Some days there is a strong desire to go home to my partner and get that hug that I know can make me feel like I'm not alone in the world. And sometimes, even if nothing is said all night long, it would be nice to get cozy in our house, complete the evening chores, then fall asleep side by side.
And sometimes it would be nice to know that I could always go home to him...even if we were mad at each other, but to know that we were committed in that way too.
It is nice to still feel so drawn to him, even after all this time.
Hope you are having a wonderful night my love.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Happy Veteran's Day
To everyone who has fought for our country, I say thank you. I will never really understand what it means but I understand that every family has probably had or has someone who has served in our military at one time or another.
My greatgrandfather was in WW1. I have his tags, which I wear on occasion. I have his diaries...one entry struck me...he wrote that while sitting under a tree, he opened a can of peaches and relished how amazing they tasted (he didn't use those words of course) but it was so simple yet something he wrote home about.
My father served in the Army only for a short time and never saw war. My uncle, his brother, served in VietNam. He was a helicopter gunner. His plane was shot down and he suffered loss of one eye, missing fingers and years of health issues.
Thank you for the jobs done to keep our country open for me to sit here and write about what I feel and not worry about who will edit me or whether or not I will be safe.
My greatgrandfather was in WW1. I have his tags, which I wear on occasion. I have his diaries...one entry struck me...he wrote that while sitting under a tree, he opened a can of peaches and relished how amazing they tasted (he didn't use those words of course) but it was so simple yet something he wrote home about.
My father served in the Army only for a short time and never saw war. My uncle, his brother, served in VietNam. He was a helicopter gunner. His plane was shot down and he suffered loss of one eye, missing fingers and years of health issues.
Thank you for the jobs done to keep our country open for me to sit here and write about what I feel and not worry about who will edit me or whether or not I will be safe.
Opinionated and Opinionaided
Sometimes thinking about it just convolutes the issues. I get it when he says he doesn't want to talk about anything and that he just wants to "enjoy me". I want to enjoy everything too! I do not come from a place of lightness, of playfulness, of letting things roll off my back like water off a duck's.
What I am learning, though, is to slow down, be more patient, and not take everything as if it will be my last chance at it. That sort of "all or nothing" attitude was learned, and now I'm unlearning it. If he wants to be mad at me, that's his stuff. I don't feel like I need to chase after him anymore. Either things will be good or they won't. But no matter what, I will be ok.
I have turned my attention to silly things, like the Opinionaided app, on my iphone. That makes me happy. It's silly, doesn't take a lot thought and ya know what, I am learning a ton about myself. I am funny, and lighthearted, and interesting and I give really good advice (as evidenced by my "Top advisor" status!) LOL
Today is a good day. Happy Friday.
What I am learning, though, is to slow down, be more patient, and not take everything as if it will be my last chance at it. That sort of "all or nothing" attitude was learned, and now I'm unlearning it. If he wants to be mad at me, that's his stuff. I don't feel like I need to chase after him anymore. Either things will be good or they won't. But no matter what, I will be ok.
I have turned my attention to silly things, like the Opinionaided app, on my iphone. That makes me happy. It's silly, doesn't take a lot thought and ya know what, I am learning a ton about myself. I am funny, and lighthearted, and interesting and I give really good advice (as evidenced by my "Top advisor" status!) LOL
Today is a good day. Happy Friday.
Moving Ahead
Wow, it's been since June that I've written...well, that's ok. A lot has changed since then. I'm growing. I'm letting the past rest there..where it should stay. And I'm learning to love and accept him and myself, for who we are.
That's a hard thing to do. But I am nicer to myself now. And I read a lot about zen habits, facing fears and being happy. All those things help.
We have reached sort of an equilibrium amongst the hurt feelings. But we both are still here and we are trying to move ahead. I can't make him want to tell the truth. I can't forget how much he has hurt me.
But we have something really special and it's worth all of this. I am happy today. And I am grateful for so much in Life. I am grateful that I have someone that loves me and comes back week after week even though he doesn't know if I'm going to accept him or hate him. I am healthy. I have a wonderful circle of friends.
That's a hard thing to do. But I am nicer to myself now. And I read a lot about zen habits, facing fears and being happy. All those things help.
We have reached sort of an equilibrium amongst the hurt feelings. But we both are still here and we are trying to move ahead. I can't make him want to tell the truth. I can't forget how much he has hurt me.
But we have something really special and it's worth all of this. I am happy today. And I am grateful for so much in Life. I am grateful that I have someone that loves me and comes back week after week even though he doesn't know if I'm going to accept him or hate him. I am healthy. I have a wonderful circle of friends.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Stuck
According to my research, I seem to be stuck in phase three of dealing with infidelity in a relationship. Phase three occurs once you realize that the relationship you thought you had, or once did have, can never be the same again. You realize that everything has changed and that nothing will ever be the same. Oh, and you don't know if it will be better yet. The silver lining is, however, if you and your partner have not separated or broken up and are still working on things, you have a good chance of making it work if you continue dealing with things.
So, I guess I should feel good about this. I just still feel stuck. And, according to the research, if I can't get out of this phase three, then all my future relationships, should this one not survive, will also be fucked because I will be angry, depressed and will never trust anyone again.
With everything inside I want to blame him. But, according to the research, that is not healthy and I should take responsibility for my part in all of it. I can't imagine what my part was in the cheating that has taken place and is still taking place after nine years! Oh, yea, that's right....I started it when I cheated first. So, I guess I should suck it up because his cheating is all my fault?
If I dismiss the bullshit of his "friendships" and if I take everything HE says about them at face value, like "I don't put that much effort into the friendships", "It's just the way I socialize" and that "...there is no contest, you (meaning me) win...." then everything is perfect. But I get so wound up when HE won't confess.
Love and accept him for who HE is. Faults and all. For better or worse. See happiness....... we had a bad night last night. And I won't see him again for a while.
So, I guess I should feel good about this. I just still feel stuck. And, according to the research, if I can't get out of this phase three, then all my future relationships, should this one not survive, will also be fucked because I will be angry, depressed and will never trust anyone again.
With everything inside I want to blame him. But, according to the research, that is not healthy and I should take responsibility for my part in all of it. I can't imagine what my part was in the cheating that has taken place and is still taking place after nine years! Oh, yea, that's right....I started it when I cheated first. So, I guess I should suck it up because his cheating is all my fault?
If I dismiss the bullshit of his "friendships" and if I take everything HE says about them at face value, like "I don't put that much effort into the friendships", "It's just the way I socialize" and that "...there is no contest, you (meaning me) win...." then everything is perfect. But I get so wound up when HE won't confess.
Love and accept him for who HE is. Faults and all. For better or worse. See happiness....... we had a bad night last night. And I won't see him again for a while.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend
This weekend, since nine years ago, has forever been labeled as a shitty weekend. Last year, we got into a motorcycle accident when some asshole made an illegal u-turn. Thank the Universe we were only doing 25mph! HE sustained a broken orbital bone, the part closest to the nose on his right side, and some hurt ribs. I sustained a little strawberry (first degree) on my elbow. HE was injured because I was on the back of the BMW tour bike. I still feel bad. I should have leaned way back, not held onto him tighter. They think his ribs were shoved into the handle bars. His sunglasses smashed into his face. The fucker that hit us, of course, had no insurance. Thousands of dollars later, the bike was fixed and his faced healed nicely.
A year before that, his dog died! The dog was 15 years old but still. It is like a family member leaves you. It was a sad day. HE remembers the day every year.
A few years before that, I cheated oh him. That was the "incident" that hexed this weekend forever in his mind.
This year, my Oma died. See post before this one.
This year, I'm determined to change the meaning of this weekend forever. We have had an amazing time together. We are reconnecting and bonding and feeling good about everything. I am relaxed, hopeful, and more in love with him than ever.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend.
A year before that, his dog died! The dog was 15 years old but still. It is like a family member leaves you. It was a sad day. HE remembers the day every year.
A few years before that, I cheated oh him. That was the "incident" that hexed this weekend forever in his mind.
This year, my Oma died. See post before this one.
This year, I'm determined to change the meaning of this weekend forever. We have had an amazing time together. We are reconnecting and bonding and feeling good about everything. I am relaxed, hopeful, and more in love with him than ever.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend.
Light Blue
She came to me in my dream. Never before have I dreamed of her. No matter how worried, concerned, scared I was, I had never dreamed of her...before this night.
She walked around the white painted door frame and into the room I was in. Light blue surrounded her. I couldn't tell if she was wearing it but it encompassed her whole being except for her head and legs. Her face was smiling and her skin pale. Her legs had brought her to where she stood. Her hair had returned to the bright red orange I remember her wearing when I was a child.
