Despite how well we think we may know someone, we never know someone completely. Secrets are easy for me to keep, especially if my true self is at risk of being found out. I don't know, I think that my self preservation began at a very young age, when my mother weilded her anger onto me if I told her something that she didn't like. She'd slap me across the face, restrict me, or somehow make me feel so low about myself. No one understood the meaning of "beaten into submission" as well as I. So, over time, my self drifted to the background and withered into a creature of the night, so to speak. The person I became, to others, was not who I really was.
The person that I truly am is curious, adventurous, open to fantasy and darkness, experimentation and new experiences. With him, it was easier to be more of who I was than it had ever been before. But it is difficult to overcome self preservation for another.
I asked him, "What made you tell me the truth?" and his answer was, "I have been working in this direction for a long time." It was all I could do not to yell out "BULLSHIT" but I realize that that's my own insecurity creeping up on me again.
Telling another your secrets can be impossible. Keeping secrets is much easier. And in many ways it is easy to justify keeping them to yourself. Your life is your life...just because someone else is in it doesn't mean they deserve to know anything about you. You give what you choose to give.
This is what's difficult for me to trust. We both struggle with secrets and truth. Only I know how honest I have been with him. Only HE knows how honest HE has been with me. Does it matter if we love each other, respect each other, and protect the feelings of each other?
When you look into a mirror, no matter how much you may love or loathe the reflection, it is still your reflection. We are such reflections of each other.
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