Everyday Is a Winding Road

...I get a little bit stronger. Gotta love the Sheryl Crow. Now she can tell a story.

Today is a good day. Everyday it feels like I'm having to work very hard to find my center. I must find direction in my life. More direction I mean. I have direction but it feels like my direction has been redirected.

Maybe my lesson in life to learn is not love and companionship, but selflessness and being greatful for what I am given. My upbringing has always taught me to put myself last. If a plate of brownies was passed around, for example, I was supposed to let everyone else take the one they wanted, then I would choose from what was left over. There are a million examples of this in my life.

While I think that that way of dealing with people is thoughtful in a way, it has, for the most part, left me with a desperation to secretly get what I want. It has left me feeling screwed over in many ways. It has also left me feeling like everyone is against me because most people don't ask me what I want. In a relationship, it has lead to me cheating, lying, and leading a less than honorable life. And it has also taught me to feel sorry for myself.

I figure that every day I'm alive and well is another day I get to try all over again. I think this time I'll do it differently. Who knows, maybe the biggest brownie will be left behind and I'll get exactly what I want.