Fear and Love

"Practicing love often means feeling through fear: intentionally

opening yourself when you would rather close down, giving yourself
when you would rather hide. Love means recognizing yourself as the
open fullness of this moment regardless of its contents -- trenchant
thoughts, enchanting pleasures, heavy emotions, or gnawing pains --
and surrendering all hold on the familiar act you call 'me'."
                                                                                     ~ David Deida

When  my fears creep up my first instinct is to call him, confide in him, ask for reassurance and then move on.  I don't think this plan is completely wrong because it is my honest response to my fear, whether my fear is realized or imagined.  It is me, unfiltered, confiding in my partner.  But what happens when I do this is it puts stress on him and HE moves away from me.  It doesn't bring us closer; it separates us.  This is confusing to me because it is the exact opposite of what I want at the time.  My dilemma is then, do I filter to make him happy and suppress my true feelings or do I respond how I respond because it's honest?

This quote suggests that love is actually the practice of feeling fear as it happens, not retreating from it but realizing that maybe being in the moment will turn out better than running away from it.  It also suggests to me that keeping yourself open at all times, even if that means you feel like salt and lemon juice are being poured into the open wound just suck it up cuz eventually the pain will pass.  And, if you just suck it up and don't complain too much, the people around you will feel loved and you will get love in return.

So, I guess honesty is not the best policy.  Love means giving.  Giving means being selfless.  Being selfless means not complaining about what you are not getting.  Filtering is good.  Me.....is ever changing.