Ice Melts at Room Temperature

HE will never know how much HE affects me. And true to everything I have ever read about "his type", just when you think his practicalities have completely taken over, his romantic side shines through and my heart melts all over again.

All the World is a Stage

I'm watching American Idol tonight. Usher was the guest tonight and as her was coaching one of the contestants he said, "Honesty is what the audience appreciates." I know what he's talking about in music. There's that moment, when you connect with the song and your performance connects with the audience and you feel a bit naked but then, when the accolades are tossed in your direction you see that being honest wasn't so hard after all and in fact it encourages you to be more honest next time you perform.

I remember when we first began dating. HE encouraged me to be honest about who I was and what I had experienced in my life. HE didn't say, "Hey, I encourage you to be honest..." but HE did in how he treated me and communicated with me. HE'd give me a piece of himself and I wouldn't think bad of him so I gave him a piece of me...and HE accepted me too. So the more encouragement I felt, the more honest I became....to a point.

My past had never encouraged honesty. I learned how to hide within myself in order to protect my dreams, my actions, and most of all, my dignity. I was never taken seriously as an individual until I met him. Seriously. It sounds weird and untrue but it is absolutely the thing that scared me most about him. HE took me seriously and I knew HE was the real deal.

The night I mustered the courage to tell him a "deep dark secret" we were in the middle of dinner at a Louisiana style restaurant. We sat across from each other and it was there that I told him of a one night stand where I not only cheated on my husband, but also on my boyfriend! I kinda see the humor in that whole scene now but I have never told anyone about that time in my life and at that time, I thought that was the worst thing anyone could have done. It was definitely a low point in that I wasn't very nice or loyal to the ones who loved me. But HE looked into my eyes and said, "That's ok..." and then we talked about how I was learning about life and myself. I cried. HE kinda chuckled.

There have been many moments where we have connected with each other in honesty and it always feels really good and in many ways surprising. It is one of the only times where vulnerability actually feels like it's the right emotion.

Honesty is difficult for me. I think at one point it was for him too. But HE gets me. HE understands that when I get scared my instinct is to hide. And through it all, HE still accepts me and HE still encourages me to be honest...and that's better than any standing ovation!

When It Is Enough

Last week was his "hell week". Lots going on and how in the world would HE remember to include me was my ongoing thought. Just wait. Just be patient. Just stop with your only child complex thinking it is always about you... I would remind myself. But there it was....in the midst of his busy-ness I was included. I was at his side, not really doing much but I was just there and it hit me, this is enough. I don't want more. I am happy with just being in it all.

Sometimes I think HE thinks that I want something wonderfully designed or something extraordinary. But I don't, not as much as HE thinks. I just want to be in it, and with him. HE allowed me to be in it this week. And when I'm in it, I need nothing more. I feel special. I have more to give. I feel a part of things...bonified! And that's a good place to be.

Long Day Late Night

All day I've been in a terrible mood because I wanted to see him and HE was too busy for me. Little did I know all I had to do was make myself available and ask him for it. HE is a good man. I love him with all my heart. I hope I don't drive him away.

Jesse James and Me

These days, when I read about infidelity in relationships I get knots in the pit of my stomach. It hits very close to home for me now that I understand the consequences of what cheating will do to a relationship. Hearing and seeing all these stories about it leaves me feeling helpless and stuck. Jesse James and Sandra Bullock top the list of the most recent famous couple stuck in the middle of scandal.

The tabloid "journalists" grin from ear to ear while they convey their plastic unhappiness about Jesse, the obvious bad boy, "...why just look at all those tattoos and what he does for a living, he's lucky to have Sandy" ...as they judge something so ridiculous! (To what level has our society stooped and for gossip?) Some of these folks are even asking what you think about it. They are asking you to vote on whether or not you think Sandy should stay with him or leave. Ugh. It's bullshit at its finest and we are right in there with 'em... rubbernecking, watching the train wreck from start to finish.

But the heaviness I feel in my heart comes from past years of doing, questioning and just all out not knowing for sure if this is going on in my relationship. How can one be really sure? And why do we care so much? Why do I care so much? Is it not enough that we love each other, respect each other and have fun together? Apparently, some days, the answer is no.

Last night I was looking through a bunch of old pictures and thinking back on the moment then I realized, what if, at that very moment in the photo, I was under the impression that we truly were monogamous but HE was secretly fucking some swastika wearing, tattoo-faced stripper? What if I, for all of these years, was not the only, but one of 13 mistresses HE was carrying on with like Tiger? What does Sandra think about when she thinks back on where she was when she was filming the most highly acclaimed movie of her career? Does she wonder where he was fucking her and how often and was it like when they fucked?

