that they allow it in? 

Fetching a glass of water because HE knows I need it for a headache, stroking my hair and kissing my head for no apparent reason, telling me how sexy HE thinks I am, smiling at me with warmth and desire, holding my hand and stroking my fingers with his...these gestures make me feel loved. 

We do argue over this issue.  HE says HE loves me everyday, no matter what.  I wait to see if I believe him.  I use his indiscretions as proof that maybe HE doesn't really love me.  But my thinking could be flawed.  I could be seeing things all wrong because I think the whole World and all its activities are because of me.  It doesn't really compute that maybe when HE is terse, or angry, or stressed, that it has nothing to do with me.  That maybe HE doesn't think of me 24/7.  (That makes me feel unloved.) 

It's an attitude adjustment I need, according to all my recent reading.  Insecurity can make a healthy relationship get stale real fast....so I'd better remember that I'm the shit and even if HE's having a bad day, or wants to spend a little bit of time with someone else once in a while, or just doesn't want to be with me for a little bit, that it's all ok.  His love isn't dependent on anyone else, or any thing. 

If my attitude is that of confidence and security, then I will feel loved even if HE is far away. 

Change

It's funny how the world works.  I have been contemplating my finances for a while.  I won't say that the economy has "been rough" on me, but I have noticed that money seems to be spread thin these days.  As I ponder and strategize, I have been finding money on the ground.  Seriously, it's as if everywhere I look, there is change on the ground...pennies, dimes, quarters..... I haven't added up my found fortune but it has happened enough that it's caused me to think further.


Conversely, money has been falling from my wallet as well.  Pennies only, interestingly enough.  I look to see if my change section is zipped; it is, so I wonder if I just throw the change in without looking to see if it's in it's correct department.  I always bend down, pick it up, then place it in the zipped section.  Practice.  Consciousness towards my money.

Change is creating...change.  Consciousness towards any issue will bring it to light, causing actions that, hopefully, create a more positive outcome than the one previously practiced.  In this case, consciousness towards money issues will create a more positive way to handle it. 

Drop it, as in the case of late, versus throw it away, as in unplanned and frivolous purchases, are equal.  Keep the money in it's planned spot, as in what I've been practicing with my pennies, versus keeping the money in the bank (the planned spot), are also equal.

When I was in college, I used to "lose money".  The cash I'd walk out of the restaurant with was later found in a pocket, or an overnight bag.  $80, $200 was once found.  Money I didn't even miss.  Ahhh, those were the days.  Well, I think I will survey my luggage and packed away clothing.  Maybe I'll get lucky!

Training

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

Breaking this sentence down can lead to much introspection.  From the training, to the letting go to discovering what I fear to lose and why, it is a message filled with wisdom.  The wrinkly, little sci/fi character from Star Wars shared this Buddahism with Annikin Skywalker when he noticed that the future Darth Vader was torn between the Dark Side and the light side. 

"Fear is the path to the Dark Side.  Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."  Also a Yoda quote.

I have been living on the Dark Side, it would seem.  I am angry.  I do hate.  I am suffering.  So, training myself to let go of all I fear to lose is the answer, according to the little man.  How does one go about this training? 

1.  Practice, everyday, letting go of something I have no control over.
2.  Accept what I am given as what I need.
3.  Accept that what I want may not be what I need.
4.  Dismiss others' shortcomings as a mechanism to make me feel bad. 
5.  Love myself, above all others.
6.  Practice being more selfish, but for the bettering of myself, not for evil. 
7.  Show love, compassion and friendship, even if it is not shown to me.

Practice:  This means discipline of which I suck at!  Practice will be difficult for me but doable.  In order to achieve, I must practice discipline. 

Accept:  This means for better or worse, show love and compassion even if the action or expression seems as if it is against me.  This also means giving up my own feelings in order to show the other person my acceptance.

Dismiss:  This one is easy for me although I have been dismissing the wrong things.  I must dismiss the actions of others even if they make me feel like I'm dying inside.  Other people's issues don't have anything to do with me.  They don't have anything to do with my happiness, my success, my love, my life.  Dismissing things I don't approve of will only leave space for me to concentrate on myself and my life.

Love myself and being more selfish:  This is also not very easy for me.  I have control over myself, my happiness, my success, my future.  Take it girl!  Take what you want and make it all happen for yourself.  You don't need anyone.  You don't need validation from anyone.  You are your best means of support.

Training has begun.  "Always in motion is the future."  Yoda

Learning

There have been many moments  between us lately.  They occur at the most random times, just when we park to go inside a club, when we are sitting in the movie theatre, or while we're reading the paper at the coffee shop.  It's just like his horoscope said. 

HE's a Capricorn.  I remember when we first got together I was learning about him.  His horoscope is one that is very practical, sometimes to a fault.  And out of nowhere, it said, when you least expect it, HE will do something romantic, or surprise you with something that is completely unexpected.  Well it's true. 

Learning to let go of fear, and insecurity and control, in a relationship is the most difficult task I've taken on.  But somehow, the love I feel for him, the honest to god desire to be with this man, helps me overcome all the times I feel that the negatives are too much for me.   

Last night HE leaned over, after a bit of bantering about other women, and said, "I don't do it as something against you, I love you."  With that, HE kissed my head and we went back to the movie.  We are learning to come together through our differences and the dust is finally beginning to settle after the storm.

Back to my wonderful weekend with him.
 

Me

I think I was wrong, I think you were right
That all my angry words keep me up at night
Through the old screen door, I still hear you say
"Ah honey won't you stop treatin' me that way"

If you could only see what Love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be, in your mind, the Difficult Kind
Cuz Babe, I've changed.

Tell it to me slow; tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know how to let it slide
I swear I can see you comin' up the drive
And there ain't nothin' like Regret to remind you your alive

If you could only see what Love has made of me

Then I'd no longer be, in your mind, the Difficult Kind
Cuz Babe, I've changed.

I've crossed the canyon a thousand times
I never noticed what was mine
What you remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
Well it almost makes me cry

Oh ball breakin' Moon, ridiculin' Stars
Well the older I get, the closer you are
Don't you got somewhere you need to be
Instead of hangin' here makin' a fool of me



The Difficult Kind (music and words by Sheryl Crow)

Family

It has been my feeling all along that I was alone.  Not only was I an only child but talking to my parents was like trying to educate children on a playground on the first sunny day after a month of rainstorms.  My wisdom has always far exceeded theirs.  My rationale has always been closer to neutral than theirs.  And my gift for drama, while I still possess this gift, is far less prevalent than theirs.  And so the story continues...

Feeling misunderstood is natural for me.  I don't ever expect that anyone will "get me".  Now I know where that comes from, my mom and dad.  They don't listen to me or give me any respect. Seriously...they don't think that I can make good decisions, raise kids, make money, make sense....it's frustrating.  Most of my energy is spent getting stories and details straight, begging them to listen to me and going back and forth between them because they cannot not gossip about me when I'm not there.  They always try to "one up" each other by letting the other think I confide in them and not the other. 

They've been divorced since I was 13.  Since I was an adult and moved away, at age 26, they started having holiday meals together with their spouses and such.  How come I was not good enough for them to do that when I was there?  Why did it take me leaving to make them such good friends that they actually contemplated adopting each other as siblings!?  SIBLINGS???  What would that make me? 

I realize that these people are small minded and fucked up in many dysfunctional ways but they are still my parents.  They still affect me.  I still love them and hope they approve of me in ways that I cannot rationalize.  It is disappointing, though, to realize, at my age, that I am and have always been more intelligent and wiser than my own parents. 

