Things are changing. It's a feeling that is not unfamiliar. There is a tightness that seems unbreakable. It's a wedge that sits between us and won't go away. It's my fault. I have obsessive thoughts. I have to poke at, pick at, push, shake, and kick and scream until I understand everything. It's a flaw. And it's an attempt to control something that cannot be controlled.
I am single handedly fucking everything up. My actions are textbook mistakes. The constant asking questions, shot gunning questions, obsessive thoughts, insecurity showing through like a beacon in the night...ugh!
And if I don't change my actions and soon, it may be too late. I can already tell that it's more and more a struggle for him to be with me. I can do it; I know I can change, but it takes time. And I'm not sure how much longer I have.....with all of this. It's been almost four years of constant stress for me.
We have fun but it's getting to be closer to 50/50 fun to not so much. Gotta shift that number so that it's more fun again. It's still there....which makes my heart smile.
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