My Story

There is a difference between "the facts" and "my story".  A fact is something that can be substantiated like "HE told me HE couldn't get together on this night."  My story is how I interpret the fact.  "HE rejected me because HE didn't want to get together on this night, and HE is probably seeing someone else and that's why HE said HE couldn't see me."  Experience is part of the story.  Instinct is part of the story.  But no matter what, the story is, well, just a story.  It isn't the facts.

I learned this yesterday.  I mean, I internalized this concept and applied it to my life so that I could begin to understand how I set up the world around me, yesterday.  I journaled about all of the scenarios and deciphered between fact and story and decided that yes, I do paint my world in a pretty gloomy hue of gray, almost black,  rather than give the benefit of the doubt to my partner and keep my world like the beautiful sunrise I saw the other morning with vivid reds, oranges and yellows. 

Why?

Why do I feel the need to create negativity and chaos where there is none?  I do that.  I don't know that I do it when I'm in the moment but when I'm done, when I'm through ripping the trees from the ground and the roofs off the houses while I swirl about with rage, like Katrina, I see the tremendous damage and I feel awful.  Then I punish myself for my bad behavior by asking my partner if HE wants to leave me or take a break or somehow show me that I've been bad. 

Why?

This is not what I want.  Truly it is not what I want.  My stories are not getting me closer to what is it that I want.  My stories are creating more pain and isolation for me.  My stories are creating stress and withdrawal by my partner. 

I tend to take on the Helpless persona when I have these chaotic, insecure episodes.  Again, for some reason my story leads me to believe that I won't be able to pull out of bad feelings.  It's so many years of feeling that way as a kid....no control, no room to express my feelings, taking what I'm given even if it's not acceptable....it is all part of my story. 

It can be fixed but I feel sad about it right now.  My relationship with him is so important and I hope I don't lose it.