It's merely confidence that they kept from me growing up.  If I could gain a healthy dose of that in every aspect of my life, I would feel confident to get angry with my dad and I would feel confident to keep them out of certain aspects of my life...but for now, I grin and bear it and keep my life to myself. 

My mom is flying out next week. 

Faith

How can I ever have faith that HE won't continue lying and cheating and hurting my feelings when so many things, and almost every single woman HE knows conjures up a gutteral sickness in my belly and in my heart?  Why can't I move past his indiscretions and give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that HE will tell the truth about wanting to and seeing others?

Is it too much to ask that I have a faithful, respectful and honest partner?  Yes, I know how hard it is to be those things.  I'm not perfect either.  But I have come a long way.  And I feel that my behavior is nothing but faithful to him. 

Why would HE want me to stick around if HE truly wants others?  Why would HE continue to lie to me if HE knows how damaging it is to our future? 

I wish I was the type of person who could look beyond major and minor fuck ups.  I read all the time that in order to forgive, one must forgive themselves first.  I am my toughest critic but isn't that the exact reason that I have come so far?  If I wasn't hard on myself, I would be in a much different place...maybe I wouldn't be as successful. 

Every day is so tiring when I feel like I do today.  I just want to quit.  I have very little faith right now that things are going to change.  Yet, my feelings for him stay strong and true.

Honesty

Loyalty isn't the only lesson I am learning in this relationship of mine.  Honesty is a huge issue for me as an individual.  When I found out HE had had affairs for the past 6, 7, 8, years, I literally stopped being afraid of the truth.  It was like an instant cure for a lifetime liar like me.

"Fuck it, you'll get the truth now," I blasted at him during one conversation.  And I meant it.  The truth could not be nearly as hurtful as the truth HE finally divulged during that fateful April day.  I am not perfect.  I will never be.  I will tell lies in the future.  But, with him, I am motivated to tell the truth, not to be hurtful but to demonstrate that I have overcome my fear of truth-telling.  Besides, HE has always boasted how much HE tells the truth and how much HE can accept me for who I am...so, it is a test of sorts as well.

I often find myself wondering why it is still so hard for him to open up about the affairs, especially since now HE continues telling me how the other women friends are "no big deal".  Isn't it ironic that I have more or less emerged the role model in this area of our relationship?  I tell him about men I find attractive.  I tell him who I am attracted to and when I speak with them or see them.  I tell them when the crush is over. 

Truth is like a giant caution sign.  The first time you see it, it grabs your attention and you fear that if the warning isn't heeded, something bad will happen.  You look all around to identify the hazard and you tread slowly.  After a while, however, you realize how to maneuver around the "pothole in the street" pretty well until you really don't see the sign any longer.  You just know that at that bend in the road, the pothole sits and then you move past it to your final destination, without harm and without injury.

When truth passes through your lips the first time, you are scared shitless that your partner will not accept you for it.  The second time, you are still pretty scared but you proceed with caution....until, one day, it's second nature and you don't really think about how you will tell it, you just tell it.

Then, at another defining moment, you stop caring for whom you're motivated to be honest with.  This is where the real empowerment comes.  You tell the truth because you want to tell the truth.  You do it for yourself. 



And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32

I am not a religious woman but I do believe in this quote; afterall, my dad used to tell me the same thing but he would say, "The truth will set you free darlin'".

Loyalty and Lessons

HE says I teach him lessons all the time.  I have learned one big one with him.  I have never been a loyal person.  In a college psychology class we partnered up with a classmate and played a game.  In the game, we had to work together, back to back, writing down points.  If I wrote down two points and my partner wrote down one, I won, she lost.  It was a game which, in the end, was supposed to promote partnership, loyalty and teamwork.  If we matched points, then we'd both win.  In the end, I screwed my partner out of points because winning as an individual was more important to me than being loyal and helping someone else win as well.

On Survivor, you see this go down all the time. There are always the people who give their word then fuck over the other person in the end in order to get further ahead.  This is how I lived my life for a very long time. In fact, I lived that way up until seven years ago.  When I fucked him over because of my anger and lack of self awareness, it occurred to me that I just hurt the single most important adult that I have ever known. 

I truly felt remorse.  I truly felt like I had just fatally injured the best thing to ever happen to me.  And even today, I still feel bad for my actions.  There are just so many more ways to handle feelings and situations and issues than to act selfishly with complete disregard for the other person or the consequences.

Today I can say that my actions are reflective of a loyal person. Loyalty is something that HE taught me.  HE didn't tell me how to be loyal or show me how it's done, I learned by virtue of wanting to become a better person, a better partner. 

Loyalty , for me, includes not having sex with others.  It includes being there for him, whenever HE needs me.  It includes being supportive to him even if it means that I don't get what I want.  (Ok, well, the last statement still takes a lot of work on my part but it's about progress, not perfection.)  I would do anything for this man.  And this is a new feeling for me. 

Maybe loyalty is a result of age and maturity.  Maybe it's a result of letting go.  Or, maybe it's the product of true love....who knows.  But here I sit, at his feet, loyal as a rescued pound puppy and no matter what HE does or says to me, I wait for him to show me his appreciation, love and affection. 

Life is ironic.  Just when certain lessons are learned, and it is thought that the world (my world) will now be perfect (as perfect as it gets, not literally perfect), the reality that your partner is not the same person as you sets in and shakes things up again. 

Loyalty is the pledge of truth to oneself and others. Ada Velez-Boardley

October

Holy shit it's already October.  Every year I vow that I will pick and prepare my costume before "it's here" but I don't.  What will I be this year?  Last year we attended two parties.  A vanilla one and a very spicy, diverse one.  There was a costume change.  It was so much fun but explaining to our first hosts why we had to disappear before the clock struck midnight was not so much fun so, we, well, just vanished into thin air!

This year we are toying with flying to San Francisco or some other more exotic location.  We attended a party there one year that was fantastically sexy and intimate.  There is a lot to be said for participating in a gathering not knowing a soul.  It is freeing to know that you won't run into an old co-worker or acquaintance who might tell your friends what it is you are really into!  I've always said if I had a super power it would invisibility!  And that's what it feels like to me to not know anyone in a crowd of many.

Now, to get the creative juices flowing, I might watch Barbarella again.  Happy October.

A Storm

I woke at 4am.  To the West, the sky was red.  To the East, it was still dark from the night.  I saw heat lightning and clouds. "Red skies at night, sailor's delight; red skies at morning, sailor's take warning," came to mind as I moved back into my bed and drifted off to sleep.  6am came too early but the weather excited me.

Rain reminds me of jogging through the woods not being able to decipher between the sweat and the drops that penetrate my clothing.  It reminds me of those summer afternoons when the torrential downpours would suddenly cease and the steam would rise slowly to the sky from the hot asphalt as, once again, the Sun would make her appearance. 

Thunder remind me of those days at the beach, staring through the balcony screens towards the horizon, as the wind blew through, watching the white caps increase and decrease until once again, the water was still and the clouds had moved inland.

Lightning reminds me of all those cow fields I'd pass each day on my way to school and how one time all the cows under that one old oak tree died because the lightning struck.  It reminds me of home, and no tv or electricity and how of all my friends I was only one who was not afraid.

Storms are beautiful and nostalgic and dramatic.  I felt happy today because a rare storm blew through and I got to smell the earth and the asphalt and the dog that left his muddy paw prints on my white carpet.   

Retreat Continued...

...so I posted yesterday about some nuggets that I collected from this work retreat that could also apply to my relationships...well in the closing of the retreat we had "Next Steps".  We offered how we would make a change in an effort to improve our team and ourselves.  Here is what I committed to:

1.  Listen more actively.  (If HE reads this, HE will laugh out loud, roll his eyes and make total fun of me.  I think HE doesn't believe I am capable!) But, yes, I did commit to it.  Listening is how we learn, hear others' ideas, and support each other.  I want to achieve excellent listening skills.