"Oma, you are walking," I said. "You were just doing so poorly and here you are, walking," I noticed.
"I'm fine" she said as she wore that familiar, mischievous smile.
Then as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.
I woke up with that dream in my mind. I wondered if it meant anything.
The phone rang. Mom said she had died at 3am her time. The dream had meant something. "I dreamed of her last night," I shared.
Oma had died in her sleep, "peacefully" which translates, in America, as drugged out of her mind so she didn't feel anything!
Mom droned on about pointless details, which is always her way of "dealing with it". I told her I had to go, get ready for work. She was overly worried about me but that's how she is, has always been, and always will be. I don't get angry about it anymore. I just accept that she's overprotective even though I'm an adult now.
I broke down at work. I will never speak to her again. Hardly any work happened on Thursday, May 26, 2011, the day his dog, Seau, and my grandma died, but two years apart. Yup, nothing good ever happens on Memorial Day weekend.
Light blue....I kept thinking what that meant. Her favorite color was pink. They dressed her in pink, at my mom's request, so she could die looking pretty. I recounted the dream with my mom and she assured me that light blue was not what she died in.
Driving to lunch, with the sunroof open, I noticed how amazingly beautiful the day was. Hardly a cloud in the sky and the sky was.....so.....light blue! Light blue was all around me. Everywhere I looked, there it was. All day I saw the color and every time I saw it, I thought of her. That's what it meant! She is now, everywhere!
HE and I left for Palm Springs later that afternoon. I drove out of town with a serenity in my heart and mind. Light blue...how obvious....she is still with me.
She walked around the white painted door frame and into the room I was in. Light blue surrounded her. I couldn't tell if she was wearing it but it encompassed her whole being except for her head and legs. Her face was smiling and her skin pale. Her legs had brought her to where she stood. Her hair had returned to the bright red orange I remember her wearing when I was a child.
"Oma, you are walking," I said. "You were just doing so poorly and here you are, walking," I noticed.
"I'm fine" she said as she wore that familiar, mischievous smile.
Then as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.
I woke up with that dream in my mind. I wondered if it meant anything.
The phone rang. Mom said she had died at 3am her time. The dream had meant something. "I dreamed of her last night," I shared.
Oma had died in her sleep, "peacefully" which translates, in America, as drugged out of her mind so she didn't feel anything!
Mom droned on about pointless details, which is always her way of "dealing with it". I told her I had to go, get ready for work. She was overly worried about me but that's how she is, has always been, and always will be. I don't get angry about it anymore. I just accept that she's overprotective even though I'm an adult now.
I broke down at work. I will never speak to her again. Hardly any work happened on Thursday, May 26, 2011, the day his dog, Seau, and my grandma died, but two years apart. Yup, nothing good ever happens on Memorial Day weekend.
Light blue....I kept thinking what that meant. Her favorite color was pink. They dressed her in pink, at my mom's request, so she could die looking pretty. I recounted the dream with my mom and she assured me that light blue was not what she died in.
Driving to lunch, with the sunroof open, I noticed how amazingly beautiful the day was. Hardly a cloud in the sky and the sky was.....so.....light blue! Light blue was all around me. Everywhere I looked, there it was. All day I saw the color and every time I saw it, I thought of her. That's what it meant! She is now, everywhere!
HE and I left for Palm Springs later that afternoon. I drove out of town with a serenity in my heart and mind. Light blue...how obvious....she is still with me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend
My grandma is not responding. Her body functions are shutting down. It's as if her mind has moved on but her body is holding on. I wonder if she hears, feels anything at this point.
I broke down this morning. I wanted to see him. So, I asked if I could. HE said yes. When HE opened his door to me, my heart skipped a beat and the butterflies swirled around my stomach. HE was so guarded but HE hugged me, like HE used to hug me, long and tight and with both arms fully encompassing me. I was home.
We are going away this weekend. Memorial Day weekend has traditionally been a terrible weekend for us. Last year we got into a motorcycle accident. The year before, his dog died. Several years before that, I spent the night with another boy. HE holds onto all this negativity during this weekend as if HE expects the worst. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Of course it won't be different because this year, my grandma is expected to die. But maybe, we can find a way to rebuild our relationship and remember why we fell in love.
I broke down this morning. I wanted to see him. So, I asked if I could. HE said yes. When HE opened his door to me, my heart skipped a beat and the butterflies swirled around my stomach. HE was so guarded but HE hugged me, like HE used to hug me, long and tight and with both arms fully encompassing me. I was home.
We are going away this weekend. Memorial Day weekend has traditionally been a terrible weekend for us. Last year we got into a motorcycle accident. The year before, his dog died. Several years before that, I spent the night with another boy. HE holds onto all this negativity during this weekend as if HE expects the worst. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Of course it won't be different because this year, my grandma is expected to die. But maybe, we can find a way to rebuild our relationship and remember why we fell in love.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Pile It On
On top of my decade plus relationship being on pause right now, work is totally draining every ounce of energy I have left. If that wasn't enough, my grandma has slipped into a "comatose like state" because she is "transitioning" to death. Ugh! My heart and mind are so spent right now.
Why does the saying, "When it rains it pours" feel so true in my life right now. I have to think it's because this is a time in my life that I am being tested. "How much can she take?" the Universe asks as it laughs at me. I am feeling somewhat defeated yet somehow motivated to get my shit in order.
The last time I spoke to my grandma, who I call Oma, she said to me, "Don't wait until it's too late honey," in her deep Southern drawl. "I won't," I lied. It has been painful to see her. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving 2009. I just haven't been able to bring myself back to her as much as I love her and want to be by her side. She and I had a bond unlike any other.
I just got her. She lead a long, wild life that was way ahead of her time. She was a hairdresser by trade and party girl by hobby. She was married five times and had a mind as sharp as a tack. Telling jokes was her icebreaker, always. As her "oldness" progressed, she couldn't tell them as sharply as before. She'd forget a line or two but always remembered the punch line. She was unable to walk for the last five or so years.
I have to go back and see her.....it is hard but I have to do it. I have to face the reality of her impending death. Maybe I don't want to face her death because I am so afraid of the death of my relationship. They both seem overwhelmingly painful.
My relationship with him is on pause. Silence is the main ingredient right now. We talk but only through a single sentence text or by email. I miss him so much. I want him so much. My whole being aches without him. I'm getting it. This pause is forcing me to see the error of my ways. Good! Maybe this is what I truly needed but didn't know it.
HE is wiser than me. The silence IS just as important as the talking. Reflection IS just as important as interaction. HE's right about all of that. Everything I feel doesn't have to come out to him. Editing is great for a relationship. Even if monogamy wasn't the issue, there would be other issues, just as important, just as emotionally charged, just as dividing as this one.
On the bright side, non monogamy isn't as hurtful as, say, drug addiction, or thievery, or other such crimes. All in all, HE is who HE is. I can take him, or I can leave him. Leaving him will only be temporary, while I go back to deal with my grandma and her impending death. I wish HE would go with me.
As for the Universe, bring it. I can handle much more than this!
Why does the saying, "When it rains it pours" feel so true in my life right now. I have to think it's because this is a time in my life that I am being tested. "How much can she take?" the Universe asks as it laughs at me. I am feeling somewhat defeated yet somehow motivated to get my shit in order.
The last time I spoke to my grandma, who I call Oma, she said to me, "Don't wait until it's too late honey," in her deep Southern drawl. "I won't," I lied. It has been painful to see her. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving 2009. I just haven't been able to bring myself back to her as much as I love her and want to be by her side. She and I had a bond unlike any other.
I just got her. She lead a long, wild life that was way ahead of her time. She was a hairdresser by trade and party girl by hobby. She was married five times and had a mind as sharp as a tack. Telling jokes was her icebreaker, always. As her "oldness" progressed, she couldn't tell them as sharply as before. She'd forget a line or two but always remembered the punch line. She was unable to walk for the last five or so years.
I have to go back and see her.....it is hard but I have to do it. I have to face the reality of her impending death. Maybe I don't want to face her death because I am so afraid of the death of my relationship. They both seem overwhelmingly painful.
My relationship with him is on pause. Silence is the main ingredient right now. We talk but only through a single sentence text or by email. I miss him so much. I want him so much. My whole being aches without him. I'm getting it. This pause is forcing me to see the error of my ways. Good! Maybe this is what I truly needed but didn't know it.
