Supposedly, if I am tenacious and optimistic, I can get over all my fears surrounding, well, anything. My life has been filled with much fear since our relationship changed on that fateful Tuesday. I have good days and bad days but even on the good days, the fear sometimes overwhelms me. Based on "How to get over your fear(s) or phobia(s)" by mgonza12 on ehow.com, I am going to discuss my fears in relation to the steps given to get over them (I'm paraphrasing the steps published).
1. Discipline yourself to stop thinking ahead. HE told me that HE will be fucking the girl again, but HE has put it on hold for now. HE also told me that HE'd like to have girls that are friends, that HE "promises" HE won't fuck. Once such girl, HE reports, has contacted him (as I predicted she would) and has FB'd him.
If I were to follow the advice of this article, as soon as HE told me of his future plans, I would have immediately put the thoughts of these activities out of my head. Instead, I have pretty much been waiting day by day for him to tell me today is the day. For the girl that's a friend, I have been waiting for him to friend her back on FB. Well, today was that day.
Of course, perusing through her photos she looks like a care-free, adventure seeking, fun-loving, stress free woman. She seems somewhat intelligent. She's not bad looking. She has a cute body. And she doesn't look attached. Oh, and I feel sure she's into him. (I met her. I could tell.) I guess this means he emailed her back now too and they are currently making plans to get together for coffee...or maybe something else.
2. Get to know your fear. Take notes when it surfaces and write down what makes it better, worse, etc. What makes it worse is knowing that HE's lied to me for the past 8-10 years about having friends that HE fucks and friends that HE doesn't fuck and not knowing if HE will stop...the lying I mean. I'm not sure how to just get over that without going through a lot of questioning and testing and waiting and worrying.
3. Take small steps to conquer it. Try to get closer to it when you feel more confident and comfortable. I have actually tried this and sometimes it works. When I am feeling good, I talk to him about having a more open relationship. I ask him about his dalliances and ask him to speculate how all of this will work. I ask him about his condom use, his style with the other women, what HE wants with all these women, etc. Sometimes I end up feeling like running away like a greyhound chasing that unobtainable rabbit. Other times I get excited at the possibilities that I, too, can have dalliances with whomever I feel like.
4. Constantly take strides to conquer your fear. Don't stop because the status quo will gitcha. Well, ok, I guess I have to just talk about it all the time, say, "Have a wonderful time with all your new friends honey," when HE finally does share with me all the things HE claims HE will share with me.
Life is so unpredictable. I don't know what I'm scared of. If HE doesn't want me, why would I want him? I would want him to leave me if HE fell out of love or found someone better or was just over me. Maybe it's just a hellofa competitive side I have inside me that wants to win....or maybe, just maybe, I know what a special, unique, once-in-a-lifetime connection we have and don't want him to fuck it up.
Wish me luck on my journey to conquer fear. I can tell it isn't going to be easy or pretty. Hopefully, I'll come out of it with only a small bruise or two.
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