2.  Approach situations from the position of curiosity, not certainty.  I have actually practiced this today and not only did the person on the other end of the conversation receive me more openly, but I felt calmer.  An example:  instead of saying, "I have this great idea of how we fix x issue," say, "Is it possible for us to come up with a way to fix x issue together?"  Pose thoughts as inquiries, enlist teamwork and partnership.  Not intuitive for me but immediately effective. 

There are a few more but they mostly apply to facilitating meetings so I'll save that for work.  Some people challenge themselves by running marathons or signing up for the Ironman triathlon, but for me, this is the most intense challenge I could sign up for. 

Quotes and Relationships

Busy in my own head while at a "team-building" retreat for work (ra ra go team! ugh!)  I learned more about myself and my relationship than I thought possible at a work retreat.  Below are some quotes and my reflections about my relationship with him:

If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together.  African Proverb

Alone is what we are when we hold onto secrets.  Fast is the speed of volatile emotions when those secrets come to light.  Far is where we've been and where we're going especially if we decide to allow the other to be themselves, accept the other faults and all, and actively pursue bringing each other more into ourselves for better understanding and friendship.  Fast is the past.  Far is the future.  (Kaye T.)

Act your way into a new way of thinking.  Kevin Buck

We have reached a new understanding in our relationship.  I understand that HE will fuck other people whether or not I like it.  I am still not sure how to think, feel or act about this.  But, instead of mull over the past, the hurt, the lack of partnership in all of this, I must move into the future with this man I have fallen deeply in love with and spent the last decade of my life with.  I am acting like it is all good.  Everyday is a new day and sometimes I don't do such a great job at this but "fake it 'til you make it" comes to mind.  

One of the most challenging things in a relationship is realizing that the other person is NOT you. Kevin Buck

I know this intellectually, but I do not know this emotionally.  If we match, then we see the world in the same way.  If we love each other, then we see in each other what we see in ourselves.  If we want to be together "forever" then we finish each others' sentences, thoughts, dreams, etc.  Right?  Ummm, no.  But if we are so different, doesn't that mean that there's a better chance of us breaking up, "growing apart", or possibly falling in love with someone else? 

This statement, all on it's own, is probably the single most frightening statement someone can say to me.  Maybe I'm afraid that my partner will find out that I don't know myself or that I am boring or lazy or not driven or that maybe I still seek validation from others or that I need reassurance because my self esteem is not as high as his.  Or maybe I'm just afraid that I might outgrow him, that if I let go I might find something in him that I don't want to tolerate or that HE might not want me anymore if I grow too much.  

Maybe change scares the shit out of me and if we are individuals, not linked by a common thought, a common dream, a common anything, then I must keep finding new ways to redefine myself and be interesting.  Or, and this is the last or, maybe I over think everything because this man is seriously my match and it won't matter what I do, or HE does, we will be the exception and not the rule and I am scared to death to see what happens if we are the rule. 

I do believe, though, that if we become the same person, with the same dreams and hopes and thoughts, that we will become the rule and cease being the exception.  Be brave Kaye T.

Today

Sometimes love is best felt from afar.  Sometimes closeness reminds you of everything that is missing.  Sometimes thinking of everything else forces thoughts of love to creep in and consume your happy space.

Today was a beautiful day.  I felt love.  I gave love.

I didn't see him at all today.  And it made me happy.

I Am the Wind

I would love it if HE was more open with me. I requested this as a partial solution to the wedge that currently sits between us.  This is the story HE offered.

The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: "I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin." So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on.  Kindness effects more than severity.

Aesop

I need to be the Sun.  But can I be?  Am I the Wind because I was born the Wind or because my circumstances have left me with those strengths and weaknesses? 

I love him more for sharing this with me.

I Can Tell

I can tell when HE's mad at me.  HE says HE's ok or that it's no big deal but I can tell.  It is in his eyes, in the way HE won't touch me or look at me.  It is in his cock as he plunges it deep inside of me, maybe just  because I asked him for it.  HE needs space.  And I must be brave enough to let him go.

Love and Need

Howard Stern is a regular part of my weekday commute.  Despite his bad reputation, he is actually a well adjusted, intelligent, and thoughtful guy.  In a show this week he asked a "whack-packer" why he liked counting on others so much.  He wanted to know what benefit did it serve him to depend on others.  He said for himself, when others did things for him, it "...felt a lot like love...".  So I pondered for myself the relationship between love and need, or the idea of need as it relates to love.

I'm convinced my mother crippled me, figuratively speaking, so that I would depend on her more.  She needed to feel needed in order to feel loved.  If I behaved independently, she felt threatened.  I guess, to some degree, I feel the same way now.  If my kids ignore me, especially when I ache to get affection from them, I feel unloved.  If they ask me for something, something they need, I feel loved, and wanted.  It's a sort of fucked up approach to any relationship.

Why do I place my self worth on what others need, want, give to me?  Why does it make me feel better about myself if someone thinks I'm important or needs something I have?  Yet here I sit, self worth all wrapped up in love and need.

When HE plans our dates, I feel immensely important.  When HE asks me to pick something up for him at the store, it makes me feel loved.  Why?  The only explanation I have is that that is my sole experience rests on thinking that need equals love.  I feel stupid for not having another explanation but at this time, either I'm not enlightened or there isn't one.

How else do I feel love?  I feel it from affection.  I feel it from a sincere compliment.  I feel it when I'm included in otherwise unimportant traditions or decisions or activities.  I feel it when I am thought of in the context of anything. 

Conversely, if HE forgets to open a door for me, or doesn't ask me if HE can pick something up at the store for me, I feel unloved.  Not all the time but as a general rule.  Again, it's totally fucked up and I know it, but I don't understand enough of myself to know why I feel this way. 

For now, I continue to ponder and continue to explore when I feel loved and when I feel unloved and how being needed or being unneeded feeds me. Stay tuned...

Sadie's Bed

So check out Sadie's Open Marriage blog if you don't read already.  HE sent me the link for today's post and says HE likes.  I liked it too but I think for different reasons. 

HE never really says why HE likes or dislikes links HE sends to me.  HE says HE forwards because there's something HE wants to share with me.  Fair enough.  But I have to sometimes guess why HE likes or dislikes things.  It's not simple for me.  I don't just appreciate.  (Yes, I do know that can be exhausting and a flaw on certain levels, but it's who I am.  I'm a dissector!)

Back to Sadie...she expresses how much she and her hubby love their bed and discusses all that goes on in it.  She talks about how it was supposed to mean one thing but due to their lifestyle, it didn't mean that one thing and that it's pretty much ok because they still love their bed.  (I'm completely summarizing because you really should just go to her blog and read for yourself.)

Thinking about us, then....well yea!  I'd love "our" bed too, if we had a bed together.  We don't live together so we have his bed (a little too soft) and my bed (much too hard but excellent if you're a stomach sleeper like me) (Oh, and it's excellent for having sex cuz it doesn't give so you can feel everything!)

Second point, yea, I'd love our bed too if we weren't in this phase of our grand love affair where HE's having the affair and I'm the one in love.  (Yes, HE's in love too, with me, but it sounded more poetic to describe us that way.)  Betrayal and deception and all of that are not quite out of our way yet, which is a reason why Sadie thinks that beds are "sacred".  And we have not stated we will have an open relationship.  Baby steps I'm guessing.

