"Practicing love often means feeling through fear: intentionally
opening yourself when you would rather close down, giving yourself
when you would rather hide. Love means recognizing yourself as the
open fullness of this moment regardless of its contents -- trenchant
thoughts, enchanting pleasures, heavy emotions, or gnawing pains --
and surrendering all hold on the familiar act you call 'me'."
~ David Deida
When my fears creep up my first instinct is to call him, confide in him, ask for reassurance and then move on. I don't think this plan is completely wrong because it is my honest response to my fear, whether my fear is realized or imagined. It is me, unfiltered, confiding in my partner. But what happens when I do this is it puts stress on him and HE moves away from me. It doesn't bring us closer; it separates us. This is confusing to me because it is the exact opposite of what I want at the time. My dilemma is then, do I filter to make him happy and suppress my true feelings or do I respond how I respond because it's honest?
This quote suggests that love is actually the practice of feeling fear as it happens, not retreating from it but realizing that maybe being in the moment will turn out better than running away from it. It also suggests to me that keeping yourself open at all times, even if that means you feel like salt and lemon juice are being poured into the open wound just suck it up cuz eventually the pain will pass. And, if you just suck it up and don't complain too much, the people around you will feel loved and you will get love in return.
So, I guess honesty is not the best policy. Love means giving. Giving means being selfless. Being selfless means not complaining about what you are not getting. Filtering is good. Me.....is ever changing.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
In The Closet
New Years' Resolutions are not my style. They are just smack talk that helps us transition from one year to the next because for what ever reason, we think we suck somewhere after Christmas and before "the new year".
So, today, as I cleaned and organized my bedroom, I ventured into my closet. Holy shit at all the decades worth of fashion (or lack thereof) I found in there. Shoes, clothes, accessories, files, you name it, it was in there. And, as I cleaned I began wondering about the phrase, "in the closet".
What was in my closet was a lot of who I was, who I am and who I eventually want to be again. I decided to keep only what I currently wore or used while piling up the rest to place in storage. And I got motivated. I found pieces of myself that I had forgotten existed. And I liked those feelings. I felt like I had much more control over what I do and how I do it than I had felt in a long time.
Hiding inside myself is where I've been for a while now. It's time to come out. It's time to remember who I am and what makes me happy...independent of anyone else in the world. My daughter told me the other day, "If you had to choose between taking a joke or dying, you would die." She implied and said out loud that I was, basically, no fun. But folding up those close and shoes and accessories told a completely different story. I am fun.
Maybe I've been too serious lately because there have been some curve balls thrown in my direction and I have been sad and feeling helpless and hopeless. Maybe I have been waiting for my partner to help me. But I don't need it. I really don't. I can manage. I can do this. I can get back to myself and I can be happy with or without what my heart truly wants.
Some of my best attributes have been hiding in the closet for a long time but they have been retrieved from the back, cluttered between the winter coats and the long ago short, sassy skirts. They are shined up and placed on the most accessible shelf. It's only a matter of time before I wear them out on the town.
So, today, as I cleaned and organized my bedroom, I ventured into my closet. Holy shit at all the decades worth of fashion (or lack thereof) I found in there. Shoes, clothes, accessories, files, you name it, it was in there. And, as I cleaned I began wondering about the phrase, "in the closet".
What was in my closet was a lot of who I was, who I am and who I eventually want to be again. I decided to keep only what I currently wore or used while piling up the rest to place in storage. And I got motivated. I found pieces of myself that I had forgotten existed. And I liked those feelings. I felt like I had much more control over what I do and how I do it than I had felt in a long time.
Hiding inside myself is where I've been for a while now. It's time to come out. It's time to remember who I am and what makes me happy...independent of anyone else in the world. My daughter told me the other day, "If you had to choose between taking a joke or dying, you would die." She implied and said out loud that I was, basically, no fun. But folding up those close and shoes and accessories told a completely different story. I am fun.
Maybe I've been too serious lately because there have been some curve balls thrown in my direction and I have been sad and feeling helpless and hopeless. Maybe I have been waiting for my partner to help me. But I don't need it. I really don't. I can manage. I can do this. I can get back to myself and I can be happy with or without what my heart truly wants.
Some of my best attributes have been hiding in the closet for a long time but they have been retrieved from the back, cluttered between the winter coats and the long ago short, sassy skirts. They are shined up and placed on the most accessible shelf. It's only a matter of time before I wear them out on the town.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Fear
I read a quote that resonated with me. It's from The Little Book of Courage.
At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you.
Susan Jeffers, PH.D.
True for me! The chapter, called Know You Can Cope, talks about naming your fears and perceiving the fear versus the coping mechanism that we think we don't have. In other words, just fake it 'til you make it. Have confidence in yourself and your abilities even if you don't feel like you can cope with what life has to offer you.