HE is wiser than me. The silence IS just as important as the talking. Reflection IS just as important as interaction. HE's right about all of that. Everything I feel doesn't have to come out to him. Editing is great for a relationship. Even if monogamy wasn't the issue, there would be other issues, just as important, just as emotionally charged, just as dividing as this one.
On the bright side, non monogamy isn't as hurtful as, say, drug addiction, or thievery, or other such crimes. All in all, HE is who HE is. I can take him, or I can leave him. Leaving him will only be temporary, while I go back to deal with my grandma and her impending death. I wish HE would go with me.
As for the Universe, bring it. I can handle much more than this!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Crystal Clear
How do you get someone to see what you see so clearly? You see the train coming, hear the piercing sound of its horn as the decibels exceed what is healthy, especially from that far away, feel the vibration of the tracks and you are screaming to your partner to move away from the train. She doesn't listen. She is laughing and playing with the rocks beside the track when all of a sudden, the strong "whoooosh" as it passes pulls her in then pushes her away. She was near death but didn't fully comprehend this. He saw it all. And he tried to warn her. After a while, and many train like experiences, does her behavior become reckless and irresponsible?
We have never "taken a break". I'm not sure if we are actually doing that or if we are just not talking to each other as much. It's killing me to feel like this; to be this way, with him. HE is tired of my behavior. HE is tired of me beating him over the head about his other relationships. HE sees things so clearly but says I don't. HE says HE's frustrated because I don't want to talk about what really matters.
What really matters, I'm finding out, is that HE stays in my life. What really matters, turns out, is that I will take what I get and be happy about it because the alternative is just not acceptable to me. Everybody has issues and maybe him sleeping around on occasion isn't the worst thing that there could be. Maybe I don't really wanna know about it even though I say I do.
What really matters is what we have together, not what we have with other people. Maybe this has been crystal clear to him and this is what had to happen for me to figure it out too.
We have never "taken a break". I'm not sure if we are actually doing that or if we are just not talking to each other as much. It's killing me to feel like this; to be this way, with him. HE is tired of my behavior. HE is tired of me beating him over the head about his other relationships. HE sees things so clearly but says I don't. HE says HE's frustrated because I don't want to talk about what really matters.
What really matters, I'm finding out, is that HE stays in my life. What really matters, turns out, is that I will take what I get and be happy about it because the alternative is just not acceptable to me. Everybody has issues and maybe him sleeping around on occasion isn't the worst thing that there could be. Maybe I don't really wanna know about it even though I say I do.
What really matters is what we have together, not what we have with other people. Maybe this has been crystal clear to him and this is what had to happen for me to figure it out too.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Heavy Hearts and Sundays
Just when I feel good about things and have my strategy set for how to make it better, HE expresses that HE is unhappy with our relationship. My heart hurts so much. I can't will it to work. I know that nothing will fix this but time.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It Must Be Spring
In the Spring, I plant and nest and get excited about my yard and all the possibilities the season might bring. This year, I'm excited because my blackberry bush is close to producing the first batch of, hopefully, many. One berry is red right now. I cannot wait to pick it and eat it and enjoy the fact that I nurtured that plant all through the winter.
Usually, I plant flowers, water them, until I forget a few weekends in a row, see that they are dying, and either work really hard to revive them or just let them die. But my blackberry bush, and my dwarf orange tree, are two signs that I cared enough, all through the cold, harsh, winter, to keep them alive and well.
It seems that planting and growing things is the metaphor for my relationship. It would seem that I have allowed my relationship, the most important plant of my life, to lose most of its leaves, wilt and cling to life.
We seriously love each other. Neither of us would be in it if we didn't. This I know. This I do not doubt. But I have a part in killing it too. And I don't want to lose it. So, I have to give it all my love and nurturing and care. Even if sometimes the thorns prick me and make my fingers bleed I must attend to it diligently. I must reach in and pull the dead leaves off and make room for the new ones, even if it harbors spiders that bite me and cause my skin to swell.
In the Spring, there will be sunshine and there will be clouds. We will have Santa Anas and offshore winds. There will be rain when it's least expected but there will be many beautiful days. The plant needs all of these to grow and establish its roots and thrive.
It is Spring and it's a season filled with possibilities.
Usually, I plant flowers, water them, until I forget a few weekends in a row, see that they are dying, and either work really hard to revive them or just let them die. But my blackberry bush, and my dwarf orange tree, are two signs that I cared enough, all through the cold, harsh, winter, to keep them alive and well.
It seems that planting and growing things is the metaphor for my relationship. It would seem that I have allowed my relationship, the most important plant of my life, to lose most of its leaves, wilt and cling to life.
We seriously love each other. Neither of us would be in it if we didn't. This I know. This I do not doubt. But I have a part in killing it too. And I don't want to lose it. So, I have to give it all my love and nurturing and care. Even if sometimes the thorns prick me and make my fingers bleed I must attend to it diligently. I must reach in and pull the dead leaves off and make room for the new ones, even if it harbors spiders that bite me and cause my skin to swell.
In the Spring, there will be sunshine and there will be clouds. We will have Santa Anas and offshore winds. There will be rain when it's least expected but there will be many beautiful days. The plant needs all of these to grow and establish its roots and thrive.
It is Spring and it's a season filled with possibilities.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Working It
I love to work with my hands. As I planted in my yard yesterday, the smell of the dirt and the feel of the pots, the plants and all the textures gave me a happy, fluttery feeling in my stomach. Creating....like that, is something I enjoy. I don't have to think about it; I just do it. But as I planted and watered and organized and put things together I thought about my relationship.
Maybe my approach to my relationship should be like my yard work.....just get out there and do it. Spend a little time planning but for the most part, just touch it, smell it, work it and bask in the happy fluttery feeling in my stomach.
Maybe my approach to my relationship should be like my yard work.....just get out there and do it. Spend a little time planning but for the most part, just touch it, smell it, work it and bask in the happy fluttery feeling in my stomach.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Long Time No Write
Sometimes life gets in the way of creativity and expression. Lately, everyday I come home and my ass just feels like it's been run over by a Mack truck and I've been left for dead in the middle of the white hot asphalt! I'm tired.
And things on the relationship front have been all but perfect. HE and I are still together and I'm still hopelessly in love with him. From one minute to the next I can't tell how HE's feeling about me. HE says, "Not all of my moods have anything to do with you". Is that just mean? Or is HE trying to tell me to relax, that HE is not responding to his feelings for me but to a whole host of other stimuli that make him feel tired, or stressed or cranky?
It just seems like HE's over me.....but HE still makes plans with me. That should be enough shouldn't it? Shouldn't I realize that HE loves me otherwise why would HE still make plans and bring up things HE wants to do with me? Bullfights, traveling, new restaurants, etc.....those are the things HE wants to share with me.
The fairytale continues....
It is better to write for yourself and have no audience than to write for an audience and have no self. Unknown
And things on the relationship front have been all but perfect. HE and I are still together and I'm still hopelessly in love with him. From one minute to the next I can't tell how HE's feeling about me. HE says, "Not all of my moods have anything to do with you". Is that just mean? Or is HE trying to tell me to relax, that HE is not responding to his feelings for me but to a whole host of other stimuli that make him feel tired, or stressed or cranky?
It just seems like HE's over me.....but HE still makes plans with me. That should be enough shouldn't it? Shouldn't I realize that HE loves me otherwise why would HE still make plans and bring up things HE wants to do with me? Bullfights, traveling, new restaurants, etc.....those are the things HE wants to share with me.
The fairytale continues....
It is better to write for yourself and have no audience than to write for an audience and have no self. Unknown
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Irrelevance
Maybe it happens to all writers at some point or another. Maybe it's just me. When I sit down to write, sometimes I have been thinking of my relationship for so long but I edit before I even get to the page. I wonder what will be meaningful and fascinating. Sometimes, I admit, I write to get out some feelings and thoughts and I don't really care if it's meaningful or fascinating. I do it for me. Which, I believe, is what we all should be writing for.
Many days, though, I just feel irrelevant. I'm not being dramatic but I believe that there's really nothing I have to say that's important, meaningful or fascinating to anyone. I think I have a fear of feeling irrelevant. And sometimes, when I have too much to say or my story doesn't flow or my thoughts are all jumbled, I get frustrated and just say, to myself, "Screw it. I have nothing to say."
I've always had trouble marketing myself...in everything...well, except for my profession. If I think about it, marketing myself as a professional is much more irrelevant than marketing myself as a real, interesting, person. I mean who cares what I do to earn a paycheck except maybe my boss and a few people at the company right? But in the world, there are so many people that I come in contact with and if I am interesting, fascinating, fun, etc...I have so much more to gain...like party invites and developing friendships and super great experiences.
