What Will Our Right Way Be?

LiYana's article is a good one.
Growth is most often a very painful process... but when the pain has subsided, strength and confidence often emerge.

Tuesday Torment

Ugh. Today is so rough. I feel like I am completely alone on this journey of mine, which, in and of itself sounds ridiculous. Of course I'm alone. I always have been. But, part of the fairytale, once you've found "the one", is thinking that HE is always with you even if you are separated by geography and time.

I need a kind word, a sweet email, a kiss, a hug and and an "I love you" today....but asking for it also seems ridiculous. Maybe HE is thinking fondly of me...or maybe HE is just thinking about how HE will ever be able to tell me that HE's made plans to go fuck her again.

Give up? Give in? Let go? Be alright? There are too many questions and not enough answers. Today is only Tuesday.

Sex is Like Food

"Sex is like food," HE says. "There's Roberto's, and then there's Cucina Urbana," HE goes on. It's all food and you have to eat.

This is true. I mean, who really wants to eat the same exact meal every single time? Not me. And eating at a different restaurant every night, in many ways, sounds really exciting. And sometimes you want a healthy, slow paced meal, and then others you merely want sustenance and you want to drive thru.

Our newest idea is to try sex with others, together. We had a super sexy weekend and we talked a lot about this idea. We expressed all of the situations we could see being in together...I'm not sure really how it will work but the details are in progress as we speak.

What isn't clear is if HE will be happy with this arrangement versus the one HE's been living for his whole life. In my mind, if we could just do this part together, everything else becomes so easy. I feel more confident about everything and HE feels free to be him. It's a win win!

And a little sex with strangers, so to speak, would be fantastically hot. I am such a virgin in many ways. Kissing my first girl will be, to say the least, interesting.

I'd better increase the intensity of my work outs because I see a lot of meal exploration in my future.

Everyday Is a Winding Road

...I get a little bit stronger. Gotta love the Sheryl Crow. Now she can tell a story.

Today is a good day. Everyday it feels like I'm having to work very hard to find my center. I must find direction in my life. More direction I mean. I have direction but it feels like my direction has been redirected.

Maybe my lesson in life to learn is not love and companionship, but selflessness and being greatful for what I am given. My upbringing has always taught me to put myself last. If a plate of brownies was passed around, for example, I was supposed to let everyone else take the one they wanted, then I would choose from what was left over. There are a million examples of this in my life.

While I think that that way of dealing with people is thoughtful in a way, it has, for the most part, left me with a desperation to secretly get what I want. It has left me feeling screwed over in many ways. It has also left me feeling like everyone is against me because most people don't ask me what I want. In a relationship, it has lead to me cheating, lying, and leading a less than honorable life. And it has also taught me to feel sorry for myself.

I figure that every day I'm alive and well is another day I get to try all over again. I think this time I'll do it differently. Who knows, maybe the biggest brownie will be left behind and I'll get exactly what I want.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Each day feels like we play tug of war. We love each other so much but feel torn about this fidelity issue. HE wants to fuck other people, without me, and wants me not to worry about it. I want him to stop fucking other people without me, and work with me to fuck people together.

It's back and forth and I feel scared. I just don't know what it's going to be like if it continues the way it's been going. I feel like I deserve better even though HE's done an incredible job of making sure his lifestyle hasn't bled into our world.

Are we individuals living in a relationship or a relationship trying to be individuals? It's a tough question. For me, I am in a relationship and want to do individual stuff. HE, though, is an individual trying to be in a relationship. HE tells me different but his actions give me all the evidence to feel confident about this assessment.

It feels like I'm trudging through thick sand. My muscles are achy and my feet are tired but if I keep going, I will make it through and I will have lost a few pounds and increased my strength.

There is Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

There are things in life worth sacrificing for. No one can tell you when to sacrifice or when the thing is worth it. You just have to know and be confident in your choices. And I know....HE is worth it; so why is it hard to let go of the fear?

