Family

It has been my feeling all along that I was alone.  Not only was I an only child but talking to my parents was like trying to educate children on a playground on the first sunny day after a month of rainstorms.  My wisdom has always far exceeded theirs.  My rationale has always been closer to neutral than theirs.  And my gift for drama, while I still possess this gift, is far less prevalent than theirs.  And so the story continues...

Feeling misunderstood is natural for me.  I don't ever expect that anyone will "get me".  Now I know where that comes from, my mom and dad.  They don't listen to me or give me any respect. Seriously...they don't think that I can make good decisions, raise kids, make money, make sense....it's frustrating.  Most of my energy is spent getting stories and details straight, begging them to listen to me and going back and forth between them because they cannot not gossip about me when I'm not there.  They always try to "one up" each other by letting the other think I confide in them and not the other. 

They've been divorced since I was 13.  Since I was an adult and moved away, at age 26, they started having holiday meals together with their spouses and such.  How come I was not good enough for them to do that when I was there?  Why did it take me leaving to make them such good friends that they actually contemplated adopting each other as siblings!?  SIBLINGS???  What would that make me? 

I realize that these people are small minded and fucked up in many dysfunctional ways but they are still my parents.  They still affect me.  I still love them and hope they approve of me in ways that I cannot rationalize.  It is disappointing, though, to realize, at my age, that I am and have always been more intelligent and wiser than my own parents. 

It's merely confidence that they kept from me growing up.  If I could gain a healthy dose of that in every aspect of my life, I would feel confident to get angry with my dad and I would feel confident to keep them out of certain aspects of my life...but for now, I grin and bear it and keep my life to myself. 

My mom is flying out next week.