After allowing the blog entry to swirl around my taste buds for a bit, and thinking of our situation and guessing why HE might really like it, I had a few thoughts:

1.  Sadie doesn't have to wonder if she'll ever marry or live with her primary.  She's all set.
2.  Sadie and her hubby are completely open and honest about how they choose to live their lives and they have settled on acceptable "rules", together.  The struggle, if there once was one, is all in the past.
3.  Sadie is confident in her position in her hubby's life.  She doesn't have to wonder if he is out wooing others and hiding details from her.  She is privy to his meanderings.

Maybe HE is confident in our relationship in a way that I am not at this point.  I know that I love being in bed with him, no matter whose it is.  I'm not so sure about allowing others into mine.  HE claims no one has been allowed to enter his... so for now, I have to believe that his bed, and my bed, are sacred.  I love them both but only because I get to share them with him.

Focus

Often times I feel that I lack focus.  I can focus and I do focus on a daily basis, depending on what I'm doing, but I can't focus on one thing for too long.  It is a defect.  I believe that if I focus too much on one thing I will miss something else.  Recently, I was cleaning out my filing cabinet when I realized that I had taken a trip down memory lane.  It felt like I had been at it for hours.  If I was, so what?  But I immediately dropped what I was doing to call him.  For whatever reason I needed to feel connected.  Weird.

Can a person be too focused on a task?  I think it's possible.  HE says that I get mad at him when HE's really busy and doesn't have time for me.  Usually HE's focusing on work or some project when HE says this.  My mind just doesn't work like his.  I don't focus as much as HE does on anything.......except on him.

Contemplation lead me to believe that I focus way too much on him.  It's not obsession but it's an extreme distraction.  It's fear and hope and desire and love and business and planning and the future and the present and the past all rolled up into one big thought process.  HE notices it and so do I.  Why do I care what HE does when we're not together?  Why do I care at all what HE does as long as when we are together HE is good to me?

I must narrow my focus on him and broaden it on everything else.  Maybe it's what will equalize all the emotions that have been ruling my life  for the last couple of years.  Maybe meditation will help.  I'll keep you posted.

Seriously

There has never been a time that I have been described as "the fun girl".  I am way too serious.  I grew up in a serious, volatile environment.  Being the only child didn't really give me a chance to laugh and play all the time.  A lot of times I find myself wondering why people laugh at certain things.  Seriously, I don't get what's funny.  Things make me laugh.  I do laugh.  I do smile. But I don't understand how to be light.  I do have joy in my life but I constantly wonder how to be "funner". 

I am smiling as I write this because it seems oddly ridiculous.  I wonder if there are self help books on how to be more fun, or how to take life less seriously....LOL  Well, at least I am good at entertaining myself. 

What are some ways you'd recommend having more fun?

High In Love

No, literally speaking.  I don't partake in mind altering activities too often but I did this weekend.  I had forgotten how, well, clear headed I feel when I'm high.  Seriously, clear headed.  Everything makes perfect sense and I make total sense when I express myself. 

We kissed for what seemed like hours.  I was totally in the moment.  It felt amazing and beautiful and exactly like what we should be doing when we're together.  I never wanted it to end, but then I realized that we had been kissing for what seemed like hours and everyone around us (which was probably nobody) must have thought we were the most boring couple at the party...and then I just cracked up laughing!

We laughed a lot that night.  As it should be.   HE was very charming, as HE always is however, HE was not mad at me, or guarded.  It was lovely.  HE was loving.  HE opened up to me and told me things that HE used to tell me.  I felt very close to him...

I was high in love and now I float around thinking of our amazing time together.

Writing

I have nothing to say really.  I feel so much that I am paralyzed where I stand.  I am stuck inside my head and can't seem to move on.  My zest for life is non existent at this moment.  And HE acts as if life is grand.

Letting It Go

HE says I choose unhappiness more than I choose happiness.  I disagree, but when I review my thoughts I can't help but wonder if HE's right.

Take today, for instance.  I review my schedule for the week and all that I have to accomplish. I am already thinking of a specific date that we could have this week because of something I read about in the paper.  I don't know if HE's already busy but then, my mind wanders through one of a few scenarios: 

a) Two weeks ago when HE was seen clicking glasses of beer with a woman, that I have met, that I had warned him was interested in him, which HE dismissed but told me HE'd give me a head's up before meeting her out, which HE didn't, and on top of all of that, had rejected my invitation to meet me for happy hour that same evening because HE had "too much laundry and chores" and was "too tired".  Fucking liar!

b) Multiple times when HE meets a woman, who I've never heard of, to fuck because her dear poor husband, who she is so in love with, has a heart problem so I guess HE is just there to save her from being a little pent up, oh, and it's fun and she is his friend....Fuck liar and cheater!

c) Who knows how often, there is a woman, there's always a woman waiting in the wings, to be swooned by him, who knows if for friendship or a love/lust affair.....Goddammit I am now just over the top pissed and hurt...

And all the while, I can't figure out why we've spent the last 11 years discussing honesty and "living life as you want to live it".  To me, it feels like HE just wanted me to live my life the way HE wanted me to live it meanwhile HE wanted to live his life like HE always has. 

I am a liar and a cheater as well.  I am not judging him for being those things.  But, I did think I was so special that HE would actually not cheat, or lie to me just to fuck someone else, who, HE claims HE wants nothing to do with except to spend a few hours every once in a while.  But the lies just keep on piling up.  And the bullshit is just spilling over the edges.  So, then, there becomes this whole stress and anxiety in the beginning of the week that manifests all week until I see him again, and he smiles and me and tells me he loves me and he's happy to see me.  And then I just go off and make the whole weekend a shitstorm of emotional rantings. 

So, do I overthink stuff?  Hmmm maybe...but I am still angry, and hurt and fearful that I will always be the cuckhold in the relationship.  I have made so many lifestyle alterations, because I wanted to, but because I thought that we had the same goals in mind. 

I will eventually let it go....but in the meantime, I wonder how much more I can take. 

You can only control yourself.
See the beauty.
Feel the love.
Give love and light to those you care for.
Let go.

Today's mantra for me.

Eat Pray Love

Eat Pray Love  As cheesy as it sounds, I've been missing the point.  Just saw the movie, shed some tears, thought a lot about life and why I worry too much.  I have the eating part down.  While I don't believe in the traditional notion of praying, I do believe my spirituality has not been fed in a very long time.  And, as for the love part, well, I do love...but do I love myself more than I love pain, chaos, anger, and others? 

"Send him love and light when you think of him and when you're done, let it go," he said.  "Forgive yourself," he told her.  "Just let it be," he said. 

Watch the trailer and good luck on your journey.

Today

I am dead dog tired and overall exhausted from a long weekend of emotional turmoil.  I think the well is dry now.....Life is too short and too sweet to worry about someone else's shit.

HE struggles with independence and partnership.  I struggle with fear and acceptance.  Together we make the perfect pair.

Nothing Matters

Nothing matters when he holds me in his arms.  I feel his love for me and all the problems of my day disappear.

Wounds

I remember so many scrapes on my knees as a child. I still have the scars though they have faded.  Tripping over the tree roots on the playground while playing chase was usually the cause.  The above the knee dresses I wore as a school requirement was no barrier between adolescent skin and dirty uneven ground.  And I cried almost every time.  The first bath was so painful as my mother would submerge the wound in hot water until she could lightly wash it with soap.  Then sleeping under the cotton sheets on sticky Florida nights would sometimes cause the two to bond into one.  But after a few days, I could run again on the playground and wait for the next one to tag me.  After a few weeks, I didn't remember the incident in detail but witnessed the evidence of fresh skin regenerating as the scab turned to a black brown bark on my limb shrinking until it finally fell off.  After a few months, my skin was smooth once again and only a little brown stain of a scar remained.