The Bigger Things in Life

If I told my girlfriends of my currently discovered situation with him, they would all tell me to leave. They would tell me that I deserve better and that I don't have to put up with that shit. They would give me more advice than I bargained for and the whole time I'd be trying to defend him. I do defend him...because, for the most part, I believe the same things that HE believes.

People cheat. They just do. Sometimes it's from anger, sometimes it's from lust, and sometimes it's because the desire for something different is just who that person is. When I think of the bigger things in life, this isn't the worst thing that I could experience.

When I first met him, I dreamed that HE had many many women.....everywhere I turned there was one. I believe in dreams. I believe that HE and I were together in another life. I believe that HE is THE ONE. Yes, I do. Flaws and all. Stubbornness and insensitivity and all the things I wish were different.

The bigger things: HE loves me. HE wants me and not the others. HE has allowed me into his life, even the responsible parts (I know where HE lives! Yes that is something in his world.). HE treats me very well. HE gives me his best. We share almost everything. We laugh together. We have amazing sex, all the time. We experience a whole lot together.

In many ways, our relationship is almost perfect. If we could just get through this part and find a way to trust and be completely honest there would be nothing to force a wedge between us. I guess I have some work to do with me!

I can't wait to have more of the bigger things in life, with him.

Lyrical Guru

What a difference a day makes...today is a much better day. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. The darkness has subsided and I can see the beauty of the day. HE is tired and I can't blame him. HE is such a patient man to take me on. I am more than a handful most of the time.

HE is strong enough to be my man.

Rollercoaster...of Love

Ugh, one day I'm ecstatic that we've finally gotten through some bullshit then the next, I am one angry bitch! I really don't think I've ever been in love before because as pissed and hurt and betrayed as I feel, I want nothing more than to see that happy ending work out for us.

HE writes, "Do you think you want to sleep with other people?" "Does that hold any allure to you?" I don't know if it angers me more that HE obviously doesn't see how callused and insensitive his timing is or the fact that I have pretty much avoided beautiful men that I'd like to throw down for a "few hours" because we had an agreement.

It's so not about the other people. I couldn't give a shit about other people. HE says HE doesn't like spending more than a few hours with anyone else and that HE only likes spending all that time with me. HE makes it sound like HE's doing his great Boy Scout deed for the month or something.

I really believe at this point that I am more antisocial than HE is. Maybe that was in his master plan....

HIM: "I will brain wash her to think I'm antisocial so she'll follow suit then BAM! I will have her! I will have trapped her in my web of lies...surrounded her with my silky love and affection to the point that she can't break free. Then, I will have my cake and will eat it tooo..Mwwwaaaaaahaa ha ha ha ha"

Last week I was gushing because I thought that him seeing someone one time every few months would be no big deal...but now he lays on that he also wants "friends". Ummmm, WTF? HE was never disallowed to have friends...what am I his mother?

Today, I don't understand many things about him. I feel like HE is a stranger to me. I don't feel safe. But then again, maybe I should let go and see how my stomach feels after the ride.

Giving In To Flattery

Maybe it was a low self esteem or maybe it was just an innate curiosity about people, but, there is something to be said for being curious about people who are interested in me. There have been many experiences in my life where I have dated men most simply because they wanted to date me. I'm convinced that my marriage happened simply because he was the only one to have asked.

There have been many many men I have been interested in but my style is not that of an obvious sort. I don't hit guys over the head with propositions and inuendo to let them know I am interested. I mostly sit back and wait. Yea, when the opportunity presents itself, you best believe that I turn on my charm and wit and any other sparkly attractor I can think of to get noticed, but obviousness is not one of them.

When we met, immediately I was interested in him. It was a different sort of interest. I dreamed of him often and knew that someday we would be in each other's lives no matter what. When we began discussing the hows of us getting together, HE told me that HE was in no way confident that I liked him in the beginning. OMG...I thought. In this case, I really thought I put myself out there, was too obvious, desperate acting at times...but HE swears HE didn't know for sure until we went on a date or two.

