Me

I think I was wrong, I think you were right
That all my angry words keep me up at night
Through the old screen door, I still hear you say
"Ah honey won't you stop treatin' me that way"

If you could only see what Love has made of me
Then I'd no longer be, in your mind, the Difficult Kind
Cuz Babe, I've changed.

Tell it to me slow; tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know how to let it slide
I swear I can see you comin' up the drive
And there ain't nothin' like Regret to remind you your alive

If you could only see what Love has made of me

Then I'd no longer be, in your mind, the Difficult Kind
Cuz Babe, I've changed.

I've crossed the canyon a thousand times
I never noticed what was mine
What you remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
Well it almost makes me cry

Oh ball breakin' Moon, ridiculin' Stars
Well the older I get, the closer you are
Don't you got somewhere you need to be
Instead of hangin' here makin' a fool of me



The Difficult Kind (music and words by Sheryl Crow)

Family

It has been my feeling all along that I was alone.  Not only was I an only child but talking to my parents was like trying to educate children on a playground on the first sunny day after a month of rainstorms.  My wisdom has always far exceeded theirs.  My rationale has always been closer to neutral than theirs.  And my gift for drama, while I still possess this gift, is far less prevalent than theirs.  And so the story continues...

Feeling misunderstood is natural for me.  I don't ever expect that anyone will "get me".  Now I know where that comes from, my mom and dad.  They don't listen to me or give me any respect. Seriously...they don't think that I can make good decisions, raise kids, make money, make sense....it's frustrating.  Most of my energy is spent getting stories and details straight, begging them to listen to me and going back and forth between them because they cannot not gossip about me when I'm not there.  They always try to "one up" each other by letting the other think I confide in them and not the other. 

They've been divorced since I was 13.  Since I was an adult and moved away, at age 26, they started having holiday meals together with their spouses and such.  How come I was not good enough for them to do that when I was there?  Why did it take me leaving to make them such good friends that they actually contemplated adopting each other as siblings!?  SIBLINGS???  What would that make me? 

I realize that these people are small minded and fucked up in many dysfunctional ways but they are still my parents.  They still affect me.  I still love them and hope they approve of me in ways that I cannot rationalize.  It is disappointing, though, to realize, at my age, that I am and have always been more intelligent and wiser than my own parents. 

It's merely confidence that they kept from me growing up.  If I could gain a healthy dose of that in every aspect of my life, I would feel confident to get angry with my dad and I would feel confident to keep them out of certain aspects of my life...but for now, I grin and bear it and keep my life to myself. 

My mom is flying out next week. 

Faith

How can I ever have faith that HE won't continue lying and cheating and hurting my feelings when so many things, and almost every single woman HE knows conjures up a gutteral sickness in my belly and in my heart?  Why can't I move past his indiscretions and give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that HE will tell the truth about wanting to and seeing others?

Is it too much to ask that I have a faithful, respectful and honest partner?  Yes, I know how hard it is to be those things.  I'm not perfect either.  But I have come a long way.  And I feel that my behavior is nothing but faithful to him. 

Why would HE want me to stick around if HE truly wants others?  Why would HE continue to lie to me if HE knows how damaging it is to our future? 

I wish I was the type of person who could look beyond major and minor fuck ups.  I read all the time that in order to forgive, one must forgive themselves first.  I am my toughest critic but isn't that the exact reason that I have come so far?  If I wasn't hard on myself, I would be in a much different place...maybe I wouldn't be as successful. 

Every day is so tiring when I feel like I do today.  I just want to quit.  I have very little faith right now that things are going to change.  Yet, my feelings for him stay strong and true.

Honesty

Loyalty isn't the only lesson I am learning in this relationship of mine.  Honesty is a huge issue for me as an individual.  When I found out HE had had affairs for the past 6, 7, 8, years, I literally stopped being afraid of the truth.  It was like an instant cure for a lifetime liar like me.

"Fuck it, you'll get the truth now," I blasted at him during one conversation.  And I meant it.  The truth could not be nearly as hurtful as the truth HE finally divulged during that fateful April day.  I am not perfect.  I will never be.  I will tell lies in the future.  But, with him, I am motivated to tell the truth, not to be hurtful but to demonstrate that I have overcome my fear of truth-telling.  Besides, HE has always boasted how much HE tells the truth and how much HE can accept me for who I am...so, it is a test of sorts as well.