It is utterly heart wrenching. When we discuss issues of infidelity, HE says that I just shouldn't give so much thought to something like that, nor should I worry unnecessarily. HE says that there are more important things to share with each other than to discuss ad nauseum what if we were doing something to hurt each other. HE says that it is more likely me that would fall in love with someone else and leave him from having an affair.

I was a cheater. I understand better than anyone what cheaters say both when she is lying and when she is telling the truth. I can drive myself crazy with the what ifs. All I can do is live my life just as I wish to live it. You get what you give. Karma is a bitch. Jesse and me, well, we've never met but I don't judge him. Only he can figure out what is the true path to happiness for him.

For me, and my Love, only I can make myself a better partner, if that's what I choose to be, and I have to believe in him to do that same because that's what he chooses for him, and for us.

MonMouth: Mon does Miss Manners

MonMouth: Mon does Miss Manners

I really like this blog. Do you like mine?

Mardis Gras in March

This party wasn't as attended as the other ones. We were the best dressed couple by far. Most of the regulars had on boxers and beads, or a skirt and beads, and some, just beads. We were the only two that wore masks, the entire evening, but for me, a mask lowers my inhibitions so I chose to keep it on.

The "far off room" doesn't have fancy lighting, fancy beds, multiple anything and you get real close to the action if you choose to watch. The bed was taken with an older couple. She seemed nervous to me. Her face was buried into his neck and she, well, she just looked nervous. But there she lay, naked, skinny and tiny as any older woman I've ever seen. I think she must have been a runner. She had tan lines.

We discussed afterward if they were a couple or not. I think they were. I think HE agreed. The older man pleasured his partner with his fingers and mouth. They liked to be watched. They positioned themselves in good for watching angles. They had a serenity about them. The other couple was planted on the couch watching, studying, waiting. They seemed distant from each other but I think they too were a couple.

We walked away for a few minutes to see what else was going on and when we returned, the woman on the couch was now down to her skivvies and she was sucking the older man good and hard. We couldn't tell if he was grimacing because he was in pain or because he was trying not to come. She seemed eager to have his cock in her mouth. Eventually, the focus shifted from him to the first woman. She kissed the second woman and stroked her hair gently. She pulled her face into her chest as if to ask for her to kiss her small breasts. She did. The man removed himself from in between them and aided in their activities stroking their bodies the whole time. He was very attentive. The second woman went down on the first licking her pussy until she moaned. She slid her finger inside of her and then kissed her again. The man inserted his erection into her pussy while the second woman continued stroking her. They fucked until she came again.

All throughout these acts, everything seemed slow, seductive and very zen. The couple on the bed just seemed at peace with the whole world. It made me think that if we were to do this, you know, share, I could do it this way. But this couple was older. They had probably had enough time together to really learn everything about each other, to feel secure in their love and their sexuality both individually and together, and to know their relationship. They've probably had enough opportunities to show each other that they have one another's back. I don't think we are there yet. But I hope to be.....I really hope to be.

We were very worked up from watching all those couples fuck throughout the night. Watching it live is so much better than watching it on the internet. It is just real. It's real people doing what real people like to do...and some like to swippy-swap. It's a turn on no matter what.

I lit some candles and HE watched me. HE liked my outfit. I took his vest and beads off and hung my beads over his bare chest so that they just touched. I kissed his chest and took off his pants. HE touched my beads and my satin and my bare ass and my fishnets. HE likes the textures. So do I. HE slipped his finger in my pussy and with one motion rolled over so that HE was now on top. HE went down on me for a few minutes with my corset on. His tongue slipped through the crotchless panties I wore with ease. I was so wet already but I could feel a rush of juices as he slid it up and down. It took no time at all and I came with a fierce intensity. HE hovered over my body and as HE kissed me, he unhooked my corset with one hand. It was like unhooking twenty bras all at once. HE is talented.

HE grabbed my breasts and gave them a little squeeze and then his stiff cock entered me all at once. I gasped. We fucked for what seemed like hours. HE flipped me on top for a while and then it was back on top for him. We came together in a rush of passion. HE held me as I drifted off.

The next morning I saw all of our clothes and "flair" tossed about the room. This picture was taken from the morning after. Our mask and beads. Mardis Gras in March....not something I would have thought of but a fun night had by all.

Early Morning Alarm

It was clear HE was restless, not sleeping very well. I had just climbed back into bed after taking the dog out. My body was cold and HE opened the covers for me to get back in. HE spooned me. HE cuddled up closer than when he's sleeping. His arms wrapped around my neck and chest and HE tenderly caressed my arm. We settled back in but we were both awake.

