Souls and Hooking

This "new phase" I've entered with him excites me but less so than it scares me. If I take him out of the picture, this is what I know for myself. I can have relationships with people that are friendships or just sex with a little chatter on the side. I can have one night stands with strangers or I can play cat and mouse with a man until I get exactly what I want.

When his infidelity came to light and we began discussing having a more open relationship, to foster more honety, openness and ultimately, being who we are, naturally, I tended to focus on the fear more than the possibilities. Last night we registered a profile on a lifestyle website. It was fun and exciting and I felt partnered and loved as we came up with playful and enticing factoids and interests and descriptors. After we finished, however, it became much more real that we had started a journey on a different path.

Societal ideals are hard to penetrate. Many people do penetrate those ideals though, but most often, "normal people" live a secret life. Well, at least most normal people I hang around. As HE made love to me, fucking me harder than HE has in a while (ok, well last weekend HE did too, but hey, just being a bit dramatic here), I was thinking to myself, "I could see losing my soul and just becoming a hooker."

What we have is incredibly special but I can imagine that after a while, I might lose my sense of hope (hope for love, hope for future, hope for us to make it to the end together). I could imagine being so jaded that nothing phases me any longer. It makes me sad. I try really hard to see the fairytale, even though I try to be tough. I want the fairytale, so what does it mean if I'm not following the role of the princess in the fairytale? Then I think, well, whose fairytale am I following anyway?

In his perfect world, we are partners, we love, honor and respect each other, but we fuck other people, sometimes with each other, sometimes without, but at the end of the day, we stay together out of pure love. Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. And it doesn't sound soulless either. In fact, it sounds appealing in many ways.

Last night, HE yelled to me while I stepped out of the shower, "I have a box here....lube, beads, oh wow, this vibrator is really pretty, it's purple." I smiled, dried off and jumped into his bed. Candles lit, Brand New Heavies playing in the background, we made love with extra zest and extra playfulness. It was the fairytale and it was all mine. After the sex haze dissipated, my sense of the fairytale was renewed, and improved and my ability to try again was restored.