Today I feel somewhat irrelevant. Not in a depressed, "nobody loves me" way, more in a "I am a speck in the universe" way. I guess I should revel in these moments as well because every moment in a life counts and something beautiful can come if I keep my mind open. Now, I am going to disappear into my bed and dream sweet dreams.
Many days, though, I just feel irrelevant. I'm not being dramatic but I believe that there's really nothing I have to say that's important, meaningful or fascinating to anyone. I think I have a fear of feeling irrelevant. And sometimes, when I have too much to say or my story doesn't flow or my thoughts are all jumbled, I get frustrated and just say, to myself, "Screw it. I have nothing to say."
I've always had trouble marketing myself...in everything...well, except for my profession. If I think about it, marketing myself as a professional is much more irrelevant than marketing myself as a real, interesting, person. I mean who cares what I do to earn a paycheck except maybe my boss and a few people at the company right? But in the world, there are so many people that I come in contact with and if I am interesting, fascinating, fun, etc...I have so much more to gain...like party invites and developing friendships and super great experiences.
Today I feel somewhat irrelevant. Not in a depressed, "nobody loves me" way, more in a "I am a speck in the universe" way. I guess I should revel in these moments as well because every moment in a life counts and something beautiful can come if I keep my mind open. Now, I am going to disappear into my bed and dream sweet dreams.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
End of the Weekend
"If you dream about me I'll give you more in the morning," HE says as HE rolls off of me just after giving me a spectacular orgasm. I always dream of him. It has been that way since the beginning. My very first dream of him told me that he had many women, like a harem. I awoke knowing that my dream was sending me a very clear message, which, as it turns out, is still and has always been true.
HE will always have many women. I am trying to overcome my rage and jealousy and feelings of betrayal but when HE says something that lends itself to a smart ass comment, I can't resist. But I digress.
I awoke this morning in his arms. His warmth radiates to me as if HE was built to keep me warm. His skin is smooth and smells like the rich earth. HE rolls on top of me, kisses me lightly but passionately and slides into me with vigor. It doesn't take long for us to orgasm together. "Good morning," HE says with smiling eyes.
I dreamt of him all through the day. We had a pretty good week together.
HE will always have many women. I am trying to overcome my rage and jealousy and feelings of betrayal but when HE says something that lends itself to a smart ass comment, I can't resist. But I digress.
I awoke this morning in his arms. His warmth radiates to me as if HE was built to keep me warm. His skin is smooth and smells like the rich earth. HE rolls on top of me, kisses me lightly but passionately and slides into me with vigor. It doesn't take long for us to orgasm together. "Good morning," HE says with smiling eyes.
I dreamt of him all through the day. We had a pretty good week together.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Sex Beside Them
We met. PB&J and us...we finally met. I wasn't nervous. Maybe it's because I didn't have a true attraction for him or even for her. Or maybe it's because we had been talking about it for so long and they had told us of numerous couples they've tried to be with that, basically, wimped out, so I was not going to let the challenge beat me. Or maybe it's because I was floating on a high, literally, of alcohol, oh and the fact that a very handsome boy had flirted with me just hours before. No matter, I was in a great mood, with my man by my side, on our way to an adventure.
We roamed around for a bit making small talk but soon entered the curtained room where there was the queen sized bed. We plopped down and talked and laughed. HE was extremely quiet. I was pretty chatty....no big deal. She brought up a big bag and asked if we wanted to see her toys. She shared. They were pretty tame, except for that huge massager. (I don't get how that doesn't just desensitize the hell out of a woman's clit.) HE slipped behind me and began running his hands up and down my bare legs. I wore a mini skirt and a low cut, sleeveless top. No undergarments. I wanted there to be easy access!
They took their clothes off and just started going at it. So much for foreplay! HE and I took it a bit slower. HE lifted my skirt and went down on me. PB&J were performing the same act and almost as if we'd rehearsed it, the girls gave the boys blow jobs. His cock was extra hard. I don't think it was from being attracted to her as much as it was just the excitement of the moment. We were isolated but there were people all around. Only a curtain separated us from them.
As the couple banged, her leg rested on mine. She reached over and touched my tits. I didn't mind. I returned the gesture. He touched me too. HE entered me with his extra firm mandhood and pumped slowly. HE bent down and kissed me and told me how wet my pussy was. Maybe I was extra excited by the moment as well. We didn't end up swapping at all but at one point, when HE was fucking me, the other one reached down and kissed me like an inexperienced teenager. HE said that HE thought the guy had been waiting to do that for a while...maybe that was true.
She wasn't feeling so good so the party was cut short. All in all, it was a nice experience. It didn't really leave me aching for anything more than that. But it was a new and exciting experience. The best part was that we did it together.
We roamed around for a bit making small talk but soon entered the curtained room where there was the queen sized bed. We plopped down and talked and laughed. HE was extremely quiet. I was pretty chatty....no big deal. She brought up a big bag and asked if we wanted to see her toys. She shared. They were pretty tame, except for that huge massager. (I don't get how that doesn't just desensitize the hell out of a woman's clit.) HE slipped behind me and began running his hands up and down my bare legs. I wore a mini skirt and a low cut, sleeveless top. No undergarments. I wanted there to be easy access!
They took their clothes off and just started going at it. So much for foreplay! HE and I took it a bit slower. HE lifted my skirt and went down on me. PB&J were performing the same act and almost as if we'd rehearsed it, the girls gave the boys blow jobs. His cock was extra hard. I don't think it was from being attracted to her as much as it was just the excitement of the moment. We were isolated but there were people all around. Only a curtain separated us from them.
As the couple banged, her leg rested on mine. She reached over and touched my tits. I didn't mind. I returned the gesture. He touched me too. HE entered me with his extra firm mandhood and pumped slowly. HE bent down and kissed me and told me how wet my pussy was. Maybe I was extra excited by the moment as well. We didn't end up swapping at all but at one point, when HE was fucking me, the other one reached down and kissed me like an inexperienced teenager. HE said that HE thought the guy had been waiting to do that for a while...maybe that was true.
She wasn't feeling so good so the party was cut short. All in all, it was a nice experience. It didn't really leave me aching for anything more than that. But it was a new and exciting experience. The best part was that we did it together.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Love for Me
I love myself again. It has been a long time but I have found myself again. Life is beautiful and everything around me is falling into place.
Writing hasn't come easy for me these last few weeks but there is much to say and share. I will be inspired again soon.
Writing hasn't come easy for me these last few weeks but there is much to say and share. I will be inspired again soon.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The First Encounter
So, we finally met PB&J for dinner! Remember, from Stay Tuned, Continued... this is the couple that we had been talking with about swapping. Before, when we spoke about going to dinner, she said, "I'll sit by him and you'll sit by my husband." Well, releasing all anxiety to the cosmos, I sat down and let the chips fall where they may. HE sat across from me and her man sat next to me. The conversation was easy. HE was full of questions and they were very open.
She kept saying how new they were to the lifestyle but their adventures, so far, are much more than a woman of my experience could imagine. She had five men, seven times, in one night! Holy shit. Really? As much as I like sex and men, I am not sure I'm capable of such feats! And she reported that they've hosted parties at their house and that he's had his first threesome without her. They seem happy with their choices and it's amazing hearing all of the situations they get into.
His hand disappeared under the table and he placed his hand lightly on my knee. He caressed it and moved up my thigh ever so slightly until by the time dinner came, he was half way up there. I had worn a short dress and my legs were exposed. I tried making eye contact with my man so that I could somehow, telepathically, send him a message to let him know what was going on. It felt good. It reminded me of when HE strokes my arm, or my hair, or my hand.....dammit; everything reminds me of him!
After dinner, I saw his hand disappear under the table. A twinge of jealously ran through me. I wondered if HE felt the same way. Since my moon phase was in full force, the four of us knew this would be a super soft encounter. She admitted that her moon phase had started as well.
Afterwards, he kissed me on the lips and caressed my back until we parted. I don't know if HE kissed her or she kissed him. We talked about meeting this Saturday night for more action.
I could see how sexy it would be to be with two men at the same time!
She kept saying how new they were to the lifestyle but their adventures, so far, are much more than a woman of my experience could imagine. She had five men, seven times, in one night! Holy shit. Really? As much as I like sex and men, I am not sure I'm capable of such feats! And she reported that they've hosted parties at their house and that he's had his first threesome without her. They seem happy with their choices and it's amazing hearing all of the situations they get into.