I often find myself wondering why it is still so hard for him to open up about the affairs, especially since now HE continues telling me how the other women friends are "no big deal".  Isn't it ironic that I have more or less emerged the role model in this area of our relationship?  I tell him about men I find attractive.  I tell him who I am attracted to and when I speak with them or see them.  I tell them when the crush is over. 

Truth is like a giant caution sign.  The first time you see it, it grabs your attention and you fear that if the warning isn't heeded, something bad will happen.  You look all around to identify the hazard and you tread slowly.  After a while, however, you realize how to maneuver around the "pothole in the street" pretty well until you really don't see the sign any longer.  You just know that at that bend in the road, the pothole sits and then you move past it to your final destination, without harm and without injury.

When truth passes through your lips the first time, you are scared shitless that your partner will not accept you for it.  The second time, you are still pretty scared but you proceed with caution....until, one day, it's second nature and you don't really think about how you will tell it, you just tell it.

Then, at another defining moment, you stop caring for whom you're motivated to be honest with.  This is where the real empowerment comes.  You tell the truth because you want to tell the truth.  You do it for yourself. 



And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32

I am not a religious woman but I do believe in this quote; afterall, my dad used to tell me the same thing but he would say, "The truth will set you free darlin'".

Loyalty and Lessons

HE says I teach him lessons all the time.  I have learned one big one with him.  I have never been a loyal person.  In a college psychology class we partnered up with a classmate and played a game.  In the game, we had to work together, back to back, writing down points.  If I wrote down two points and my partner wrote down one, I won, she lost.  It was a game which, in the end, was supposed to promote partnership, loyalty and teamwork.  If we matched points, then we'd both win.  In the end, I screwed my partner out of points because winning as an individual was more important to me than being loyal and helping someone else win as well.

On Survivor, you see this go down all the time. There are always the people who give their word then fuck over the other person in the end in order to get further ahead.  This is how I lived my life for a very long time. In fact, I lived that way up until seven years ago.  When I fucked him over because of my anger and lack of self awareness, it occurred to me that I just hurt the single most important adult that I have ever known. 

I truly felt remorse.  I truly felt like I had just fatally injured the best thing to ever happen to me.  And even today, I still feel bad for my actions.  There are just so many more ways to handle feelings and situations and issues than to act selfishly with complete disregard for the other person or the consequences.

Today I can say that my actions are reflective of a loyal person. Loyalty is something that HE taught me.  HE didn't tell me how to be loyal or show me how it's done, I learned by virtue of wanting to become a better person, a better partner. 

Loyalty , for me, includes not having sex with others.  It includes being there for him, whenever HE needs me.  It includes being supportive to him even if it means that I don't get what I want.  (Ok, well, the last statement still takes a lot of work on my part but it's about progress, not perfection.)  I would do anything for this man.  And this is a new feeling for me. 

Maybe loyalty is a result of age and maturity.  Maybe it's a result of letting go.  Or, maybe it's the product of true love....who knows.  But here I sit, at his feet, loyal as a rescued pound puppy and no matter what HE does or says to me, I wait for him to show me his appreciation, love and affection. 

Life is ironic.  Just when certain lessons are learned, and it is thought that the world (my world) will now be perfect (as perfect as it gets, not literally perfect), the reality that your partner is not the same person as you sets in and shakes things up again. 

Loyalty is the pledge of truth to oneself and others. Ada Velez-Boardley

October

Holy shit it's already October.  Every year I vow that I will pick and prepare my costume before "it's here" but I don't.  What will I be this year?  Last year we attended two parties.  A vanilla one and a very spicy, diverse one.  There was a costume change.  It was so much fun but explaining to our first hosts why we had to disappear before the clock struck midnight was not so much fun so, we, well, just vanished into thin air!

This year we are toying with flying to San Francisco or some other more exotic location.  We attended a party there one year that was fantastically sexy and intimate.  There is a lot to be said for participating in a gathering not knowing a soul.  It is freeing to know that you won't run into an old co-worker or acquaintance who might tell your friends what it is you are really into!  I've always said if I had a super power it would invisibility!  And that's what it feels like to me to not know anyone in a crowd of many.

Now, to get the creative juices flowing, I might watch Barbarella again.  Happy October.