Letting It Go

HE says I choose unhappiness more than I choose happiness.  I disagree, but when I review my thoughts I can't help but wonder if HE's right.

Take today, for instance.  I review my schedule for the week and all that I have to accomplish. I am already thinking of a specific date that we could have this week because of something I read about in the paper.  I don't know if HE's already busy but then, my mind wanders through one of a few scenarios: 

a) Two weeks ago when HE was seen clicking glasses of beer with a woman, that I have met, that I had warned him was interested in him, which HE dismissed but told me HE'd give me a head's up before meeting her out, which HE didn't, and on top of all of that, had rejected my invitation to meet me for happy hour that same evening because HE had "too much laundry and chores" and was "too tired".  Fucking liar!

b) Multiple times when HE meets a woman, who I've never heard of, to fuck because her dear poor husband, who she is so in love with, has a heart problem so I guess HE is just there to save her from being a little pent up, oh, and it's fun and she is his friend....Fuck liar and cheater!

c) Who knows how often, there is a woman, there's always a woman waiting in the wings, to be swooned by him, who knows if for friendship or a love/lust affair.....Goddammit I am now just over the top pissed and hurt...

And all the while, I can't figure out why we've spent the last 11 years discussing honesty and "living life as you want to live it".  To me, it feels like HE just wanted me to live my life the way HE wanted me to live it meanwhile HE wanted to live his life like HE always has. 

I am a liar and a cheater as well.  I am not judging him for being those things.  But, I did think I was so special that HE would actually not cheat, or lie to me just to fuck someone else, who, HE claims HE wants nothing to do with except to spend a few hours every once in a while.  But the lies just keep on piling up.  And the bullshit is just spilling over the edges.  So, then, there becomes this whole stress and anxiety in the beginning of the week that manifests all week until I see him again, and he smiles and me and tells me he loves me and he's happy to see me.  And then I just go off and make the whole weekend a shitstorm of emotional rantings. 

So, do I overthink stuff?  Hmmm maybe...but I am still angry, and hurt and fearful that I will always be the cuckhold in the relationship.  I have made so many lifestyle alterations, because I wanted to, but because I thought that we had the same goals in mind. 

I will eventually let it go....but in the meantime, I wonder how much more I can take. 

You can only control yourself.
See the beauty.
Feel the love.
Give love and light to those you care for.
Let go.

Today's mantra for me.