Maybe love is like that.  Maybe love is your skin and the hurt is the wound.  Maybe over time, you forget your tears, the pain, the trouble walking and sleeping, and maybe one day you wake up and barely remember the injury.  And maybe all you see is the small discoloration that still remains but see that love does regenerate over and over again, even on top of old wounds, until you die. 

Hotel People

Tommy was her sugar daddy and along with her girlfriend, the three met us at the door.  She kept asking him if it was ok to touch my breasts as her fingers glided across the bare part that was showing.  "I say who, I say when, I say how much," (quote from Pretty Woman) was all I could think about as I wondered why she wasn't asking my permission about my own body.  "This is not like the usual parties we have," she judged wearing a full smile.  We ran into her about every third time around.  As usual, I was one of the most dressed women there.

Everyone congregated in the kitchen.  Food and drink bring people together and by the way the ladies were kissing and touching each other, the hors'devours must have been excellent! The stripper pole was empty and the dj played reggeton while some low pointed lights swirled about the room. 

From room to low lighted room there was action.  More stunt fucking than sensuality.  The crowd was festive and diverse.  The small American Indian man, with beautiful long, black hair inserted his extra large penis in any mouth or hand he could.  He complemented everyone and was never rejected.  The tall, lanky blonde with the smoker's voice proudly displayed her tanned A cups through the cut outs in the top of her rather short, black dress.  She was seen later taking it very hard while riding on top of an also very skinny man.

The house was in a suburban neighborhood but I imagine it is only used for events like this.  The furniture was sparse and the sheets were most likely disposable.  We watched them all, the lady with her vibrator, the clusters of "odd couples".  Everyone was amused and amusing.  The pretty girl never came out of her dress and was a bit stand-offish.  "Was she made to be there, a worker?" we commented.  A few looked like pros.

The closet was my favorite spot, but then again, isn't that the perfect place for all my dark thoughts!  I was looking for the lock on the door when HE told me it was actually being used for the partygoers' items.  "Oh," I replied disappointed.

We bumped into Tommy and his girlfriends when he told us that we were the "hotel people".  He said that there are many swingers.  They "come and go" he said.  They have problems and "ooopsies" but the hotel people, they are rare.  They come in to watch, observe, whet their appetites.  "You are the aphrodisiacs to the swingers," he said.   He went on to say that we never get into any tough situations, that we are the ones that "last".  Then we go home to fuck each other, the ones we really want to fuck.

So, the hotel people left the party at the crack of dawn and made sweet love to each other until the sun came up.

Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Heaven's Door

I thought I'd be a back door virgin forever. The last two times though, have been incredible. HE eases his extra stiff cock inside my ass as if we were porn stars. I feel naughty and sexy and lusty that HE takes me that way and that I ache for it sometimes. After a few sessions of ass play last night, my pussy ached this morning for a good slamming of which HE was happy to provide.

Orders

HE orders dinner for me perhaps to woo me.
HE suggests what to drink, what we can share, where to go after.
HE tells the waiter that we don't need an extra plate, that we will share on the same plate.
HE looks into my eyes...they are the same color as his.
HE opens the door and allows me to pass through first because I'm a lady.
HE holds my hand because HE wants my fingers to be laced with his.
HE walks on the street side of the sidewalk because his grandmother taught him that.
HE opens my car door because HE is chivalrous at heart.
HE plays with my hair because HE likes the texture.
HE takes my clothes off and relishes all that HE sees, one layer at a time.
HE takes me exactly how HE wants me.
HE orders me on top because that's what HE wants.
"Yes sir," I think and then give him everything HE desires. 

Am I A Cowgirl?

"Do you think you're a cowgirl?" HE asked after I'd forwarded the article from Mistress Matisse's Journal. I wanted to spit venom and shout, "How could I be labeled a cowgirl when all along you never admitted that you were polyamorous you cheating fuck!" Oh but how wrong that would have been.

"Are you polyamorous?" I asked adding that it would be HE who would have to decide whether or not I was trying with all my might to convert him to monogamy as the article defined.

"I am non-manogamous, as I've always said," HE reminds me. The difference, HE goes on to explain is that HE is in love with me and only wants to fuck others, occasionally, for fun...not to have relationships or find love elsewhere.

"I don't know what I am at this point," I say. How can I proclaim to be monogamous when I've cheated on every man I've dated for over six months? I love men. I just don't know how I feel about the whole open relationship topic. Part of me wants desperately to try it so that I can see it's no big deal and move on with things. Part of me fears that even trying it will lead to unhappiness and the eventual demise of our relationship so I don't want to fuck with that. Be careful what you ask for, and all of that...

We agreed that we wanted each other for partners and no one else. We agreed that love had landed and was here to stay, between us. We agreed that sex with others is just for the adventure of it all.

While it would be wonderful to control the world, it would also be a very boring and unfulfilling reality. I don't want to convert him to be anything. I just want him for who HE is; I want him to love me like only HE can, and honor me and bring excitement to our life together. And I want to live a full life and have him to share it all with. Simple.

Sunday Kind of Love

His torso spooned mine with legs entwined and Egyptian cotton tangled in-between. Heat still radiating from moments earlier, we were motionless again except for his finger that continued caressing my skin.

HE Looked Beautifully Suspicious This Morning

This entry was going to start out with a clever quote about suspicion. I imagined it would give a message similar to my feeling which is "if it looks like a snake and hisses like a snake...." you get the point. But all the quotes I found talked about how only mean and corrupt people are suspicious. Hmmmm I just thought that smart people, who see all the possible angles were suspicious. Apparently I'm corrupt, mean, and don't know the meaning of pure love because I suspect....but I'll save that for another entry.

My dog pushed his front door open before I could knock. (He has a love affair with his dog but we wouldn't have it any other way now would we?) HE walked out donning cargo shorts, freshly washed tresses and a bare chest. His chest is beautifully brown and bare and I just want to push him down and fuck him hard every time I see it! HE greeted me with a smile and a hug and kiss and his very sweet "Good morning." Mmmmmm his scent fills me with lust. After the usual niceties I looked at him and of course, became immediately suspicious of his activities from last night.

Since his admission that HE sees his women on the nights we are not together, anytime HE is clean shaven on those days, I suspect HE's shaved for his date. I squint my eyes to let him know I am suspicious. I don't plan to be but it's as there's a mechanism inside me that reminds me that I would die if I was tricked into believing something that wasn't true....again.

"I shaved this morning and took a shower because my hair was itchy," HE confesses patiently. I know when his face is cleanly shaven and his was not. I challenged him. "I didn't use my regular razor," HE says. I open my mouth to repond when I remember that it really doesn't matter. I can chase him around all day long but the fact remains, if HE wants to be dishonest with me, HE will be. Why can't I get that through my head?

When I'm being totally reasonable, I tell myself that even if HE fucks someone else, HE keeps coming back to me. That in and of itself is something huge! And our sex life is amazing, still, after all this time. But my self doubt keeps creeping in to remind me that maybe he keeps coming bak only because I am stupid enough to hang around. Seriously, there is no one I know (maybe my friend base needs broadening) that would stick around while their man fucks other women twice a month or so.

So, most of the time self doubt wins. Sometimes, it doesn't. Sometimes I'm able to exhale, enjoy life as it comes and believe that no matter what, I will always get what I want in this life.

For now, HE is what I truly want and I can't wait to get him alone, tonight, and have my way with him.

"Suspicion is a heavy armor and with its weight it impedes more than it protects." Robert Burns

My First Day Back

My vacations are usually linked to a work-related trip mostly because I travel for my job but secondly because it is a cost effective way to go. Taking two non work-related vacations in the same summer is unheard of for me. But, for the past month, I think I have worked a total of seven days. So, going back today, after all that wonderful time off, was definitely a chore.

