Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Fairytale

Things are changing.  It's a feeling that is not unfamiliar.  There is a tightness that seems unbreakable.  It's a wedge that sits between us and won't go away.  It's my fault.  I have obsessive thoughts.  I have to poke at, pick at, push, shake, and kick and scream until I understand everything.  It's a flaw.  And it's an attempt to control something that cannot be controlled. 

I am single handedly fucking everything up.  My actions are textbook mistakes.  The constant asking questions, shot gunning questions,  obsessive thoughts, insecurity showing through like a beacon in the night...ugh! 

And if I don't change my actions and soon, it may be too late.  I can already tell that it's more and more a struggle for him to be with me.  I can do it; I know I can change, but it takes time.  And I'm not sure how much longer I have.....with all of this.  It's been almost four years of constant stress for me.

We have fun but it's getting to be closer to 50/50 fun to not so much.  Gotta shift that number so that it's more fun again.  It's still there....which makes my heart smile. 

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