In The Closet

New Years' Resolutions are not my style.  They are just smack talk that helps us transition from one year to the next because for what ever reason, we think we suck somewhere after Christmas and before "the new year". 

So, today, as I cleaned and organized my bedroom, I ventured into my closet.  Holy shit at all the decades worth of fashion (or lack thereof) I found in there.  Shoes, clothes, accessories, files, you name it, it was in there.  And, as I cleaned I began wondering about the phrase, "in the closet". 

What was in my closet was a lot of who I was, who I am and who I eventually want to be again.  I decided to keep only what I currently wore or used while piling up the rest to place in storage.  And I got motivated.  I found pieces of myself that I had forgotten existed.  And I liked those feelings.  I felt like I had much more control over what I do and how I do it than I had felt in a long time. 

Hiding inside myself is where I've been for a while now.  It's time to come out.  It's time to remember who I am and what makes me happy...independent of anyone else in the world.  My daughter told me the other day, "If you had to choose between taking a joke or dying, you would die."  She implied and said out loud that I was, basically, no fun.  But folding up those close and shoes and accessories told a completely different story.  I am fun. 

Maybe I've been too serious lately because there have been some curve balls thrown in my direction and I have been sad and feeling helpless and hopeless. Maybe I have been waiting for my partner to help me.  But I don't need it.  I really don't.  I can manage.  I can do this.  I can get back to myself and I can be happy with or without what my heart truly wants.

Some of my best attributes have been hiding in the closet for a long time but they have been retrieved from the back, cluttered between the winter coats and the long ago short, sassy skirts.  They are shined up and placed on the most accessible shelf.  It's only a matter of time before I wear them out on the town.