I decided to make a list of all my fears that I could think of. I chuckle a bit as I review this list. I know some of these fears are unrealistic. I also know that some of these fears are very serious even though I have no experience in my history that has helped create them. But, here they are, for your entertainment as well as for my reflection:
In no particular order:
1. Being trapped in a car
2. Falling off a cliff in a car
3. Rolling over in a car
4. Losing a child prematurely
5. Heights (with no guard or hand rail)
6. Snakes
7. Losing the man I love forever
8. Rolling over in water in a car
9. Unfamiliar situations, especially involving people
10. Not being good enough
11. Getting old and fat and ugly
And of course there are the fears of, say, trying anything dangerous...but I didn't really count them because I don't try dangerous sports or activities on a regular basis....
When I look these over, they don't seem all that severe...except #s 4, 7 and 10. They make me cry every time I look or think about them. But the rest seem kind of silly in a way.
A few famous men said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." This is the time in my life where I'm crawling out from under the covers to stare fear in the face and say, "Fuck off fear...this is my life and there's no place for you in it." More to come.
At the bottom of every one of your fears is simply the fear that you can't handle whatever life may bring you.
Susan Jeffers, PH.D.
True for me! The chapter, called Know You Can Cope, talks about naming your fears and perceiving the fear versus the coping mechanism that we think we don't have. In other words, just fake it 'til you make it. Have confidence in yourself and your abilities even if you don't feel like you can cope with what life has to offer you.
I decided to make a list of all my fears that I could think of. I chuckle a bit as I review this list. I know some of these fears are unrealistic. I also know that some of these fears are very serious even though I have no experience in my history that has helped create them. But, here they are, for your entertainment as well as for my reflection:
In no particular order:
1. Being trapped in a car
2. Falling off a cliff in a car
3. Rolling over in a car
4. Losing a child prematurely
5. Heights (with no guard or hand rail)
6. Snakes
7. Losing the man I love forever
8. Rolling over in water in a car
9. Unfamiliar situations, especially involving people
10. Not being good enough
11. Getting old and fat and ugly
And of course there are the fears of, say, trying anything dangerous...but I didn't really count them because I don't try dangerous sports or activities on a regular basis....
When I look these over, they don't seem all that severe...except #s 4, 7 and 10. They make me cry every time I look or think about them. But the rest seem kind of silly in a way.
A few famous men said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." This is the time in my life where I'm crawling out from under the covers to stare fear in the face and say, "Fuck off fear...this is my life and there's no place for you in it." More to come.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Making it Easy
"God doesn't give you more than you can handle," is what I've always heard. For me, I change it into "The Universe" or "The Forces" because I'm not a religious person. I do believe this to be true. Contemplating this saying yesterday made me realize that I have been given exactly what it is I need. I have not been given more than I can handle and maybe my focus has been on the wrong things!
My Love is the man of my dreams. Deep down I know this. Deep down I think HE feels the same way. But...trying to figure him out or figure out our situation has proven to be fruitless. There is no figuring out a person who doesn't want to be figured out. Just when I think I know what his intentions are or what HE feels, HE'll do something to throw me off kilter. HE has his own issues to deal with. HE doesn't want me to be deeply involved in them. HE would like it if I trusted him more, even on the issues that drive us both crazy.
I didn't think I could do this for fear......yep, that's the whole thought...for fear.
So yesterday, pondering away, I realized that I am making things difficult for myself. HE is trying to make it easy for me. The Universe has been trying to tell me something but I've been ignoring it. Ok, here is my big revelation:
I am not supposed to spend so much time on him, love, other boys, figuring out if I should have affairs with others, etc.....
Opportunities have presented themselves to me. There are so many things I've been called to do yet I still contemplate sex, love and pairing up all the time! It is exhausting.
I have total control of myself, my actions, my life. Take it as it comes. Enjoy. Live. Laugh. Love. (ok, cheesy yes, but so true). Today is yet another new day and another chance to love who I am, who I'm with and what I do. So, I'm off... to do those things.
My Love is the man of my dreams. Deep down I know this. Deep down I think HE feels the same way. But...trying to figure him out or figure out our situation has proven to be fruitless. There is no figuring out a person who doesn't want to be figured out. Just when I think I know what his intentions are or what HE feels, HE'll do something to throw me off kilter. HE has his own issues to deal with. HE doesn't want me to be deeply involved in them. HE would like it if I trusted him more, even on the issues that drive us both crazy.
I didn't think I could do this for fear......yep, that's the whole thought...for fear.
So yesterday, pondering away, I realized that I am making things difficult for myself. HE is trying to make it easy for me. The Universe has been trying to tell me something but I've been ignoring it. Ok, here is my big revelation:
I am not supposed to spend so much time on him, love, other boys, figuring out if I should have affairs with others, etc.....
Opportunities have presented themselves to me. There are so many things I've been called to do yet I still contemplate sex, love and pairing up all the time! It is exhausting.
I have total control of myself, my actions, my life. Take it as it comes. Enjoy. Live. Laugh. Love. (ok, cheesy yes, but so true). Today is yet another new day and another chance to love who I am, who I'm with and what I do. So, I'm off... to do those things.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Pillows and Candles
HE lit the three candles that sat side by side in a wooden bowl. HE threw the pillow on the ground and said, "I want you to blow me while you are in your dress and on your knees,". I told him this was a fantasy of mine. We see it in porn all the time and it's just so sexy.
