Stuck

According to my research, I seem to be stuck in phase three of dealing with infidelity in a relationship.  Phase three occurs once you realize that the relationship you thought you had, or once did have, can never be the same again.  You realize that everything has changed and that nothing will ever be the same.  Oh, and you don't know if it will be better yet.  The silver lining is, however, if you and your partner have not separated or broken up and are still working on things, you have a good chance of making it work if you continue dealing with things.

So, I guess I should feel good about this.  I just still feel stuck.  And, according to the research, if I can't get out of this phase three, then all my future relationships, should this one not survive, will also be fucked because I will be angry, depressed and will never trust anyone again. 

With everything inside I want to blame him.  But, according to the research, that is not healthy and I should take responsibility for my part in all of it.  I can't imagine what my part was in the cheating that has taken place and is still taking place after nine years!  Oh, yea, that's right....I started it when I cheated first.  So, I guess I should suck it up because his cheating is all my fault?

If I dismiss the bullshit of his "friendships" and if I take everything HE says about them at face value, like "I don't put that much effort into the friendships", "It's just the way I socialize" and that "...there is no contest, you (meaning me) win...." then everything is perfect.  But I get so wound up when HE won't confess. 

Love and accept him for who HE is.  Faults and all.  For better or worse.  See happiness....... we had a bad night last night.  And I won't see him again for a while.