Irrelevance

Maybe it happens to all writers at some point or another.  Maybe it's just me.  When I sit down to write, sometimes I have been thinking of my relationship for so long but I edit before I even get to the page.  I wonder what will be meaningful and fascinating.  Sometimes, I admit, I write to get out some feelings and thoughts and I don't really care if it's meaningful or fascinating.  I do it for me.  Which, I believe, is what we all should be writing for.

Many days, though, I just feel irrelevant.  I'm not being dramatic but I believe that there's really nothing I have to say that's important, meaningful or fascinating to anyone.  I think I have a fear of feeling irrelevant.  And sometimes, when I have too much to say or my story doesn't flow or my thoughts are all jumbled, I get frustrated and just say, to myself, "Screw it.  I have nothing to say." 

I've always had trouble marketing myself...in everything...well, except for my profession.  If I think about it, marketing myself as a professional is much more irrelevant than marketing myself as a real, interesting, person.  I mean who cares what I do to earn a paycheck except maybe my boss and a few people at the company right?  But in the world, there are so many people that I come in contact with and if I am interesting, fascinating, fun, etc...I have so much more to gain...like party invites and developing friendships and super great experiences. 

Today I feel somewhat irrelevant.  Not in a depressed, "nobody loves me" way, more in a "I am a speck in the universe" way.  I guess I should revel in these moments as well because every moment in a life counts and something beautiful can come if I keep my mind open.  Now, I am going to disappear into my bed and dream sweet dreams.