Honesty

Loyalty isn't the only lesson I am learning in this relationship of mine.  Honesty is a huge issue for me as an individual.  When I found out HE had had affairs for the past 6, 7, 8, years, I literally stopped being afraid of the truth.  It was like an instant cure for a lifetime liar like me.

"Fuck it, you'll get the truth now," I blasted at him during one conversation.  And I meant it.  The truth could not be nearly as hurtful as the truth HE finally divulged during that fateful April day.  I am not perfect.  I will never be.  I will tell lies in the future.  But, with him, I am motivated to tell the truth, not to be hurtful but to demonstrate that I have overcome my fear of truth-telling.  Besides, HE has always boasted how much HE tells the truth and how much HE can accept me for who I am...so, it is a test of sorts as well.

I often find myself wondering why it is still so hard for him to open up about the affairs, especially since now HE continues telling me how the other women friends are "no big deal".  Isn't it ironic that I have more or less emerged the role model in this area of our relationship?  I tell him about men I find attractive.  I tell him who I am attracted to and when I speak with them or see them.  I tell them when the crush is over. 

Truth is like a giant caution sign.  The first time you see it, it grabs your attention and you fear that if the warning isn't heeded, something bad will happen.  You look all around to identify the hazard and you tread slowly.  After a while, however, you realize how to maneuver around the "pothole in the street" pretty well until you really don't see the sign any longer.  You just know that at that bend in the road, the pothole sits and then you move past it to your final destination, without harm and without injury.

When truth passes through your lips the first time, you are scared shitless that your partner will not accept you for it.  The second time, you are still pretty scared but you proceed with caution....until, one day, it's second nature and you don't really think about how you will tell it, you just tell it.

Then, at another defining moment, you stop caring for whom you're motivated to be honest with.  This is where the real empowerment comes.  You tell the truth because you want to tell the truth.  You do it for yourself. 



And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32

I am not a religious woman but I do believe in this quote; afterall, my dad used to tell me the same thing but he would say, "The truth will set you free darlin'".