HE reached his other hand down under the sheet and blankets to hold my girlie parts. HE does this. I don't know why HE does this but I understand it. But rather than fall back into a light slumber, HE slid his fore finger between my lips and moved it back and forth first slowly then a bit quicker. My clit awoke immediately and my girl hard on was full. HE added the middle finger and began making tiny circles. Every few seconds his fingers would slide down to my hole, enter, then move back up to continue pleasuring me.

His mouth enveloped part of my ear and I could hear his breathing. HE bit it ever so softly as if to get my attention. His fingers worked back and forth and around faster and harder, dipping deep into my pussy as if to tease me. HE held my arm with his other hand as if to say, "Don't move." I came for what felt like minutes, body jerking and flinching uncontrollably. When I was fully relaxed, and back in his arms, HE whispered in my ear, "Good morning baby."

Spring Fever

At the first sign of Spring something happens to me. I get so incredibly horny and all I want to do is skip work, grab my lover and head for any exotic locale. And fuck. All day; all night....just do it. Again and again and again. The urge is almost uncontrollable. Today was that day for me.

Thank the gods he likes to have sex with me as much as I do with him. Also thank the gods I get to have a midweek date night with him tomorrow. Hope he eats his Wheaties!

A Late Night Shower

The best memories are those made without prior planning. Like last night....I was in need of a shower. I love it when he joins me but it seems we've been in this weird phase where I ask him to join me and he rejects my requests. It's almost like it puts him on the spot or he is somehow self conscious, so, I stopped asking. Last night, he offered. I was pleased.

The moment the hot water touched my by body, goosebumps blanketed every inch of it. Instantaneously, every muscle relaxed from the day and I turned it hotter. I stood still allowing the water to rush down my back, down my legs, feet and into the drain. He knocked on the bathroom door lightly to warm me he was coming in.

I love his bathroom. I love it partly because I helped him remodel it, but mostly because it was the first project he took on where I got to see first hand how his mind works. HE is incredibly talented and intelligent. HE is spatially competent and his ideas about textures are similar to mine. HE loves the natural elements and his bathroom is a great example of wood and rock and smooth and rough.

HE disrobed and I watched. HE doesn't realize how incredibly sexy HE is and that makes him that much sexier. When he opened the glass door and stepped inside it was if a huge magnet pulled him to me. His body pressed up against mine and he kissed me long and hard. Those goosebumps reappeared all over again. His hands wandered and explored my body. HE grabbed my breasts and squeezed lightly while he kissed me again. Then HE slid his hands down my hips, to my ass, and pulled me closer. I could feel his full grown erection poking me in my stomach. Just as I reached my hand down to grab it, HE lifted my leg up to prop in on the bench. (I am so happy he decided to build a small bench in the shower. Not only is it wonderful for shaving, it is a great sex prop.)

I stood on my tippy toes, legs spread apart, and he entered me from the front. He pumped his hard cock inside of me until my breathing became shallow and quick. Just as I closed my eyes, he pulled out and turned me around. He bent me over. My hands rested on the bench covered in river pebbles. Three walls of the shower are covered in black, white, brown, gold and marbled pebbles surrounded with pewter colored grout. Slate colored granite covers the floor throughout the bathroom as well as in the shower. The water looks like a small stream flowing as it runs down the walls of the shower. As I studied the pebbles, felt them under the weight of my hands, he grabbed my hips and plunged his manhood deep inside of me.

The water made a slapping noise as his hips banged into my ass....like the sound made when stomping through a mud puddle. My tits jiggled and the lower half of my body tingled. Bang, bang, bang...HE knows how hard I like when HE's behind me. HE stops himself and turns me back around to face him.

HE sits me down on the bench. "Oh goodie," I think to myself. I get to blow him now. Wrong. HE wants to pleasure himself and HE wants me to watch. "Touch yourself," HE demands. I do. But as he stares at my chest, I grab my tits, hard nipples and all, and push them together as if to let him know I'm ready to receive what HE wants to give me. I reach around him and grab his ass. It is so tight and his hips are thrust forward as he strokes up and down, faster and faster. The head of his cock is rigid and red as HE breathes harder. I look up at his eyes and they are looking back at me. I stroke his balls and he moans. Faster and faster, I grab my tits again and move closer to him. HE is ready; I can tell.

HE explodes all over my chest as he continues stroking. His body jerks involuntarily from the intensity of the orgasm.

