Giving In To Flattery

Maybe it was a low self esteem or maybe it was just an innate curiosity about people, but, there is something to be said for being curious about people who are interested in me. There have been many experiences in my life where I have dated men most simply because they wanted to date me. I'm convinced that my marriage happened simply because he was the only one to have asked.

There have been many many men I have been interested in but my style is not that of an obvious sort. I don't hit guys over the head with propositions and inuendo to let them know I am interested. I mostly sit back and wait. Yea, when the opportunity presents itself, you best believe that I turn on my charm and wit and any other sparkly attractor I can think of to get noticed, but obviousness is not one of them.

When we met, immediately I was interested in him. It was a different sort of interest. I dreamed of him often and knew that someday we would be in each other's lives no matter what. When we began discussing the hows of us getting together, HE told me that HE was in no way confident that I liked him in the beginning. OMG...I thought. In this case, I really thought I put myself out there, was too obvious, desperate acting at times...but HE swears HE didn't know for sure until we went on a date or two.

Men can tend to make fools of themselves just to get noticed. Being the cool girl that I am, indifference and coy like behavior is what I feel most comfortable portraying. But inside, the fact that any man liked me made my stomach turn flips.

The more forward they were, the quicker I tended to move in their direction. "You like the funny guy," HE has always accused me. "You like the backwards-hat-wearing assholes," HE'd joke. Well, typically, those were the fellas that liked strong, cool chicks like me.

I have slept with many dudes that I didn't necessarily like all that much, but it felt like I wanted to give them a gift for being nice to me, for taking time to show me how they felt and "putting it out there". Sex was something that I had that they wanted and it was not really a big deal to give away. It was intersting to see them in a vulnerable situation...to see how they acted undressed, how attentive they were, or weren't, how endowed they were, or not, how they acted afterwards and if they continued to chase me afterwards.

So, when I hear that HE is sleeping with someone that HE doesn't really have feelings for, I understand that, in a weird way. I get it.

With the exception of a very few, most of my past lovers have liked me a lot more than I liked them. I was amused and somewhat involved emotionally, but for the most part, I just felt like a beautiful woman giving a piece of myself to them because I felt they deserved it.

Could it be that HE is exactly the same way? Could it be that all HE tells me is really true? That HE isn't all that involved; that HE saves all the best parts for me because HE feels a lot for me? I can see how that might be true.

Over the years though, and with him, I have learned that giving a piece of myself to another, even if it is just a morsel, takes away from other parts of my life, especially if I have to lie and cheat to achieve it. It leaves me feeling bad about myself despite how I felt when I was giving to the other.