On top of my decade plus relationship being on pause right now, work is totally draining every ounce of energy I have left. If that wasn't enough, my grandma has slipped into a "comatose like state" because she is "transitioning" to death. Ugh! My heart and mind are so spent right now.
Why does the saying, "When it rains it pours" feel so true in my life right now. I have to think it's because this is a time in my life that I am being tested. "How much can she take?" the Universe asks as it laughs at me. I am feeling somewhat defeated yet somehow motivated to get my shit in order.
The last time I spoke to my grandma, who I call Oma, she said to me, "Don't wait until it's too late honey," in her deep Southern drawl. "I won't," I lied. It has been painful to see her. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving 2009. I just haven't been able to bring myself back to her as much as I love her and want to be by her side. She and I had a bond unlike any other.
I just got her. She lead a long, wild life that was way ahead of her time. She was a hairdresser by trade and party girl by hobby. She was married five times and had a mind as sharp as a tack. Telling jokes was her icebreaker, always. As her "oldness" progressed, she couldn't tell them as sharply as before. She'd forget a line or two but always remembered the punch line. She was unable to walk for the last five or so years.
I have to go back and see her.....it is hard but I have to do it. I have to face the reality of her impending death. Maybe I don't want to face her death because I am so afraid of the death of my relationship. They both seem overwhelmingly painful.
My relationship with him is on pause. Silence is the main ingredient right now. We talk but only through a single sentence text or by email. I miss him so much. I want him so much. My whole being aches without him. I'm getting it. This pause is forcing me to see the error of my ways. Good! Maybe this is what I truly needed but didn't know it.
HE is wiser than me. The silence IS just as important as the talking. Reflection IS just as important as interaction. HE's right about all of that. Everything I feel doesn't have to come out to him. Editing is great for a relationship. Even if monogamy wasn't the issue, there would be other issues, just as important, just as emotionally charged, just as dividing as this one.
On the bright side, non monogamy isn't as hurtful as, say, drug addiction, or thievery, or other such crimes. All in all, HE is who HE is. I can take him, or I can leave him. Leaving him will only be temporary, while I go back to deal with my grandma and her impending death. I wish HE would go with me.
As for the Universe, bring it. I can handle much more than this!
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