The goal was to get up, get out and be back home by five. I got home at almost seven and I didn't actually walk into my office until almost nine. Ugh! Monday and only four whole days to go before I can take another break.

My outlook was different today. I was relaxed, clear headed and ready to be ultra productive. Then, as if it was National Asshole Day, the really obnoxious jerks in the building all seemed to need to speak with me urgently. Obviously these people need a holiday and they were desperate to punish me for taking one! But I smiled, and told them to "fuck off", in my own, politically correct way. It was a refreshing approach to some old problems.

When I finally arrived home, I was eager to walk into my freshly cleaned house only to discover that my housekeeper didn't arrive. Ugh....more work for me at least for another week. Dinner was finally served, by me of course, then I headed outside to work on a patio furniture project. The redwood stain I bought was actually red. Huh! I was looking for more of a clear water proofing product. Lost in translation I guess. Oh well, so I'll have extra reddish redwood furniture. Maybe I'll start a trend.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

I spoke to him only once today. A little distance is good....I love him.

HE, We and I

We are missing the "we" in our relationship. The "we" component used to be so strong. There was no question in my mind; I had no doubts about anything and I don't think HE did either. Now, although we are still very much in tact, it seems more like "HE" and "I". I constantly try to navigate around his moodiness and HE constantly tries to stay out of my emotional "shit storm" as HE calls it. We are very cautious of the other. We want to be together because we still are and we still try hard to be good partners to each other. But, since I scavenged the message from his phone and found out that there was not only one but at least six in six years, "we" have been scrambling for balance.

I am really trying to forget about him and just concentrate on me. I remind myself that HE said they take up less than 1% of his life. And I have quit looking too deeply for signs, of anything really. (I do believe everything, every action, every word, every good intention, has a purpose and a meaning.) And I'm waiting...waiting for us to dust off our "we" and get back to the solid foundation that we built our relationship upon.

Once HE told me that the way HE got rid of women was to slowly back away until they became so frustrated they left. I can see how that works now. But HE will never do that to me. Hopefully because HE truly doesn't want to retreat to the point that we are so miserable that I scream "I quit". But even more so, HE won't do that to me because I won't let him. Fuck that shit! If HE wants out HE can man up and say it to my face. Who does HE think HE's dealing with anyway!?

HE told me to find the beauty instead of see the ugly parts. The ugly parts are just easier to see now that the "we" has been put away in some closet in one of our houses waiting to be dusted off and put to good use again. I do see the beauty but I want more of it. The beauty in our relationship is certainly a big part of nurturing the "we".

We will see each other tonight. Maybe HE will bring the "we" and I will bring the wine.

A Kiss

There was a moment last night, in the midst of the crowd, band revelling in their recreation of great songs by rock gods, and I kissed him. It was soft, and sweet, and it lingered, and HE slipped his tongue into my mouth and it gave me a thrill, and my mouth watered and for that moment, the world disappeared except for us. HE looked into my eyes after, we smiled, and I turned around and we re-engaged with the band and their fans.

It isn't gone. It's far from gone. It is just beginning.

May Loneliness and I Never Be Intimate Lovers

One of my greatest fears is to be old and lonely. There, I said it. I feel weak saying it but it is true and best to get it out there than to hold it in and pretend it's a lie. What I realized is the only way to get to know Loneliness and really feel his grip tightly, is to remain idle, do nothing and let him in.

If I keep moving, keep my mind stimulated, then Loneliness will never become my partner. He will never find me, will never get to know me and will never keep me company. At least that's how I think it works. But there are still some details to be worked out with my theory.

I have felt lonely amongst a crowd I was performing for. I have felt lonely when HE has been with me all day. It doesn't make sense. I guess one could say, "Loneliness is a state of mind"?

If that's the case then is it as simple as making the choice not to feel that way? Must try next time it creeps up on me. I've only been back from vacay for 24 hours but I have been alone for that time. I haven't felt lonely once. I have kept myself busy and engaged.

Part of my fear is that my crabbiness will push everyone away and no one will want to be close to me. But how do I just stop being crabby when I'm tired, or hungry, or pissed, or irritated? Is it just part of my make up as a human being and no matter what I try it will always be part of me? What about my anger? Oh....I have anger issues although they are subsiding over time. Will my anger isolate me into loneliness?

In the past during coitus with a lover, I have felt lonely. I almost never feel lonely when I'm walking on the beach alone, or when I'm sleeping, or when I'm listening to music.

I wonder if HE ever feels lonely when we are together? I imagine HE does when we are arguing or when HE feels unheard or accused.

May Loneliness and I never be intimate lovers. May we only be distant acquaintances who only bump into each other once in a while as a reminder that Life is short so each day should be played out to the fullest and that worrying about stupid shit should be left for stupid people.

A Little Costa Rican Nookie

We have never taken a trip together with our kids. Maybe it's because we want all that time to ourselves because every day we are bombarded with responsibilities that the ex parental units fail to give. Or, maybe we haven't taken them on a trip before because we knew that once we landed they'd be hounding us to do something completely different than what we placed on the itenerary. Or maybe we haven't taken them all on a trip because, well, it's just more work.

So we are here, in Costa Rica, with the three of them, and to say the least, we are focused solely on them. Since we've been here we've had one tiny encounter with each other which ended up in the quickest session of sex that we've ever experienced. It was nice though....very nice! Just as I was dozing from an exhausting day, and I literally mean exhaust-ing (damn SUV pumped Deisel vapors into the car and I'm convinced it made us all tired) driving from one city to the other. HE spooned me as if to fall asleep when I felt his warm hand wander down from my clothed tits to my pantied privates. HE softly rubbed my pussy over my cotton thong and it felt wonderful.

HE stimulated my clit and because I was already pent up, pussy instantaneously soaked the crotch of my panties. I remembered that noise was a huge "no no" as the walls in this villa we rented stopped about three-quarters up. My sole focus was on his touch. Behind me I felt his cock grow to an unusually large size. Must be the lack of sex we've had since we arrived in this tropical paradise. I reached behind me and stroked him through is shorts.

HE slipped his hand under my panties and I almost came the first moment his fingertips penetrated my crevace. I didn't want it to end so soon though so I slid out from under his reach. As HE pulled his shorts off, I gripped his unusually large erection and as my mouth began to water, slid the head of it inbetween my lips. Mmmmmmmm, HE tasted so good. I licked him and sucked him slowly, making sure to cover every inch of him. I stroked him as my mouth rode up and down on the shaft. I could feel his excitement as HE grew rock hard. Part of me wanted to make him come with my mouth but I also wanted to feel him deep inside my desperate hole.

HE climbed on top of me, framing my torso with his arms, and kissing my tits, nipples hardening under his tongue. I could feel the head of his cock dance around my pussy. As HE teased me a bit longer, we kissed ever so lightly and rubbed noses and chests.

When HE entered me, HE dipped in just a little, then a little further, then a little further, then, with a deliberate motion, HE plunged his manhood all the way in as if HE was trying to test my ability to stay quiet. That was the moment, had we been child free, the other villa inhabitants would have heard a different kind of animal screaming from the treetops!

I feel like I'm in another world when HE fucks me. The orgasm is intense....but it's especially so when you know you have to be quiet. After I came HE whispered into my ear that HE would roll over and let me go to sleep. I didn't want him to but it wasn't like we could go all night.....kids!

I'm glad we are vacationing with the kids. The desire for him grows each day and I look forward to getting back home, sans the kids, so I can show him how much I missed our usual weekend together.