His hand disappeared under the table and he placed his hand lightly on my knee. He caressed it and moved up my thigh ever so slightly until by the time dinner came, he was half way up there. I had worn a short dress and my legs were exposed. I tried making eye contact with my man so that I could somehow, telepathically, send him a message to let him know what was going on. It felt good. It reminded me of when HE strokes my arm, or my hair, or my hand.....dammit; everything reminds me of him!
After dinner, I saw his hand disappear under the table. A twinge of jealously ran through me. I wondered if HE felt the same way. Since my moon phase was in full force, the four of us knew this would be a super soft encounter. She admitted that her moon phase had started as well.
Afterwards, he kissed me on the lips and caressed my back until we parted. I don't know if HE kissed her or she kissed him. We talked about meeting this Saturday night for more action.
I could see how sexy it would be to be with two men at the same time!
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Beach
I took the day off from work today. It felt extra good to think only of my daughter, and my life outside of the "9 to 5". I ran errands and thought about him and how wonderful my life really is. And then, I took the dog to the beach.
We walked for over an hour. I stared at the Pacific while Cee Lo Green and The Black Eyed Peas pumped me up. I sweat out not only the toxins that get stored in my body but the emotional ones too. Nature always brings me back to what's important. I am reminded what is important in my life and how, in the midst of every world crisis, my life doesn't have one....that's right.....there is no crisis in my life.
I think I'll take tomorrow off too.
We walked for over an hour. I stared at the Pacific while Cee Lo Green and The Black Eyed Peas pumped me up. I sweat out not only the toxins that get stored in my body but the emotional ones too. Nature always brings me back to what's important. I am reminded what is important in my life and how, in the midst of every world crisis, my life doesn't have one....that's right.....there is no crisis in my life.
I think I'll take tomorrow off too.
Maybe It's The Distance
Maybe the distance is what keeps everything fresh and exciting. Maybe once it seems like a 24/7 relationship, it becomes monotonous and boring and too familiar. Maybe I need the distance as much as HE does but I don't yet really understand that part of me. And when there is distance I make it about him creating it. And maybe HE does but maybe it's because HE knows that a little distance between us will make things more enjoyable when we do see each other.
Sometimes I just want to know that at the end of a long, stressful day, I can curl up next to him, feel his warmth, not say a word and be held until I fall fast asleep. But for now, my pillow will have to play that role until the next time I see him. And not say a word.
Sometimes I just want to know that at the end of a long, stressful day, I can curl up next to him, feel his warmth, not say a word and be held until I fall fast asleep. But for now, my pillow will have to play that role until the next time I see him. And not say a word.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
It's All Good
The thing I am learning is that it truly is just a mind set. I tend towards creating stories instead of enjoying what comes to me. We had an amazing weekend. I felt close to him. We laughed and joked with each other and things felt very safe and secure. I think I am creating what will happen throughout the week. HE has already said HE is going to be busy. I translate that into him forgetting about me. I wonder if HE will be spending time with some woman that HE has yet, again, failed to tell me about because HE doesn't want to be honest and open. But, then, like a blanket tossed off in the middle of a hot night, the bad feelings lifted.
It's all in the mind. I have what I need. I have what I want. There is nothing more to think about. Today was a good, lazy day. I got to relax and take care of my own stuff. HE loves me. Now is the beginning of my week, to take care of myself; to focus on me. ;)
Back to the routine.
It's all in the mind. I have what I need. I have what I want. There is nothing more to think about. Today was a good, lazy day. I got to relax and take care of my own stuff. HE loves me. Now is the beginning of my week, to take care of myself; to focus on me. ;)
Back to the routine.
I Don't Know...
...what happened. For the past two weeks my mental and emotional states were perfect. I loved the world and wasn't too bothered by the past or the future. Actually not too bothered about today either.
Today I am just feeling lousy again. Fuck! I am so frustrated.
Today I am just feeling lousy again. Fuck! I am so frustrated.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Skinny Bitch 3
Day 8 started off well. I measured all the body parts. I was surprised that I lost 1 inch in my neck! :) WTF? Overall I lost 14 inches! The only part of my body that didn't see a significant loss was in my "upper knees". I'll take that as a great sign.
I seriously feel good. I feel like my blood sugar is constant and my energy is coming back strong. Someone asked me what I am doing. It's the Isagenics program. I don't know if I really believe in these kinds of programs but I tell ya, it's been easy and well, yea, I am seeing results.
I am a skinny bitch! Can't wait to pull those "skinny clothes" back out of storage. :)
I seriously feel good. I feel like my blood sugar is constant and my energy is coming back strong. Someone asked me what I am doing. It's the Isagenics program. I don't know if I really believe in these kinds of programs but I tell ya, it's been easy and well, yea, I am seeing results.
I am a skinny bitch! Can't wait to pull those "skinny clothes" back out of storage. :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Random Thoughts
Not in order of importance or priority:
1. My friend's wedding is seriously turning into a circus. It is hard for me to keep my judgment to myself but so far I have done just that. I think she should apply for My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. It's the only way it will not look like the Dollar Store planned it in conjunction with Good Will.
2. Sometimes I feel sad that I will probably never get married or live with anyone again.
3. I loaned an old elementary school friend almost $200 last summer. He said he would pay me back in the fall. It's now almost a year later and I have not heard from him. I could email him to ask for the money but I just think Karma might take care of it for me. (He's all into that you know.)
3. There is not enough time in the day and I'm starting to feel the consequences of this.
4. For at least two days in the past few weeks, I have felt excited about simple things like donning my robe and curling up in bed to watch a show or having dinner and frozen yogurt while I spend the evening alone.
5. My grandmother will be 87 on Saturday. I can't be with her.
1. My friend's wedding is seriously turning into a circus. It is hard for me to keep my judgment to myself but so far I have done just that. I think she should apply for My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. It's the only way it will not look like the Dollar Store planned it in conjunction with Good Will.
2. Sometimes I feel sad that I will probably never get married or live with anyone again.
3. I loaned an old elementary school friend almost $200 last summer. He said he would pay me back in the fall. It's now almost a year later and I have not heard from him. I could email him to ask for the money but I just think Karma might take care of it for me. (He's all into that you know.)
3. There is not enough time in the day and I'm starting to feel the consequences of this.
4. For at least two days in the past few weeks, I have felt excited about simple things like donning my robe and curling up in bed to watch a show or having dinner and frozen yogurt while I spend the evening alone.
5. My grandmother will be 87 on Saturday. I can't be with her.
Skinny Bitch 2
Holy mother of god.....today is torture. Ok, not really. It could be worse. I guess I could have my jaw wired shut and be alone in a barren field with nothing to eat but my shoestrings! I am fine but I have been nauseated and have gagged at least twice today due to the "cleanse". Today is cleanse day. They really should just call it the "hey fat ass you need to learn how not to eat because you really don't need it, at least not as often as it appears you've been gorging" day. I'm a little cranky, or "hangry" as Hillary Duff calls it. (It's a combo of hungry and angry.) And those shakes now seem like a gourmet dinner compared to the cleansing drink.
On the positive front, though, as of last night at about 10:30pm, I lost 3 lbs! Only 25 to go. Remind me not to get this way in the future. It's much harder to take it off and a lot less fun than putting it on. ;)
But tomorrow is day 8 and I get to measure my body and see how much weight I've lost to date.
Things have been going well. Today was the hardest day by far but I have not been tempted to cheat and have not really craved any food. I like this program....so far.
On the positive front, though, as of last night at about 10:30pm, I lost 3 lbs! Only 25 to go. Remind me not to get this way in the future. It's much harder to take it off and a lot less fun than putting it on. ;)
But tomorrow is day 8 and I get to measure my body and see how much weight I've lost to date.
Things have been going well. Today was the hardest day by far but I have not been tempted to cheat and have not really craved any food. I like this program....so far.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Morning Love
HE ripped the covers from atop me and scooted down between my thighs to my freshly sugared private parts. "Mmmm your pussy is so smooth," HE commented. My sparkly crimson heart, strategically placed, caught his eyes and produced a little smile. I could feel his warm breath blanket my pussy just before HE dove in.
His tongue, like a wet explorer looking for refuge, investigated the area thoroughly causing my hips to begin moving into his face. I could feel the tingly sensation in my toes as HE sucked and licked me. His fingers penetrated me just slightly to tease.
There's that moment when I'm ready to come but I don't want to because it just feels so good...so I hold back. But HE knows what I am doing so HE drives his tongue deeper into my hole and sucks my clit the way HE does, knowing it will push me over the edge. When HE knows I am coming, HE slides his finger deeper inside to feel my orgasmic contractions.
His smile grew bigger as HE slid his warm body over mine and plunged his hot rod into me. Good morning to me!