Men can tend to make fools of themselves just to get noticed. Being the cool girl that I am, indifference and coy like behavior is what I feel most comfortable portraying. But inside, the fact that any man liked me made my stomach turn flips.

The more forward they were, the quicker I tended to move in their direction. "You like the funny guy," HE has always accused me. "You like the backwards-hat-wearing assholes," HE'd joke. Well, typically, those were the fellas that liked strong, cool chicks like me.

I have slept with many dudes that I didn't necessarily like all that much, but it felt like I wanted to give them a gift for being nice to me, for taking time to show me how they felt and "putting it out there". Sex was something that I had that they wanted and it was not really a big deal to give away. It was intersting to see them in a vulnerable situation...to see how they acted undressed, how attentive they were, or weren't, how endowed they were, or not, how they acted afterwards and if they continued to chase me afterwards.

So, when I hear that HE is sleeping with someone that HE doesn't really have feelings for, I understand that, in a weird way. I get it.

With the exception of a very few, most of my past lovers have liked me a lot more than I liked them. I was amused and somewhat involved emotionally, but for the most part, I just felt like a beautiful woman giving a piece of myself to them because I felt they deserved it.

Could it be that HE is exactly the same way? Could it be that all HE tells me is really true? That HE isn't all that involved; that HE saves all the best parts for me because HE feels a lot for me? I can see how that might be true.

Over the years though, and with him, I have learned that giving a piece of myself to another, even if it is just a morsel, takes away from other parts of my life, especially if I have to lie and cheat to achieve it. It leaves me feeling bad about myself despite how I felt when I was giving to the other.

Curiosity

What I can't wrap my head around is the reason HE tells me he cheats. "Aren't you ever curious?" HE asks. The concept of being curious as a reason to fuck others is completely understandable and easy to grasp but fucking the same someone for over a year, to me, is NOT curiosity.

Two summers ago, "Greg" approached me. I was in a class and he was the instructor. He was good looking, smart, compassionate, and powerful in his world. I was merely a student fulfilling a requirement. I was surprised that he was so forward but he asked me if, on his next visit to my town, I could be his "tour guide". Curious? Yes, I was.

What isn't curious to me is going back to the same person you used to date. What isn't curious to me is returning to that person time and time again. To me, being curious about someone is when the situation is new, uncharted territory, and all is to be discovered.

Greg told me he was married and that he loved his wife but that he wanted to get to know me. I told him that while I was flattered, that wasn't something I was interested in. He asked if I was involved with someone and I told him yes. He wanted to know more but I chose not to give him more. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it might be, to say no, that is. So much of my life has been to say yes, especially if someone shows an interest(but I'll save that for another post).

He emailed me a few times, when he'd come to town. I told him no thank you each time. He stopped emailing me. He said that if I ever wanted to get together, though, to email him. I erased his email. I felt good about my choice despite my curiosity.

I want to understand why HE is curious about a woman HE has known for years, who HE says HE gives nothing to except a little sex now and again. I want to understand why it is curiosity if HE already knows the contours of her body, her smell, her taste, her style, her noises, her desires. HE says HE doesn't come with her. HE says they don't really do anything but fuck and make small talk...but that it's mostly on her side. There is no wooing, no dating, no gift exchanges, no phone calling, nothing....but fucking on occasion.

I have realized over the years that curiosity is sometimes better left unsatisfied. And when someone is curious about you, flattery, even in the absence of giving into the curiosity, is as meaningful as an emotionless fuck.

Shaky Ground

Ever since the "Easter Earthquake", it feels like everyday there is another one shaking my sense of equilibrium. Sometimes the quakes are tiny and I am merely thrown off kilter for a second while other times I have to sit down to regain my balance.

What is constant is my unease at "transition time". After a beautiful weekend together, most times, I do feel a bit insecure, like when a mom leaves her child at the daycare. For the first hour or so, the child cries for her, aching and feeling all alone despite the caretaker's attempts to soothe her. When we part, I feel like that child. So, I know that some of what I feel is just the transition.