Taylor Meet Alanis

In the last post I alluded, jokingly, that I had multiple personalities. While we all have many facets to our personalities, it made me think of this see-saw effect my heart is having with my head. On the one hand, I am this early twenty-something whose ideal relationship includes the Romeo and Juliet saga of a true love that overcomes all, Taylor Swift. My head, on the other hand, is this late thirty-something who has been screwed, both literally and figuratively by an evil representative of every man on the planet and who has so much anger inside that she creates a masterpiece which earns her accolades in her industry and world-wide but that also gives her the fucked up reputation of being damaged goods...meet Alanis Morissette.

Taylor, meet Alanis! Maybe, if the two of them meet and share a cocktail, say, a Manhattan, up please, they can get to know each other and talk it out. Here's how I see this happy hour playing out:

Taylor (T): OMG, Alanis it's really you. I have loved your music all through my elementary school days...you are so smart and loving; it's so nice to meet you.

Alanis (A): Hi. Are you always this fucking perky? Manhattan please, up!

T: Ummm, yes I am, what's a Manhattan? Can I have a Shirley Temple with just a splash of vodka? But please don't tell anyone because I am really a good girl with good values and everyone loves me and wants to be me and wants to marry me... marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone...I love you and that's all you...

A: What the fuck are you singing? Sounds like some bubble gum Disney Channel bullshit.
T: Oh Alanis you are so funny. That's my hit song. Did you know I was nominated for seven teen choice awards this year?
A: Oh, great. So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?
T: Well, I wanted to know how you felt about my boyfriend wanting to date other women?
A: I say fuck him before he fucks you.
T: Oh Alanis, silly girl, we don't do that. I have a promise ring with God. I am waiting
until I'm married. And besides, our love is so strong and we are meant for each other. I just don't know what's gotten into him wanting to be with someone else.
A: Well, you said it yourself. You're not fucking him....maybe that's why he wants to be with someone else.
T: But he has a promise ring too.
A: All men are liars.
T: Wow, sounds like you know a lot.
A: Yea, well, fuck 'em all is what I say.
T: So, you think that's the answer?
A: No, but I have to remain tough so that I don't get hurt. Waitress, another cocktail please!
T: Awwwww, you will find your Romeo. All you have to do is close your eyes and click the heals of your ruby red slippers and say three times, "Our song is a slammin screen door, sneaking out late, tapping on your window...hmmm hmmm hmmm"
A: What the fuck are you singing about?
T: Oh, that was my first super big hit and it brought me so many boys to choose from that I finally found my true love.
A: Well good for you! I almost found my true love but then Scarlett Johansen came along and fucked it all up! Bitch.
T: Awwww how nice....(hiccup)
A: Are you drunk?
T: Ummmm hee hee hee no!
A: You are drunk! Lightweight!
T: Thank you so much. You know, I thought I was looking fat in this dress but now I feel like eating those sugar covered cotton balls was all worth it.
A: Well good for you....Listen, I gotta go. Good luck with your issue. All I can tell you is that men will do what they want to do whether or not you like it. Just stay true to
yourself and if they fuck you over, just write really mean songs about them. But, remember not to call them by name because that will feed their fragile fucking egos....
T: Thanks Alanis (hiccup). You are so nice......good luck with your issue too. Just remember, your Prince Charming is out there...all you have to do is wish upon a star and it will come true.
A: Ummm sure.
T: Let's do this again sometime.....see ya later!

See why I'm so confused?...still, no resolution...just two extremes and real life in between. LOL

Uncomplicated Fun

It isn't hard to realize why someone would cheat, or want to have other relationships besides their primary. Sometimes primaries are complicated, and difficult and you think too much, question yourself and then act out then your head hurts and you just want to run away never to be heard from again. (sigh)

Having someone new, someone you aren't invested in, can bring relief. Playing with others can bring simplicity to life. I get all that. But the heart wants what the heart wants and when you have found your match, there is no one else, or at least it feels like that. And when you fall in love with someone, I mean really fall in love, you can't just ignore the relationship when you feel tired and your head hurts.

HE is very good at compartmentalizing everything, even me, from the other parts of his life. While I sometimes resent him for this (because it makes me feel less important, less "bonafide") I envy him for having this amazing ability. But I digress.

It's fun to flirt with someone you don't care about. I have never really been a flirty girl in the sense that I flirt just for the sake of it. If I flirt, there's usually some intention behind it. I am very friendly with people and I "cut up" with people which some could mistake for flirting, but I don't really flirt unless I want something.

As I continue the aging process (ok I'm not old people, I am just right!) I don't feel like flirting by women my age is necessarily taken in the most positive way by men. To be called "Cougar" is horrifying to me so I suppose if I keep my flirting to men older than me it's alright. But ugh, older men can be tricky. Younger men are, well, less complicated. I like younger men. I can control myself with younger men and to some degree can control them. I feel younger and more playful around them.

I guess the heaviness I feel about all of this comes at the thought of still having to play the game. I thought I had passed the point of having to flirt, date, find someone, make sure I'm not "alone", feel wanted, etc. HE, obviously is not past that. I'm flirting with the idea that maybe I just give it up all together. Then again, I'm not dead yet. I still look hot most days. I am the cool chick with some very attractive features, one of which, I'm not crazy...(no, I'm really not, in fact, blogging is very good for the soul and keeps one sane, my third personality told me that! Hee hee hee)

Flirting with the idea of just being a one man woman and not worrying about what HE does, or, should I say, who HE does, seems like the most uncomplicated solution. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander....so the nursery rhyme goes. There's a part of me that wants to show him that I can get people too, that I am not limited of options either. Of course if I compete in this fashion I am not getting closer to serenity, I am merely feeding my ego. But then again someone has to!

For now, it's status quo. HE's my one and only although a little flirting may not hurt and it just might put things into perspective.

The Far Away Place

Snot and tears slid from my face to wet his shirt in polka dots as my head rested on his chest. HE held me as I realized that my anger towards him was all about my dad. When HE gets quiet, when HE fails to look at me when I speak to him, when it seems that although we are spending time together, his mind is somewhere else it takes me back to that dark, all too familiar place. My tumultuous house with Mommy and Daddy.

Mommy was always yelling at Daddy and Daddy was always checking out emotionally. "Look at me, look at me," I often wanted to scream at him. I was eight and visiting my friend down the street. I rode my electric blue two wheeler with the banana seat to her house and was proud because not too soon before this visit, I had taken the training wheels off. It poured, as most Florida summer rains do. The showers come from nowhere and dump inches at a time and within an hour or two, it is as clear as if nothing happened.

The shower began and all I knew is that I had to get home and quick! I picked up my bike and jumped on. I didn't look where I was going I just made a bee line for home. My mommy had walked out the front door to call me in when she saw what I didn't. A truck was driving towards me as I crossed the street without watching. I heard her scream and my daddy ran right through the glass door to save me. I was fine but my daddy's hands were filled with glass.

When I recount that memory I think that he must love me otherwise why would he rush so much to save me that he didn't think to open the door? Other than that one, there are only a couple more memories where I felt like my daddy made an effort to make me feel important.

So, as I lay sobbing on his chest after our argument, I realized that all my anger, all my fears, all my insecurities rested in the plentiful childhood memories of how my father took short cuts, made empty promises, was physically present but emotionally absent, yet was filled with good intentions. Sometimes I worry that HE will treat me that way as well.

My daddy has no idea how I feel about all of this. We've never discussed his behavior, his silence, his absence. He lives in a world where life is peachy and the child is the one that must put in most of the work. He loves me, but from a far away place that has left me feeling empty, cold and scared to death to trust even him.