His tongue, like a wet explorer looking for refuge, investigated the area thoroughly causing my hips to begin moving into his face. I could feel the tingly sensation in my toes as HE sucked and licked me. His fingers penetrated me just slightly to tease.
There's that moment when I'm ready to come but I don't want to because it just feels so good...so I hold back. But HE knows what I am doing so HE drives his tongue deeper into my hole and sucks my clit the way HE does, knowing it will push me over the edge. When HE knows I am coming, HE slides his finger deeper inside to feel my orgasmic contractions.
His smile grew bigger as HE slid his warm body over mine and plunged his hot rod into me. Good morning to me!
Stay Tuned, Continued...
So, the couple, I'll call them PB&J, have expressed to us that they are slightly hesitant to get together because they have had two experiences now, with newbies, that have turned out poorly. They want to make sure that we are ready to take the next step and, while they feel that we all have chemistry, really are concerned at just jumping into things.
It's lovely that they are concerned. Now I see the reason it would be better to know someone before having sex than to just have one night stands. They care about their play dates. It's very sweet and enlightening to me.
We have decided to have dinner with them and do a soft swap to see how things go. No date set yet but I'll report on the progress.
As far as our relationship goes, it gets better every day. I feel close to him and I trust him in this situation. I think it will be fun and exciting.
It's lovely that they are concerned. Now I see the reason it would be better to know someone before having sex than to just have one night stands. They care about their play dates. It's very sweet and enlightening to me.
We have decided to have dinner with them and do a soft swap to see how things go. No date set yet but I'll report on the progress.
As far as our relationship goes, it gets better every day. I feel close to him and I trust him in this situation. I think it will be fun and exciting.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Skinny Bitch
It's a book, yes. But it's also what I will be,without fail, this summer. I'm not sure what happened but all of a sudden, I became sick of how I looked. I'm not fat. I'm not ugly. I'm tall, pretty, and sexy as hell (LOL). But I am truly about 30 lbs overweight. Thank buddah I'm tall because most people think that there's no way I could lose that much (or else they are all just fucking liars afraid of being real....which is a possibility also) but they don't see me naked, and they don't know how I can look. But I do and I know.
Today was the start of a revamp! A beauty makeover of sorts. hee hee Aging has proved me to be somewhat vain. I hate to admit that but I am not doing so well with the whole aging thing. And it doesn't help when HE points out all the gray hairs I seem to acquire daily! (Yes, I know HE loves me despite my hair color....but this is all about how I feel about myself.)
So, phase one: bleaching the teeth. I have great teeth but I think this American diet really takes its toll on slight discoloration....oh, and you are nobody if you don't have sparkly teeth. (It's an ugly American trait to want to keep up with the cool kids in town.)
Phase two: I actually, for the first time in my 44 years, died my hair with grocery store color. And it's pretty awesome. No more grays....at least for a few weeks anyway.
Phase three: Drop 30 lbs. This one will be the hardest as I love, love, love food. Sorry Carnalis, I may have to not read your blog so often because it inspires me so often. ;) And it is serious foreplay when we share a meal. HE loves food as much as I do and we do not hold back if we are in the mood to try something delicious.
Hopefully you won't mind if I blog sometimes about my struggles and my successes with this transformation. Who knows, maybe I'll even post before and after photos....
Day one is almost over. It wasn't that hard to adhere to the plan, but I found myself a little bit hungry this evening. So I ate a little bit more than the 600 calories allowed, but lettuce and chicken doesn't seem like a bad alternative if I overate.
Today was the start of a revamp! A beauty makeover of sorts. hee hee Aging has proved me to be somewhat vain. I hate to admit that but I am not doing so well with the whole aging thing. And it doesn't help when HE points out all the gray hairs I seem to acquire daily! (Yes, I know HE loves me despite my hair color....but this is all about how I feel about myself.)
So, phase one: bleaching the teeth. I have great teeth but I think this American diet really takes its toll on slight discoloration....oh, and you are nobody if you don't have sparkly teeth. (It's an ugly American trait to want to keep up with the cool kids in town.)
Phase two: I actually, for the first time in my 44 years, died my hair with grocery store color. And it's pretty awesome. No more grays....at least for a few weeks anyway.
Phase three: Drop 30 lbs. This one will be the hardest as I love, love, love food. Sorry Carnalis, I may have to not read your blog so often because it inspires me so often. ;) And it is serious foreplay when we share a meal. HE loves food as much as I do and we do not hold back if we are in the mood to try something delicious.
Hopefully you won't mind if I blog sometimes about my struggles and my successes with this transformation. Who knows, maybe I'll even post before and after photos....
Day one is almost over. It wasn't that hard to adhere to the plan, but I found myself a little bit hungry this evening. So I ate a little bit more than the 600 calories allowed, but lettuce and chicken doesn't seem like a bad alternative if I overate.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Still High
Our sex is always, well, spectacular. I'm not just saying that for the public or to brag. It is just so! Fitting puzzle pieces, chemistry, whatever....but it's just always great. We added a little, ummmm, herb into the mix over the weekend and OMG....can we say multiple multiple orgasms?
HE kissed and touched me for what seems like hours. His fingers danced around my clit and then dove into my sweet spot to feel my slippery desire. My hands wandered beneath the covers to find his cock at full attention. With the Slippery Stuff already coating my palm, it was easy to glide up and down his shaft feeling the entirety of his manhood. Then, at the height of excitement, HE slid his cock inside of me. It felt like it had been reinforced with steel rods as he pumped me until I came again and again and again!
The whole experience was like riding a roller coaster but really slowly. The foreplay was like the anticipation of the climb, and the climax was like the loss of control on the fall; mmmmmmm it was a session I will not long forget.
I am savoring every moment of that night and still floating, from the high.
HE kissed and touched me for what seems like hours. His fingers danced around my clit and then dove into my sweet spot to feel my slippery desire. My hands wandered beneath the covers to find his cock at full attention. With the Slippery Stuff already coating my palm, it was easy to glide up and down his shaft feeling the entirety of his manhood. Then, at the height of excitement, HE slid his cock inside of me. It felt like it had been reinforced with steel rods as he pumped me until I came again and again and again!
The whole experience was like riding a roller coaster but really slowly. The foreplay was like the anticipation of the climb, and the climax was like the loss of control on the fall; mmmmmmm it was a session I will not long forget.
I am savoring every moment of that night and still floating, from the high.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Meet and Greet
We've narrowed in on a couple. We have met them, finally, face to face, a few times and I think this could be the couple we have our first encounter with! She is cute, contagious smile, smart, easy to talk with. He is quiet, thin, cute, and he has those dark eyes that stare right through you. They have been together for over two decades and it was her idea to start fooling around with other couples.
We have talked about them and us. I think they would be a great first step in finding out if we want to have sex with others, together. We invited them to dinner and "dessert". I'm not sure if they are actually attracted to us but I don't think I'm sure about any signals given or held back in these situations.
For the first time we spread our wings a bit and talked to other couples as well. The room was full of sexual energy as it seemed everyone knew each other. Grab ass and kissy face were the two most popular activities that I could see. That's just not me....the whole PDA thing. I am more discreet. Maybe I'm prudish....no, that doesn't feel right. I just like to keep my flirting and sex between me and my partner.
I saw him look over at me once. His glance lingered for just a second then he was off again chatting up lots of couples. She seems very interested in him. We discussed dinner and she said, "I will sit next to him." She told me I could sit next to her man. Ummmmmm, not sure about that but maybe I should just go with it.
The other couples were amusing and boisterous and festive. It was fun. I felt more comfortable than I had ever felt. I am excited for the future, whatever it may hold and most of all, I'm excited that HE is by my side. If we get together it is supposed to be next weekend. Stay tuned. I will report back on the experience.
We have talked about them and us. I think they would be a great first step in finding out if we want to have sex with others, together. We invited them to dinner and "dessert". I'm not sure if they are actually attracted to us but I don't think I'm sure about any signals given or held back in these situations.
For the first time we spread our wings a bit and talked to other couples as well. The room was full of sexual energy as it seemed everyone knew each other. Grab ass and kissy face were the two most popular activities that I could see. That's just not me....the whole PDA thing. I am more discreet. Maybe I'm prudish....no, that doesn't feel right. I just like to keep my flirting and sex between me and my partner.
I saw him look over at me once. His glance lingered for just a second then he was off again chatting up lots of couples. She seems very interested in him. We discussed dinner and she said, "I will sit next to him." She told me I could sit next to her man. Ummmmmm, not sure about that but maybe I should just go with it.
