Loyalty and Lessons

HE says I teach him lessons all the time.  I have learned one big one with him.  I have never been a loyal person.  In a college psychology class we partnered up with a classmate and played a game.  In the game, we had to work together, back to back, writing down points.  If I wrote down two points and my partner wrote down one, I won, she lost.  It was a game which, in the end, was supposed to promote partnership, loyalty and teamwork.  If we matched points, then we'd both win.  In the end, I screwed my partner out of points because winning as an individual was more important to me than being loyal and helping someone else win as well.

On Survivor, you see this go down all the time. There are always the people who give their word then fuck over the other person in the end in order to get further ahead.  This is how I lived my life for a very long time. In fact, I lived that way up until seven years ago.  When I fucked him over because of my anger and lack of self awareness, it occurred to me that I just hurt the single most important adult that I have ever known. 

I truly felt remorse.  I truly felt like I had just fatally injured the best thing to ever happen to me.  And even today, I still feel bad for my actions.  There are just so many more ways to handle feelings and situations and issues than to act selfishly with complete disregard for the other person or the consequences.

Today I can say that my actions are reflective of a loyal person. Loyalty is something that HE taught me.  HE didn't tell me how to be loyal or show me how it's done, I learned by virtue of wanting to become a better person, a better partner. 

Loyalty , for me, includes not having sex with others.  It includes being there for him, whenever HE needs me.  It includes being supportive to him even if it means that I don't get what I want.  (Ok, well, the last statement still takes a lot of work on my part but it's about progress, not perfection.)  I would do anything for this man.  And this is a new feeling for me. 

Maybe loyalty is a result of age and maturity.  Maybe it's a result of letting go.  Or, maybe it's the product of true love....who knows.  But here I sit, at his feet, loyal as a rescued pound puppy and no matter what HE does or says to me, I wait for him to show me his appreciation, love and affection. 

Life is ironic.  Just when certain lessons are learned, and it is thought that the world (my world) will now be perfect (as perfect as it gets, not literally perfect), the reality that your partner is not the same person as you sets in and shakes things up again. 

Loyalty is the pledge of truth to oneself and others. Ada Velez-Boardley