The Quiet Side

Last night we had a date (giggle giggle). I was super excited to see him because, well because it was Thursday and that is usually the beginning of my dating week. No melt downs, by me, (always by me) and I was just more at peace with the world so I didn't really bug him too much during the week. HE stood at the door and smiled at me as I walked through. I love it when HE smiles at me. His eyes sparkle and crinkle around the edges and I feel so warm and gushy inside. I always say it must be true love because HE can still evoke that reaction in me just from something as simple as a smile.

I could tell HE was still adjusting from his work mind to his love mind as we ate fish tacos and nachos at a local dive. We talked and soaked in the cool, moist ocean night. Afterwards, HE got an icecream sundae which we ate on the way to our next stop which was a bar in the next neighborhood over. A fellow musician was playing in his jazz alternative band so we showed up to lend support. The evening was pleasant and fun and just when I wasn't looking, HE pulled me close to him and put his arm around me. Ahhhhhhh, it was heaven. I was giggly inside. Eating and bar hopping are always foreplay for us. And after we are warmed up, the real party begins!

The lovemaking is always supreme but last night was extra so! We fell asleep and for the first time all week I slept soundly.

Does HE notices when I'm quiet. Most of the time I don't even notice it but last night, I just felt quiet. My mind was quiet. My heart was quiet. It felt really good. And the world around me seemed peaceful. Was it a result of my mood or was I just noticing that it can be peaceful and happy at the same time?

The quiet side of me is a side I'm not that familiar with but one that enjoys and revels in the beauty a lot more than the usual side of me does. Maybe I'll pull that side out more often and let her go on the dates and see the shows and spend the time with him. And who knows, maybe HE will fall in love all over again.

My Life As A Pie Chart

To gain perspective I asked him, "What percentage, would you say, your canoodling represents if you entire life equals 100%?" "Ummm, I don't know, 1% I guess," HE responded. So I started breaking that down. Out of 24 hours each day, that would mean HE spent 14.4 minutes a day, just over 7 hours a month, thinking about, scheduling, talking, fucking....others. That seemed high to me if everything HE told me was true and since we've reached a new understanding, I believe him.

I began breaking down my own life and, right off the bat, most of my time is spent working and sleeping! After those two chunks are subtracted from my "bank", I only have three full days left. OMG...three days to do everything I want to do in life, each week...that is not a lot.

This made me think of all the things I have on my "to do" list and how it's no wonder I feel overwhelmed and dissatisfied sometimes. 72 hours to solve the world's problems and become a self-realized person...oh, and contribute to a positive, healthy and happy love affair. Whew, I'm tired just thinking of all that. But there's no more time for sleeping, in fact, I think I might try to shave off an hour or two of my sleeping each night so that I have more time to frolic and play!

After the reality of what little time I actually have left, I began thinking of all the time I spend worrying, fretting, and complaining (which I do more than is necessary, just ask him!). Since nothing terrible has ever happened to me (yes I am thankful for this but I am also complacent with life as a result) I take for granted this time. I lounge, relax, and sit around way too much.

The thing about all of this is this: I must stop worrying about what HE does, who HE chooses to do it with, and start living and breathing the small amount of time I have to work with. Well, I'm off to make my life list. Maybe I will share it in a future post.

The Day After Independance Day

It was the day after July 4, 2000. It was the new millennium and the night before, I sat on the beach, with my family, thinking about him. I had hoped that one day we'd be together on holidays celebrating as most couples in love would. That was a long night.

We had plans the next night, once all obligations had been filled. We could focus on each other and we did. We were lying together, post coitus, and HE looked into my eyes and said, "You know I'm falling in love with you don't you?" I was shocked. On my calendar, in March, I had marked the exact day when I knew I was in love with him but that was a secret I would never tell first. And there it was, the confession of a man in love...and it was for me!

"Did I say something wrong," HE asked. "No, I just...." uhhhh, I was shocked. I was speechless. I had never expected that to come from his lips, so soon. I told him that I was in love with him too and the rest of the night was a blissful celebration that we felt the same way.

I don't recall any romantic event in my lifetime like I recall that moment. We don't celebrate anniversaries but if we were to do so, July 5th would certainly be the day to remember.

Gifts

Clearly I have failed to see that gifts come in all shapes and sizes. Gifts are not only material bobbles and tokens but words and gestures. It dawned on me yesterday that I have been treating his words and gestures as gifts but ones that are defined and picked out in advance. Then, when I get them all listed in my head I spew them out to him and demand that HE get them for me. What a brat!

Enlightenment comes when it comes!

If I could treat everything from him as if it were truly a gift, I would be much more satisfied with the outcome of our relationship. When HE chooses to tell me HE loves me, or HE chooses to caress my arm, or HE chooses to kiss me passionately, I should receive them as I do a prettily wrapped box donning a sparkly bow!

When I complain that HE doesn't do something or say something in the way I want to receive it, I can see how it takes all the fun out of giving it. That's why HE doesn't give as much sometimes.

Well what do you know? She is evolving.

Melancholy Queries

Thinking about the negative outcome our date had last night, I can't help but think to myself, "He's just not that into you." I actually fell asleep with my arms around him and the last words I said were, "I really hate you sometimes."

How can I get past the pain of knowing HE fucks other women?

How can I let it go?

How is HE able to be happy about the pain HE has caused and the damage HE has done for our wonderful relationship?

Why does HE choose not to talk about it with me?

Will HE be honest with me in the future or is HE just a liar that is pleased with the way HE conducts his life?

Why can't I find beauty in his actions even if they don't present themselves in the way I understand them?

What's gonna happen tonight?

When will the cycle turn upward toward the good, positive, romantic, fun?

I feel really bad about everything at this moment. Ugh.....

The Diamond Still Makes Me Cry

My hairdresser just received an amazingly beautiful ring for her 20th anniversary. I didn't notice it until she was blowing me out. "OMG, did you get a new ring?" I said. "Yeeeeeessss, I got a big girl ring for my 20th," she gushed. She told the story of how she had always wanted a bigger, better ring for some momentous anniversary and how this one was the one. Come to find out, she actually picked it out, made the deal, then told her husband where to go and what to buy. Not very romantic huh?

In my world, and in his, you don't tell your partner to buy you anything. You don't specify what make, model and price range. It just takes all the fun out of gift giving. And who doesn't like a surprise when they open the package!?

But, there is just something about that whole ring exchange that makes me want it. Not the diamond, necessarily, but the desire to want to give it to me. And it's not just the ring.

Once, HE had an opportunity to make a dedication on a CD HE recorded. HE didn't dedicate it to me. I was crushed. HE dedicated it to his daughters. I get that. But then HE recorded another and he didn't make one to me then either.

It has always been part of my fairytale for my Prince Charming to profess his love for me around every turn. Yes, I get that idea from Hollywood. That never happens in real life right?

I have no doubt that we have more romance, fun, friendship and happiness in our relationship than does my hairdresser, but I want all the other stuff too. Is that too much to ask?

Who's Crying Now

It's been a mystery and still they try to see
Why somethin' good can hurt so bad
Caught on a one-way street, the taste of bittersweet
Love will survive somehow, some way

One love feeds the fire
One heart burns desire
I wonder, who's cryin' now
Two hearts born to run
Who'll be the lonely one
I wonder, who's cryin' now

So many stormy nights, so many wrongs or rights
Neither could change their headstrong ways
And in a lover's rage, they tore another page
The fightin' is worth the love they save...

Only so many tears you can cry
'Til the heartache is over
And now you can say your love
Will never die

By: Journey...I never connected with this song until the road trip to Wyoming. It speaks to me. This is where I am in my relationship. HE says that I must have drama and angst and hurdles in order to feel love.

This love affair is so different from what I expected. WE are totally "two hearts born to run" but we slammed right into each other and I know that HE feels like I do, that I am his match, for better or worse.