The other couples were amusing and boisterous and festive. It was fun. I felt more comfortable than I had ever felt. I am excited for the future, whatever it may hold and most of all, I'm excited that HE is by my side. If we get together it is supposed to be next weekend. Stay tuned. I will report back on the experience.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Protection
I spoke to my dad today after a few weeks of leaving messages. It's not like him to ignore my phone calls but, I figured, he was busy. He called me today and after expressing his affection I asked him how he was doing. He laughed then said, "I'm fine now," which alerted me that something was wrong.
He had just spent a week in the hospital after being hit from behind by a semi-truck. His truck was totaled; his head was split open, and he sustained a few more bumps and bruises as well. "Oh my god, why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "I didn't want to worry you. Everyone asked if they could call you and I told them no," he said. I cried.
I don't understand protecting someone like he did. Maybe I am too selfish to understand not wanting to worry someone so much that I'd rather suffer in the hospital and not speak to them until I know I'm ok. HE claims that that's why HE didn't tell me about the other women. HE says that HE knew it would hurt my feelings and HE would rather keep it all to himself than to tell me and risk hurting me.
Should I thank my lucky stars that I have people in my life who protect me so? Or should I look inside myself to see why I'm so fragile that people don't think I'm strong enough to handle outside relationships or car accidents?
HE once told me that if HE ever contracted a fatal disease, HE wouldn't tell me. HE wouldn't want me to worry, or treat him differently, or hurt me. I won't claim to understand this selflessness....but maybe I can learn from the efforts made to protect me so that maybe I, too, can give protection to those I love.
He had just spent a week in the hospital after being hit from behind by a semi-truck. His truck was totaled; his head was split open, and he sustained a few more bumps and bruises as well. "Oh my god, why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "I didn't want to worry you. Everyone asked if they could call you and I told them no," he said. I cried.
I don't understand protecting someone like he did. Maybe I am too selfish to understand not wanting to worry someone so much that I'd rather suffer in the hospital and not speak to them until I know I'm ok. HE claims that that's why HE didn't tell me about the other women. HE says that HE knew it would hurt my feelings and HE would rather keep it all to himself than to tell me and risk hurting me.
Should I thank my lucky stars that I have people in my life who protect me so? Or should I look inside myself to see why I'm so fragile that people don't think I'm strong enough to handle outside relationships or car accidents?
HE once told me that if HE ever contracted a fatal disease, HE wouldn't tell me. HE wouldn't want me to worry, or treat him differently, or hurt me. I won't claim to understand this selflessness....but maybe I can learn from the efforts made to protect me so that maybe I, too, can give protection to those I love.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Happy One Year Anniversary
It was one year ago today that I started A Contemporary Fairytale. I remember thinking that I wanted a way to express my thoughts without talking to my friends, or to him....afterall, I was feeling a lot of stress about things and feeling a bit isolated. And I was tired of feeling like a burden to everyone!
So here it is.....and here it is exactly one year later. My first post, An UnValentine's Day, was an expression of how unconventional yet loving our relationship is. Maybe this will be a tradition every February 15th but tonight I am thinking of how amazing our very small interchange, on Valentine's Day, was with each other. HE spent it with his daughter. I spent it alone. But I was happy. Happier than I have been in a while.
Him: "Vons is filled with dudes buying shit :)"
Me: "Soooooo funny"
Him: They will buy anything. So cheesy. Glad our love and appreciation is every day of the year."
Me: "Me too sweetheart. I love you."
He bought me a bunch of pale orange tulips the day before as we strolled through the local farmer's market holding hands.
So here it is.....and here it is exactly one year later. My first post, An UnValentine's Day, was an expression of how unconventional yet loving our relationship is. Maybe this will be a tradition every February 15th but tonight I am thinking of how amazing our very small interchange, on Valentine's Day, was with each other. HE spent it with his daughter. I spent it alone. But I was happy. Happier than I have been in a while.
Him: "Vons is filled with dudes buying shit :)"
Me: "Soooooo funny"
Him: They will buy anything. So cheesy. Glad our love and appreciation is every day of the year."
Me: "Me too sweetheart. I love you."
He bought me a bunch of pale orange tulips the day before as we strolled through the local farmer's market holding hands.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Lonely
I feel so lonely sometimes. I feel ignored and taken for granted and unloved. I know it's not true but sometimes people are so mean to me. Maybe my hard exterior makes it so that people feel they can just say whatever they want to me and it will be ok. Or maybe, I am too blunt with people and they are resentful so they just give it right back to me but in a mean-spirited way.
Others have their lives and things get busy and nothing is taken away from me but I feel scared that I will end up like my grandmother...in a nursing home with no visitors for weeks at a time...and a family who finds it more of a chore than a pleasure to sit with me while I die.
Others have their lives and things get busy and nothing is taken away from me but I feel scared that I will end up like my grandmother...in a nursing home with no visitors for weeks at a time...and a family who finds it more of a chore than a pleasure to sit with me while I die.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
HE Says...
...the sweetest things.
"I'm sorry I didn't get to bang you today," HE says as HE hugs me goodbye. "It's a shame it's not everyday." I think "It could be, silly," but realize saying that out loud would just take away from the intent of his words.
It's hard for me to believe his sweetness is really for me, but I wouldn't want him to stop expressing himself like that for anything.
"I'm sorry I didn't get to bang you today," HE says as HE hugs me goodbye. "It's a shame it's not everyday." I think "It could be, silly," but realize saying that out loud would just take away from the intent of his words.
It's hard for me to believe his sweetness is really for me, but I wouldn't want him to stop expressing himself like that for anything.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Until
Until the day that you are me and I am you.....
A line from Stevie Wonder's "As". Never really listened to this song before yesterday. It's a beautiful tribute to someone that is loved immensely and will be "until", then Stevie describes all kinds of situations that could never happen. Of course I think of him and all the lyrics describe how I feel. Listening to it, I feel bliss and happiness and love for him as much as the first time I realized I felt it.
My learning of late has been mostly about the fact that HE is not me and I am not him. Accepting the different ways we handle ourselves in situations is what the definition of love includes. I missed that somewhere along the way. I fell in love with him because HE was the same creature that HE is today, differences and all.
Learning to trust that just because HE doesn't conduct his life as I do mine, doesn't take away from my life or our beautiful partnership.
We had a good day. We toured a winery and talked and held hands and smiled at each other and enjoyed the amazingly beautiful day together. HE stroked my hair, caressed my skin and I felt really good.
I will miss him tonight.
A line from Stevie Wonder's "As". Never really listened to this song before yesterday. It's a beautiful tribute to someone that is loved immensely and will be "until", then Stevie describes all kinds of situations that could never happen. Of course I think of him and all the lyrics describe how I feel. Listening to it, I feel bliss and happiness and love for him as much as the first time I realized I felt it.
My learning of late has been mostly about the fact that HE is not me and I am not him. Accepting the different ways we handle ourselves in situations is what the definition of love includes. I missed that somewhere along the way. I fell in love with him because HE was the same creature that HE is today, differences and all.
Learning to trust that just because HE doesn't conduct his life as I do mine, doesn't take away from my life or our beautiful partnership.
We had a good day. We toured a winery and talked and held hands and smiled at each other and enjoyed the amazingly beautiful day together. HE stroked my hair, caressed my skin and I felt really good.
I will miss him tonight.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Today
Today was a good day. I woke up happy. My dreams included him and my cat. I think she has magical powers. Lately, whenever she falls asleep on top of me, I dream about her. The other night, she was a tiger and I was afraid that I needed a "Beware of Tiger" sign to place on my gate in case unsuspecting AT&T salespersons stopped by to upsell me. Last night I dreamed of her again...and I dreamed of him.
I felt calm and cool today. We had good conversations and HE seems more engaged. Maybe it is all about his stress level and how HE's feeling better....but maybe it's because HE prefers me happy and lighthearted.
The other night HE told me that HE loved hanging out with me when I was cool. HE has been very complimentary and we've had great conversation.
I know I cannot predict the future but I am looking forward to it with him.
I felt calm and cool today. We had good conversations and HE seems more engaged. Maybe it is all about his stress level and how HE's feeling better....but maybe it's because HE prefers me happy and lighthearted.
The other night HE told me that HE loved hanging out with me when I was cool. HE has been very complimentary and we've had great conversation.
I know I cannot predict the future but I am looking forward to it with him.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Cycle
Frustration couldn't be higher. Anxiety grows every weekend when it starts out like it did last night. HE greeted me at the door and it was ....tense. His peck on the lips then step backwards gave me an indication that HE was retreating from me. HE says HE was stepping back to take a look at me because I looked pretty. Ugh....what to believe......we did not have sex....until this morning.
