Trust and Reality

On Howard Stern today, he held the long awaited Tiger Wood's Mistress Beauty Pagent . What was interesting to me were the views of the women. One truly believed that she was the "only one", well, ok, except for Elin Nordegren Woods, the wife.

One claimed she didn't know about the wife while the others did but obviously didn't let that stop them from having their fun and, in one case, making money. What intrigues me the most, though, is this question. What is real in a relationship? Could Tiger be all of these things to all of these women while still loving his wife? Did he mean to hurt anyone or was he trying to take care of himself so that he could be a better husband, father, golfer, celebrity, fill in the blank.

HE (my HE) and I have discussed, ad nauseam, the idea that nothing is real. Perception is reality, yes, but many ideas that are held sacred in a relationship are simply not real.

When we are together, our experiences are real. I am the only one to him and HE is the only one to me. When we're not together, even if one of us decided to cheat, it would have nothing to do with the other. It doesn't negate all that we have; it is simply a different facet of who we are as individuals, not as a couple.

Enter my ego: while I understand the concept intellectually, I don't believe it, emotionally.

I have slept with a married man. I had a three year affair with him. The wife was not a huge part of how I made my decisions but I did feel a small amount of guilt for distracting him. I needed what I needed. I didn't purposefully seek out a married man but then again, I'm sure somewhere in my psyche I realized that if I had something to lose, then so should he. Maybe everything is intentional and we do things selfishly no matter what our intentions. But then again maybe we all are just trying to survive the best way we know how and no matter how much judgment we place on any one act, we're all wrong about the things we judge. Live and let live, yes?

So, in my current relationship, we have agreed that our relationship will be monogamous. Do we trust each other completely? Do I think I am the only one? Does he think he's the only one? No. No. and Hell no. But do I hope deep down inside that I am the only one and that in the ten years we've been together he's never once strayed. Hell yes! And no matter how much I tell him he's the only one, he won't allow himself to believe it.

Trust and reality are just as much the same as they are separate ideas. If you believe you are the only one and you have a wonderful relationship, then you are and it is... even if your relationship doesn't fit inside the neat little box our society has created for it. If you believe that you are not the only one and your relationship is not wonderful, then you are not and it is not. Your partner cannot, under any circumstances, make you believe one way or the other. It is impossible.

I loved this quote. I don't remember who wrote it or if it was an anonymous one. It goes like this:

Trust is believing your partner is present in your life. Not only physically but emotionally. Trust is knowing you have a partner through thick and thin. A person has to be able to allow themselves to be vulnerable. Trust is knowing you will be accepted.

When I look at the meaning of this quote, it does NOT mean to me that a partner will never cheat, lie, or hurt you. If I use this quote to define my trust in my partner, then I have it....most of the time; 99%.

Typically trust in a relationship is equated with the success of a relationship. It is also highly regarded as a measurement of love. Ask anyone this question: If two people cannot trust each other with, say, fidelity issues, do they have a solid relationship? I would argue that the answer could be yes.

Can one not love more than one person? Does a mother not love both of her children? Does the cat lady not love all 12 of her cats? Is it not possible to have two friendships, completely independent of each other while both of them are just as important? Love is not finite. Neither is lust. Neither is desire or will or selfishness...or trust. We cannot harness anyone or any emotion. People need what people need.

Sometimes what we need isn't good for others. Sometimes we hurt others. Sometimes we cannot trust our partners, or ourselves. Everyone is the same. There is no one immune to cheating. There is a part in the The Kite Runner that talks about stealing being the only crime...that every crime can be categorized as stealing. The author gives the example of lying. Lying is merely stealing a man's right to the truth.
The concept rang true for me.

Be kind to one another. Love each other. Control yourself for it is only yourself you truly have control over. Feel good about your choices. Feel good about others. Only you can determine your level of trust in others and your reality.