May Loneliness and I Never Be Intimate Lovers

One of my greatest fears is to be old and lonely. There, I said it. I feel weak saying it but it is true and best to get it out there than to hold it in and pretend it's a lie. What I realized is the only way to get to know Loneliness and really feel his grip tightly, is to remain idle, do nothing and let him in.

If I keep moving, keep my mind stimulated, then Loneliness will never become my partner. He will never find me, will never get to know me and will never keep me company. At least that's how I think it works. But there are still some details to be worked out with my theory.

I have felt lonely amongst a crowd I was performing for. I have felt lonely when HE has been with me all day. It doesn't make sense. I guess one could say, "Loneliness is a state of mind"?

If that's the case then is it as simple as making the choice not to feel that way? Must try next time it creeps up on me. I've only been back from vacay for 24 hours but I have been alone for that time. I haven't felt lonely once. I have kept myself busy and engaged.

Part of my fear is that my crabbiness will push everyone away and no one will want to be close to me. But how do I just stop being crabby when I'm tired, or hungry, or pissed, or irritated? Is it just part of my make up as a human being and no matter what I try it will always be part of me? What about my anger? Oh....I have anger issues although they are subsiding over time. Will my anger isolate me into loneliness?

In the past during coitus with a lover, I have felt lonely. I almost never feel lonely when I'm walking on the beach alone, or when I'm sleeping, or when I'm listening to music.

I wonder if HE ever feels lonely when we are together? I imagine HE does when we are arguing or when HE feels unheard or accused.

May Loneliness and I never be intimate lovers. May we only be distant acquaintances who only bump into each other once in a while as a reminder that Life is short so each day should be played out to the fullest and that worrying about stupid shit should be left for stupid people.