I stand up and we kiss again....long and hard. His eyes looked more relaxed and HE is ready for bed. I am fully awake now and ready for more.

Good night my sweet. Thanks for the late night shower.

100 Different Ways

Him: "I don't know what else to say; I've told you how I feel."
Me: "Well, can you tell me again? Maybe a different way this time."
Him: "No."
Me: "But, if you could just try, I might be able to understand."
Him: "I've already told you in a 100 different ways and you still don't get it. I can't enlighten you. Enlightenment will come when it comes."
Me: "Ok...but if you can figure out a way to tell me differently, I'd really appreciate it."

When we have this conversation it's usually related to a subject that is clear to him and not so much to me. HE is frustrated that I don't get it and I am frustrated that HE seems to give up on helping me to understand. But to be fair, it's not his job to make me "see".

I understand that you can't make another person see what you see. I also understand that people learn in different ways. For example, I am a visual person. If I can't see it, I can't understand it without repetition. HE can read it once, hear it once, see it once, and he gets it....really he does.

When I think about all the ways HE tells me HE loves me it isn't only in one way. HE tells me in a 100 different ways.

When HE looks into my eyes and the edges of his crinkle with what seem to be the beginnings of crows feet, HE says, "I love you." When HE reaches across the dinner table to take my hand in his...he says it. When HE strokes my hair while we're watching a movie, or kisses my temple while we're in a crowded room, HE tells me. When HE laughs with me when we're lazing about in bed, or when HE whispers in my ear...I feel his love.

There are so many ways to get a message across. I just want to know, to really know, that HE won't give up trying to meet me in the middle of understanding each other. I want to feel confident that even if we disagree, we will still try to be the best partner that we can be to each other.

When I flip the proverbial coin upside down, though, I see that maybe I understand his message only when my mind and heart are open. When I'm ready to receive the message, maybe only then will I. Maybe this is why HE says that HE can't tell me in a different way. Maybe HE realizes that HE has given me the 100 ways but I am not ready to receive it. HE sees that there's something in the way preventing me from really getting the message HE'S trying to send.

It is only when I reach the unconscious competence level of learning that I can truly understand and change. Most of the time I operate at a conscious incompetence level of understanding. I know what are my flaws and shortcomings, am committed to fixing it, see the benefits of fixing it, but can't yet practice the new behaviour all the time. Ok, well, I also operate at the unconscious incompetence level...who am I kidding! But I try...everyday.

HE sees that I do. I see him too, in 100 different ways.

Trust and Reality

On Howard Stern today, he held the long awaited Tiger Wood's Mistress Beauty Pagent . What was interesting to me were the views of the women. One truly believed that she was the "only one", well, ok, except for Elin Nordegren Woods, the wife.

One claimed she didn't know about the wife while the others did but obviously didn't let that stop them from having their fun and, in one case, making money. What intrigues me the most, though, is this question. What is real in a relationship? Could Tiger be all of these things to all of these women while still loving his wife? Did he mean to hurt anyone or was he trying to take care of himself so that he could be a better husband, father, golfer, celebrity, fill in the blank.

HE (my HE) and I have discussed, ad nauseam, the idea that nothing is real. Perception is reality, yes, but many ideas that are held sacred in a relationship are simply not real.

When we are together, our experiences are real. I am the only one to him and HE is the only one to me. When we're not together, even if one of us decided to cheat, it would have nothing to do with the other. It doesn't negate all that we have; it is simply a different facet of who we are as individuals, not as a couple.

Enter my ego: while I understand the concept intellectually, I don't believe it, emotionally.

I have slept with a married man. I had a three year affair with him. The wife was not a huge part of how I made my decisions but I did feel a small amount of guilt for distracting him. I needed what I needed. I didn't purposefully seek out a married man but then again, I'm sure somewhere in my psyche I realized that if I had something to lose, then so should he. Maybe everything is intentional and we do things selfishly no matter what our intentions. But then again maybe we all are just trying to survive the best way we know how and no matter how much judgment we place on any one act, we're all wrong about the things we judge. Live and let live, yes?

So, in my current relationship, we have agreed that our relationship will be monogamous. Do we trust each other completely? Do I think I am the only one? Does he think he's the only one? No. No. and Hell no. But do I hope deep down inside that I am the only one and that in the ten years we've been together he's never once strayed. Hell yes! And no matter how much I tell him he's the only one, he won't allow himself to believe it.

Trust and reality are just as much the same as they are separate ideas. If you believe you are the only one and you have a wonderful relationship, then you are and it is... even if your relationship doesn't fit inside the neat little box our society has created for it. If you believe that you are not the only one and your relationship is not wonderful, then you are not and it is not. Your partner cannot, under any circumstances, make you believe one way or the other. It is impossible.

