Love is Letting Go

One of my favorite songwriters said that love is letting go. Until this moment in my life I never understood this concept. I am an only child...very selfish, indulgent, giving but only if it pleases me. Most of the time, despite my self image of being evolved and compassionate, I really do live as if it's all about me.

I've probably been angry my whole life. My mom was overprotective and abusive. She was a teen mom. My dad was a young man aching to sew his seed with every woman in sight when he found out my mom was pregnant. With such a tumultuous relationship, it's no wonder that I was left feeling unloved, dismissed and emotionally abandoned. My mom was always worried about my dad's indiscretions and my dad was burdened by having to raise a family while still growing up himself.

There was much anger in my childhood. Holes were punched in walls, glasses were broken and the screaming, oh, the screaming. My parents always bought homes where my bedroom was across the house from them. It was probably because they thought the screaming wouldn't reach me, but they were wrong. If I had siblings, maybe I'd have had something else to concentrate on, some other distraction other than all that anger and stress.

Children are made to be seen and not heard....my parents believed. I would get slapped in the face by my mom if I "talked back" to her. Talking back was pretty much voicing an opinion about anything. To my dad, everything was a joke. I have probably only had a handful of serious conversations with my dad my whole life and none of them have been about our emotionally distant relationship.

With all that anger and resentment and nowhere to put it, it's no wonder my life was filled with secrets. Instead of expressing my feelings to my partner, I'd leave, or cheat or cheat and then leave. I would always get the last word, so to speak. The yelling started only after my marriage. I had never yelled in a relationship prior to that point in my life. But, as in my childhood, the yelling was a natural progression. It was born of stress and no tools to deal with it. It never solved anything and over time, it became easier and more violent until I became divorced.

When I met him, I felt like I had been saved. A true Knight in shining armor. My anger and resentment seemed to have disappeared. Normal stressors were so minor because I was so happy all the time. I just felt high....I felt drunk with the thought of him (another lyric from Sheryl) and I loved it.

But I see now what all that pent up anger and resentment does to a person. It slowly poisons and eventually creeps into even the best of relationships. It causes complaining and mistrust and disrespect and bullying and snooping and general unhappiness. It also causes mad resentment and actions of revenge. This past weekend HE told me that my posts sounded angry.

"If I were reading them as a third party I'd think, man that chick is really angry with him," HE said to me candidly. "Really?" I replied surprised. And that's when it hit me...even if I believed that the anger and resentment were gone, they weren't. It was all still there, lying, perhaps, dormant until the relationship became stressful or different, or if HE didn't indulge my selfishness as much as "usual".

I thought that when I wrote about our relationship it was filled with love, honor and respect. I thought that I was truly telling the fairytale of "us". Love is letting go......let it all go.

I do love him. It won't work as long as I'm broken. I have to let go of the anger I feel for my parents. For all those times I was slapped, spanked, disappointed, tricked, abandoned.....I have to let it all go and realize that none of it was my fault. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I have to stop playing the victim. There is nobody to punish me any longer except for me. Yes, it's comfortable to have to dig my way out of the catacombs of "trouble" but it's such an energy-sucking, fucked up way to live. They did the best they could and they love me. Get over it already.

If I can let it all go, I will be happier and in direct relation, so will "we". Everyday is a winding road.