I Am A Scorekeeper

It was a bit hard for me to look him in the eyes and tell him that a boy, a really cute boy, showed some interest in me and wants to take me to lunch this week. HE is very cool and well, HE plays poker so his expressions are subtle. But I know him. I saw his face change when I told him that I didn't consider his feelings when I said "yes" to the boy.

I never want to hurt his feelings. Not to say that my past actions haven't, but it is not my intention to hurt his feelings. I love him. HE is the most important person in my life. I would do pretty much anything for him. But, I won't sit back and allow myself to forego cute boy attention if HE is really hell bent on fucking other people and having his own attention directed elsewhere, no matter how occasional. Yes, I am a scorekeeper.

More than keeping score, though, is how I build resentment. Every time HE goes away with someone, I will be angry. I will resent him. It might get so crazy that I end up doing something I will really regret. That's what happened a while ago. I won't go back to that place again. So, in order to keep my sanity, I have to not roll all my options up into him. I must diversify. HE did tell me a long time ago, "I can't be your everything." I think I know why now, but I really thought HE could be.

So, the boy and I will go to lunch, we will talk about common interests and who knows....that might be the end of it. Or, it might turn into a wonderful friendship. I do know that being honest was not as hard as I once thought it would be and I will be more relaxed at lunch because my partner loves and accepts me, good parts and not so good.

Maybe it will be a good lesson for me so that I can be a more supportive partner to him and all the pieces I find to be "not so good."