Jesse James and Me

These days, when I read about infidelity in relationships I get knots in the pit of my stomach. It hits very close to home for me now that I understand the consequences of what cheating will do to a relationship. Hearing and seeing all these stories about it leaves me feeling helpless and stuck. Jesse James and Sandra Bullock top the list of the most recent famous couple stuck in the middle of scandal.

The tabloid "journalists" grin from ear to ear while they convey their plastic unhappiness about Jesse, the obvious bad boy, "...why just look at all those tattoos and what he does for a living, he's lucky to have Sandy" ...as they judge something so ridiculous! (To what level has our society stooped and for gossip?) Some of these folks are even asking what you think about it. They are asking you to vote on whether or not you think Sandy should stay with him or leave. Ugh. It's bullshit at its finest and we are right in there with 'em... rubbernecking, watching the train wreck from start to finish.

But the heaviness I feel in my heart comes from past years of doing, questioning and just all out not knowing for sure if this is going on in my relationship. How can one be really sure? And why do we care so much? Why do I care so much? Is it not enough that we love each other, respect each other and have fun together? Apparently, some days, the answer is no.

Last night I was looking through a bunch of old pictures and thinking back on the moment then I realized, what if, at that very moment in the photo, I was under the impression that we truly were monogamous but HE was secretly fucking some swastika wearing, tattoo-faced stripper? What if I, for all of these years, was not the only, but one of 13 mistresses HE was carrying on with like Tiger? What does Sandra think about when she thinks back on where she was when she was filming the most highly acclaimed movie of her career? Does she wonder where he was fucking her and how often and was it like when they fucked?

It is utterly heart wrenching. When we discuss issues of infidelity, HE says that I just shouldn't give so much thought to something like that, nor should I worry unnecessarily. HE says that there are more important things to share with each other than to discuss ad nauseum what if we were doing something to hurt each other. HE says that it is more likely me that would fall in love with someone else and leave him from having an affair.

I was a cheater. I understand better than anyone what cheaters say both when she is lying and when she is telling the truth. I can drive myself crazy with the what ifs. All I can do is live my life just as I wish to live it. You get what you give. Karma is a bitch. Jesse and me, well, we've never met but I don't judge him. Only he can figure out what is the true path to happiness for him.

For me, and my Love, only I can make myself a better partner, if that's what I choose to be, and I have to believe in him to do that same because that's what he chooses for him, and for us.