I loved this quote. I don't remember who wrote it or if it was an anonymous one. It goes like this:

Trust is believing your partner is present in your life. Not only physically but emotionally. Trust is knowing you have a partner through thick and thin. A person has to be able to allow themselves to be vulnerable. Trust is knowing you will be accepted.

When I look at the meaning of this quote, it does NOT mean to me that a partner will never cheat, lie, or hurt you. If I use this quote to define my trust in my partner, then I have it....most of the time; 99%.

Typically trust in a relationship is equated with the success of a relationship. It is also highly regarded as a measurement of love. Ask anyone this question: If two people cannot trust each other with, say, fidelity issues, do they have a solid relationship? I would argue that the answer could be yes.

Can one not love more than one person? Does a mother not love both of her children? Does the cat lady not love all 12 of her cats? Is it not possible to have two friendships, completely independent of each other while both of them are just as important? Love is not finite. Neither is lust. Neither is desire or will or selfishness...or trust. We cannot harness anyone or any emotion. People need what people need.

Sometimes what we need isn't good for others. Sometimes we hurt others. Sometimes we cannot trust our partners, or ourselves. Everyone is the same. There is no one immune to cheating. There is a part in the The Kite Runner that talks about stealing being the only crime...that every crime can be categorized as stealing. The author gives the example of lying. Lying is merely stealing a man's right to the truth.
The concept rang true for me.

Be kind to one another. Love each other. Control yourself for it is only yourself you truly have control over. Feel good about your choices. Feel good about others. Only you can determine your level of trust in others and your reality.

Make Fine Dreams

Is it a habit or a tradition? A habit is an act that is formed, over time, that becomes part of a routine, part of everyday life. You don't really have to think about a habit. Brushing teeth, showering (well for some, LOL), smoking, feeding the critters, are all habits.

A tradition is also an act that becomes a habit but maybe not on the same interval as a habit. Going to the same restaurant every year for an anniversary, putting the same tree topper on the Christmas tree year after year, having the family gather for Sunday supper....all traditions.

To me, a habit is something that is required but maybe not enjoyable or anticipated. A tradition is enjoyable and anticipated and sometimes we take photos to memorialize the act.

Make fine dreams....a good night wish that HE gives to me. A tradition HE started years ago. HE know this makes me smile inside and out. I love our traditions no matter how small or silly or spread out or unconventional. They are ours. They make our relationship different from the other parts of our lives that are habitual, routine, chore driven. "Kisses" HE says. "Back" I say.

Good night my love. Make fine dreams.

Heckle and Jeckle

We are them. "No, you first," "No, I insist, you go first." HE gets so annoyed by it sometimes but HE gets annoyed because HE sees it in himself through me. I can't help it. My upbringing has forced me to consider everyone's feelings before mine so when plans change at a glance and he says, "Yes, please come over" and I say, "Are you sure you don't want a night alone?" HE asks me why I'm trying to trick him into saying no after HE has already said yes.

I can see how it might seem to him like I'm playing a game but it isn't a game to me. I am not trying to drive him crazy, create chaos, stir up trouble, etc... It's just that inner Magpie that keeps me thinking of his feelings first, and sometimes saying the opposite of what I truly want so that I appear thoughtful.

It's All About Me

Relationships are sometimes hard. Love is sometimes elusive. Partners are sometimes not as present as one would like. All of these ideas are difficult for an emotionally vulnerable and sometimes needy one like me. How many times does HE have to say "I love you" before I believe that HE'S not blowing smoke? How often do I need to hear some confirmation that our love is still alive?

Shit. It pisses me off. Maybe I'm not busy enough so I obssess about the relationship too much. My past have left me always looking for ways to be disappointed and tricked. Taking someone or something at face value is virtually impossible for me. I do overcomplicate EVERYTHING.

We fought. HE accused me of treating HIM like a "piece of furniture". HE said that I get mad at him as if he were "every man who ever disappointed (me)". HE laid in bed, naked, in the early morning, taking my harsh words and accusations and meanness. I told him he would rather cuddle up with the dog instead of me.

I sat naked in his chair freezing my ass off and aching for him to say, "Honey, c'mon back to bed," then envelope me in his warmth. I longed for him to calm me down, make me feel better. But, his wisdom overrides my irrational behavior. He cannot make me feel better. He can't make all of this go away. Only I can do this.

I sobbed. HE was patient. I fear I'm driving him away. He has no fear.