It's All About Me

Relationships are sometimes hard. Love is sometimes elusive. Partners are sometimes not as present as one would like. All of these ideas are difficult for an emotionally vulnerable and sometimes needy one like me. How many times does HE have to say "I love you" before I believe that HE'S not blowing smoke? How often do I need to hear some confirmation that our love is still alive?

Shit. It pisses me off. Maybe I'm not busy enough so I obssess about the relationship too much. My past have left me always looking for ways to be disappointed and tricked. Taking someone or something at face value is virtually impossible for me. I do overcomplicate EVERYTHING.

We fought. HE accused me of treating HIM like a "piece of furniture". HE said that I get mad at him as if he were "every man who ever disappointed (me)". HE laid in bed, naked, in the early morning, taking my harsh words and accusations and meanness. I told him he would rather cuddle up with the dog instead of me.

I sat naked in his chair freezing my ass off and aching for him to say, "Honey, c'mon back to bed," then envelope me in his warmth. I longed for him to calm me down, make me feel better. But, his wisdom overrides my irrational behavior. He cannot make me feel better. He can't make all of this go away. Only I can do this.

I sobbed. HE was patient. I fear I'm driving him away. He has no fear.