I could feel the wetness leaking onto my panties as HE took down his trousers. I knelt as requested and took his hips in my hands as I brought my face closer to his package as I took in the view, the scent and the thought of what was to come.
My mouth watered as I opened my lips and took the head of his cock inside. Slowly I took more into my mouth and stroked the shaft simultaneously. I could feel him grow as I sucked. HE moaned and his ass flexed as He thrust in and out of my mouth. HE played with my coifs and assisted my movement as HE pumped a little faster.
Abruptly HE pulled away and helped me onto the bed where he stripped me slowly, kissed every inch of me and took me until the wee hours of the morning.
I could feel the wetness leaking onto my panties as HE took down his trousers. I knelt as requested and took his hips in my hands as I brought my face closer to his package as I took in the view, the scent and the thought of what was to come.
My mouth watered as I opened my lips and took the head of his cock inside. Slowly I took more into my mouth and stroked the shaft simultaneously. I could feel him grow as I sucked. HE moaned and his ass flexed as He thrust in and out of my mouth. HE played with my coifs and assisted my movement as HE pumped a little faster.
Abruptly HE pulled away and helped me onto the bed where he stripped me slowly, kissed every inch of me and took me until the wee hours of the morning.
The Fairytale
Things are changing. It's a feeling that is not unfamiliar. There is a tightness that seems unbreakable. It's a wedge that sits between us and won't go away. It's my fault. I have obsessive thoughts. I have to poke at, pick at, push, shake, and kick and scream until I understand everything. It's a flaw. And it's an attempt to control something that cannot be controlled.
I am single handedly fucking everything up. My actions are textbook mistakes. The constant asking questions, shot gunning questions, obsessive thoughts, insecurity showing through like a beacon in the night...ugh!
And if I don't change my actions and soon, it may be too late. I can already tell that it's more and more a struggle for him to be with me. I can do it; I know I can change, but it takes time. And I'm not sure how much longer I have.....with all of this. It's been almost four years of constant stress for me.
We have fun but it's getting to be closer to 50/50 fun to not so much. Gotta shift that number so that it's more fun again. It's still there....which makes my heart smile.
I am single handedly fucking everything up. My actions are textbook mistakes. The constant asking questions, shot gunning questions, obsessive thoughts, insecurity showing through like a beacon in the night...ugh!
And if I don't change my actions and soon, it may be too late. I can already tell that it's more and more a struggle for him to be with me. I can do it; I know I can change, but it takes time. And I'm not sure how much longer I have.....with all of this. It's been almost four years of constant stress for me.
We have fun but it's getting to be closer to 50/50 fun to not so much. Gotta shift that number so that it's more fun again. It's still there....which makes my heart smile.
Feeling Loved
Does a person feel loved because their partner shows them love or do they feel loved because their frame of mind is such that they allow it in?
Fetching a glass of water because HE knows I need it for a headache, stroking my hair and kissing my head for no apparent reason, telling me how sexy HE thinks I am, smiling at me with warmth and desire, holding my hand and stroking my fingers with his...these gestures make me feel loved.
We do argue over this issue. HE says HE loves me everyday, no matter what. I wait to see if I believe him. I use his indiscretions as proof that maybe HE doesn't really love me. But my thinking could be flawed. I could be seeing things all wrong because I think the whole World and all its activities are because of me. It doesn't really compute that maybe when HE is terse, or angry, or stressed, that it has nothing to do with me. That maybe HE doesn't think of me 24/7. (That makes me feel unloved.)
It's an attitude adjustment I need, according to all my recent reading. Insecurity can make a healthy relationship get stale real fast....so I'd better remember that I'm the shit and even if HE's having a bad day, or wants to spend a little bit of time with someone else once in a while, or just doesn't want to be with me for a little bit, that it's all ok. His love isn't dependent on anyone else, or any thing.
If my attitude is that of confidence and security, then I will feel loved even if HE is far away.
Fetching a glass of water because HE knows I need it for a headache, stroking my hair and kissing my head for no apparent reason, telling me how sexy HE thinks I am, smiling at me with warmth and desire, holding my hand and stroking my fingers with his...these gestures make me feel loved.
We do argue over this issue. HE says HE loves me everyday, no matter what. I wait to see if I believe him. I use his indiscretions as proof that maybe HE doesn't really love me. But my thinking could be flawed. I could be seeing things all wrong because I think the whole World and all its activities are because of me. It doesn't really compute that maybe when HE is terse, or angry, or stressed, that it has nothing to do with me. That maybe HE doesn't think of me 24/7. (That makes me feel unloved.)
It's an attitude adjustment I need, according to all my recent reading. Insecurity can make a healthy relationship get stale real fast....so I'd better remember that I'm the shit and even if HE's having a bad day, or wants to spend a little bit of time with someone else once in a while, or just doesn't want to be with me for a little bit, that it's all ok. His love isn't dependent on anyone else, or any thing.
If my attitude is that of confidence and security, then I will feel loved even if HE is far away.
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