Why do I always feel like time is slipping away.
Breathe....and let it come.....and have faith that it will come.......(sigh)
Why do I always feel like time is slipping away.
Breathe....and let it come.....and have faith that it will come.......(sigh)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A Restart
HE was nice to me. I listened. HE talked more than HE has in months. We touched. We smiled at each other. I felt loved and wanted and partnered. The sex, well, that's always amazing but it was extra so. We had lots to say to each other and we learned something about the other.
It's funny how self expression can free the spirit and make it possible to back up to the time when things were really good. This past weekend felt like a restart, a do over. We had a good weekend together and as this one nears, I feel like there are endless possibilities.
It's funny how self expression can free the spirit and make it possible to back up to the time when things were really good. This past weekend felt like a restart, a do over. We had a good weekend together and as this one nears, I feel like there are endless possibilities.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mutual Purpose
We both want to feel like we are good enough for our partners, for each other. And we are good enough for our partners but our issues keep us from feeling like we are in the midst of hard issues. And we love each other but we don't communicate very well. In fact, our communication has worsened over the past three years.
HE has told me that HE's turned me into his mother, always being cautious about what HE says and does around me to avoid an emotional response. HE's admitted to physically and emotionally withdrawing. And HE's told me that HE believes I've turned him into my father, just waiting to see how HE will abandon me and make me feel terrible. So, what do we do?
HE will not go to counseling again. I cannot speak to him about it because, well, I think HE is distancing himself from me. Not too long ago I asked him if HE wanted a break. HE said that it hurt his feelings tremendously. I didn't understand why. I was seriously thinking HE wanted to be away from me because, well, that's how I have felt for a long time now. It's confusing to me, his behavior and his words.
Now I sit here realizing that how HE feels about me could ultimately be the death of our relationship. How can HE ever feel about me what HE once did if HE sees me as his mother? All of a sudden it feels like I am everything HE has always said HE didn't want and would not put up with.
My heart really hurts tonight. But his honesty and his forthrightness gives me hope that maybe we can really start to heal now.
HE has told me that HE's turned me into his mother, always being cautious about what HE says and does around me to avoid an emotional response. HE's admitted to physically and emotionally withdrawing. And HE's told me that HE believes I've turned him into my father, just waiting to see how HE will abandon me and make me feel terrible. So, what do we do?
HE will not go to counseling again. I cannot speak to him about it because, well, I think HE is distancing himself from me. Not too long ago I asked him if HE wanted a break. HE said that it hurt his feelings tremendously. I didn't understand why. I was seriously thinking HE wanted to be away from me because, well, that's how I have felt for a long time now. It's confusing to me, his behavior and his words.
Now I sit here realizing that how HE feels about me could ultimately be the death of our relationship. How can HE ever feel about me what HE once did if HE sees me as his mother? All of a sudden it feels like I am everything HE has always said HE didn't want and would not put up with.
My heart really hurts tonight. But his honesty and his forthrightness gives me hope that maybe we can really start to heal now.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Quiet
My soul, my mind, and my body, are quiet today. Do you know what it feels like to realize that a storm has passed? Do you realize the exact moment that you look outside to see the sun beaming its rays on everything? It's like you feel the grass and flowers growing at that moment. Then you realize that the birds have started singing again, that the wind has moved on and the air is still and that it's just....quiet. That's how I feel right now and I'm savoring the feeling.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My Story
There is a difference between "the facts" and "my story". A fact is something that can be substantiated like "HE told me HE couldn't get together on this night." My story is how I interpret the fact. "HE rejected me because HE didn't want to get together on this night, and HE is probably seeing someone else and that's why HE said HE couldn't see me." Experience is part of the story. Instinct is part of the story. But no matter what, the story is, well, just a story. It isn't the facts.
I learned this yesterday. I mean, I internalized this concept and applied it to my life so that I could begin to understand how I set up the world around me, yesterday. I journaled about all of the scenarios and deciphered between fact and story and decided that yes, I do paint my world in a pretty gloomy hue of gray, almost black, rather than give the benefit of the doubt to my partner and keep my world like the beautiful sunrise I saw the other morning with vivid reds, oranges and yellows.
Why?
Why do I feel the need to create negativity and chaos where there is none? I do that. I don't know that I do it when I'm in the moment but when I'm done, when I'm through ripping the trees from the ground and the roofs off the houses while I swirl about with rage, like Katrina, I see the tremendous damage and I feel awful. Then I punish myself for my bad behavior by asking my partner if HE wants to leave me or take a break or somehow show me that I've been bad.
Why?
This is not what I want. Truly it is not what I want. My stories are not getting me closer to what is it that I want. My stories are creating more pain and isolation for me. My stories are creating stress and withdrawal by my partner.
I tend to take on the Helpless persona when I have these chaotic, insecure episodes. Again, for some reason my story leads me to believe that I won't be able to pull out of bad feelings. It's so many years of feeling that way as a kid....no control, no room to express my feelings, taking what I'm given even if it's not acceptable....it is all part of my story.
It can be fixed but I feel sad about it right now. My relationship with him is so important and I hope I don't lose it.
I learned this yesterday. I mean, I internalized this concept and applied it to my life so that I could begin to understand how I set up the world around me, yesterday. I journaled about all of the scenarios and deciphered between fact and story and decided that yes, I do paint my world in a pretty gloomy hue of gray, almost black, rather than give the benefit of the doubt to my partner and keep my world like the beautiful sunrise I saw the other morning with vivid reds, oranges and yellows.
Why?
Why do I feel the need to create negativity and chaos where there is none? I do that. I don't know that I do it when I'm in the moment but when I'm done, when I'm through ripping the trees from the ground and the roofs off the houses while I swirl about with rage, like Katrina, I see the tremendous damage and I feel awful. Then I punish myself for my bad behavior by asking my partner if HE wants to leave me or take a break or somehow show me that I've been bad.
Why?
This is not what I want. Truly it is not what I want. My stories are not getting me closer to what is it that I want. My stories are creating more pain and isolation for me. My stories are creating stress and withdrawal by my partner.
I tend to take on the Helpless persona when I have these chaotic, insecure episodes. Again, for some reason my story leads me to believe that I won't be able to pull out of bad feelings. It's so many years of feeling that way as a kid....no control, no room to express my feelings, taking what I'm given even if it's not acceptable....it is all part of my story.
It can be fixed but I feel sad about it right now. My relationship with him is so important and I hope I don't lose it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Giving
Giving means extending one's Love with no conditions, no expectations and no boundaries.
Today I want. Today plans have changed and now I want what I want....but HE may not want to give me what I want. But I should be the giver today. I should give him what HE wants. HE wants solitude, and peace and focus and, not me.
I feel myself pushing him to want me. I feel myself looking for reasons HE doesn't want me. I feel angst and stress rising up inside of me. But I am learning to choose peace, not to fight for every single thing I want.
It is important to remember that we all have everything we need now,
What I have now is a beautiful day, a house filled with opportunities, solitude, the ability to be infinitely creative and productive, and many hours left until the sun goes down. Today is filled with possibilities. Maybe I don't get what I desire first, but maybe I will get more out of today than I ever thought I would.
Happy day to you, my Love. And happy day to all.
Excerpts from Love is Letting Go of Fear, by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Today I want. Today plans have changed and now I want what I want....but HE may not want to give me what I want. But I should be the giver today. I should give him what HE wants. HE wants solitude, and peace and focus and, not me.
I feel myself pushing him to want me. I feel myself looking for reasons HE doesn't want me. I feel angst and stress rising up inside of me. But I am learning to choose peace, not to fight for every single thing I want.
It is important to remember that we all have everything we need now,
What I have now is a beautiful day, a house filled with opportunities, solitude, the ability to be infinitely creative and productive, and many hours left until the sun goes down. Today is filled with possibilities. Maybe I don't get what I desire first, but maybe I will get more out of today than I ever thought I would.
Happy day to you, my Love. And happy day to all.
Excerpts from Love is Letting Go of Fear, by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A New Path
I was happy with the old path. I was happy with the one where I thought we were the only two people in our world. But, times have changed and everyday I search for something inside me to again feel alright. I sit here, in his house, waiting for him to take a break. It feels ok but it feels like I should be elsewhere. Not that I want to be elsewhere...but maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something.
It's hard to let go of what I know. It's hard for me to believe that maybe a new path will lead to even more happiness and bliss. But the new path is here and I'm growing weary of fighting.
It's hard to let go of what I know. It's hard for me to believe that maybe a new path will lead to even more happiness and bliss. But the new path is here and I'm growing weary of fighting.
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