But this past week has been monumental. It was a staggering 8.0 on the Richter scale of relationships. Thank the gods that the infrastructure was solid to begin with but there was damage. Windows were broken, product fell into a heaping pile of chaos and it will take a while to clean everything up.

But HE is by my side, willing and able to clean it all up. We both still expect the aftershocks and possibly another "big one", but we are hopeful that we have seen the worst.

"It was never as bad as you thought," HE said to me. When he holds me in his arms, the shaking stops and I know it will all be alright.

Secrets. Truth and Reflection

Despite how well we think we may know someone, we never know someone completely. Secrets are easy for me to keep, especially if my true self is at risk of being found out. I don't know, I think that my self preservation began at a very young age, when my mother weilded her anger onto me if I told her something that she didn't like. She'd slap me across the face, restrict me, or somehow make me feel so low about myself. No one understood the meaning of "beaten into submission" as well as I. So, over time, my self drifted to the background and withered into a creature of the night, so to speak. The person I became, to others, was not who I really was.

The person that I truly am is curious, adventurous, open to fantasy and darkness, experimentation and new experiences. With him, it was easier to be more of who I was than it had ever been before. But it is difficult to overcome self preservation for another.

I asked him, "What made you tell me the truth?" and his answer was, "I have been working in this direction for a long time." It was all I could do not to yell out "BULLSHIT" but I realize that that's my own insecurity creeping up on me again.

Telling another your secrets can be impossible. Keeping secrets is much easier. And in many ways it is easy to justify keeping them to yourself. Your life is your life...just because someone else is in it doesn't mean they deserve to know anything about you. You give what you choose to give.

This is what's difficult for me to trust. We both struggle with secrets and truth. Only I know how honest I have been with him. Only HE knows how honest HE has been with me. Does it matter if we love each other, respect each other, and protect the feelings of each other?

When you look into a mirror, no matter how much you may love or loathe the reflection, it is still your reflection. We are such reflections of each other.

Working Together

They say that a difficult experience can either bring a relationship closer together or tear it apart. It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized how apart my relationship was despite my hopeful wishes, fond memories and desperate attempts to get it back on track.

I called her. I told him I wouldn't but the urge to save my self was greater than sparing him a little embarrassment. I pretended I was someone else. I told her that I thought we were dating the same man and if that was the case I wanted out. She told me she had been dating him for a long time and that yes, she was the only one. As I questioned her and asked her to push through this unease she felt, "I'm feeling very uncomfortable," she squeaked in her mousy, submissive voice. I realized how much information a person is willing to give up, even to a stranger. I told her nothing about me. I told her that once she answered all my questions I'd answer hers. I lied to her as well. When I hung up, I actually felt sorry for her. I felt sorry that she had quite possibly dedicated the majority of her womanhood to a fantasy that was as empty as the glass that sat in front of me.

Immediately I confronted him about the situation. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny, deny...then....a shred of truth. As soon as HE slowly turned on his very rusty faucet of truth, it flowed. HE let me in. HE told me of this burden HE'd been carrying on for 22 years. 22 years! HE told me how sorry HE felt for her; how pitiful she was and how incredibly unhappy it had made him the whole time..."but she wouldn't go away" HE said. I believed him.

But HE had to end it. Not for me, it had nothing to do with me. HE had to end it to be happy himself and to make a better partner to me. Indirectly, HE had to push beyond his niceness, his compassion, his desire to save her, in order to set himself free.

I felt empowered that no matter what HE would do, at least I was true to myself. For once. Fuck! Finally, I was true to myself. I finally had put myself before him. It felt so good.

HE called me late and said that HE'd done it. HE felt confident that this horrible situation had been dealt with once and for all. I could hear a calmness and a lightness in his voice. I was truly happy for him. I am truly happy for him.

