HE, We and I

We are missing the "we" in our relationship. The "we" component used to be so strong. There was no question in my mind; I had no doubts about anything and I don't think HE did either. Now, although we are still very much in tact, it seems more like "HE" and "I". I constantly try to navigate around his moodiness and HE constantly tries to stay out of my emotional "shit storm" as HE calls it. We are very cautious of the other. We want to be together because we still are and we still try hard to be good partners to each other. But, since I scavenged the message from his phone and found out that there was not only one but at least six in six years, "we" have been scrambling for balance.

I am really trying to forget about him and just concentrate on me. I remind myself that HE said they take up less than 1% of his life. And I have quit looking too deeply for signs, of anything really. (I do believe everything, every action, every word, every good intention, has a purpose and a meaning.) And I'm waiting...waiting for us to dust off our "we" and get back to the solid foundation that we built our relationship upon.

Once HE told me that the way HE got rid of women was to slowly back away until they became so frustrated they left. I can see how that works now. But HE will never do that to me. Hopefully because HE truly doesn't want to retreat to the point that we are so miserable that I scream "I quit". But even more so, HE won't do that to me because I won't let him. Fuck that shit! If HE wants out HE can man up and say it to my face. Who does HE think HE's dealing with anyway!?

HE told me to find the beauty instead of see the ugly parts. The ugly parts are just easier to see now that the "we" has been put away in some closet in one of our houses waiting to be dusted off and put to good use again. I do see the beauty but I want more of it. The beauty in our relationship is certainly a big part of nurturing the "we".

We will see each other tonight. Maybe HE will bring the "we" and I will bring the wine.