There is much to discuss still. There are some things to work out. But this has brought us closer and I am so proud of us!

Thought Overload

I have been sitting here for 30 minutes now and I really can't write. I have too much to say and too much energy to put it into a cohesive entry. I am surprised at myself and I am pleasantly surprised at how optimistic I am considering the last 8 years of my relationship has held so many secrets. But I jumped. I jumped in with both feet and I said I'd take a risk. I feel good about that.

I am very worried for him right now.

Once Upon a Time...

Yesterday was both the worst and best day of my life. Today I feel like I"m floating and like the whole world belongs to me. HE came clean with me....totally, and I totally accept him for who HE is. Now, the real fairytale can begin.

Love is Letting Go

One of my favorite songwriters said that love is letting go. Until this moment in my life I never understood this concept. I am an only child...very selfish, indulgent, giving but only if it pleases me. Most of the time, despite my self image of being evolved and compassionate, I really do live as if it's all about me.

I've probably been angry my whole life. My mom was overprotective and abusive. She was a teen mom. My dad was a young man aching to sew his seed with every woman in sight when he found out my mom was pregnant. With such a tumultuous relationship, it's no wonder that I was left feeling unloved, dismissed and emotionally abandoned. My mom was always worried about my dad's indiscretions and my dad was burdened by having to raise a family while still growing up himself.

There was much anger in my childhood. Holes were punched in walls, glasses were broken and the screaming, oh, the screaming. My parents always bought homes where my bedroom was across the house from them. It was probably because they thought the screaming wouldn't reach me, but they were wrong. If I had siblings, maybe I'd have had something else to concentrate on, some other distraction other than all that anger and stress.

Children are made to be seen and not heard....my parents believed. I would get slapped in the face by my mom if I "talked back" to her. Talking back was pretty much voicing an opinion about anything. To my dad, everything was a joke. I have probably only had a handful of serious conversations with my dad my whole life and none of them have been about our emotionally distant relationship.

With all that anger and resentment and nowhere to put it, it's no wonder my life was filled with secrets. Instead of expressing my feelings to my partner, I'd leave, or cheat or cheat and then leave. I would always get the last word, so to speak. The yelling started only after my marriage. I had never yelled in a relationship prior to that point in my life. But, as in my childhood, the yelling was a natural progression. It was born of stress and no tools to deal with it. It never solved anything and over time, it became easier and more violent until I became divorced.

When I met him, I felt like I had been saved. A true Knight in shining armor. My anger and resentment seemed to have disappeared. Normal stressors were so minor because I was so happy all the time. I just felt high....I felt drunk with the thought of him (another lyric from Sheryl) and I loved it.

But I see now what all that pent up anger and resentment does to a person. It slowly poisons and eventually creeps into even the best of relationships. It causes complaining and mistrust and disrespect and bullying and snooping and general unhappiness. It also causes mad resentment and actions of revenge. This past weekend HE told me that my posts sounded angry.

"If I were reading them as a third party I'd think, man that chick is really angry with him," HE said to me candidly. "Really?" I replied surprised. And that's when it hit me...even if I believed that the anger and resentment were gone, they weren't. It was all still there, lying, perhaps, dormant until the relationship became stressful or different, or if HE didn't indulge my selfishness as much as "usual".

I thought that when I wrote about our relationship it was filled with love, honor and respect. I thought that I was truly telling the fairytale of "us". Love is letting go......let it all go.

I do love him. It won't work as long as I'm broken. I have to let go of the anger I feel for my parents. For all those times I was slapped, spanked, disappointed, tricked, abandoned.....I have to let it all go and realize that none of it was my fault. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I have to stop playing the victim. There is nobody to punish me any longer except for me. Yes, it's comfortable to have to dig my way out of the catacombs of "trouble" but it's such an energy-sucking, fucked up way to live. They did the best they could and they love me. Get over it already.

If I can let it all go, I will be happier and in direct relation, so will "we". Everyday is a winding road.