Some days there is a strong desire to go home to my partner and get that hug that I know can make me feel like I'm not alone in the world. And sometimes, even if nothing is said all night long, it would be nice to get cozy in our house, complete the evening chores, then fall asleep side by side.
And sometimes it would be nice to know that I could always go home to him...even if we were mad at each other, but to know that we were committed in that way too.
It is nice to still feel so drawn to him, even after all this time.
Hope you are having a wonderful night my love.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
Happy Veteran's Day
To everyone who has fought for our country, I say thank you. I will never really understand what it means but I understand that every family has probably had or has someone who has served in our military at one time or another.
My greatgrandfather was in WW1. I have his tags, which I wear on occasion. I have his diaries...one entry struck me...he wrote that while sitting under a tree, he opened a can of peaches and relished how amazing they tasted (he didn't use those words of course) but it was so simple yet something he wrote home about.
My father served in the Army only for a short time and never saw war. My uncle, his brother, served in VietNam. He was a helicopter gunner. His plane was shot down and he suffered loss of one eye, missing fingers and years of health issues.
Thank you for the jobs done to keep our country open for me to sit here and write about what I feel and not worry about who will edit me or whether or not I will be safe.
My greatgrandfather was in WW1. I have his tags, which I wear on occasion. I have his diaries...one entry struck me...he wrote that while sitting under a tree, he opened a can of peaches and relished how amazing they tasted (he didn't use those words of course) but it was so simple yet something he wrote home about.
My father served in the Army only for a short time and never saw war. My uncle, his brother, served in VietNam. He was a helicopter gunner. His plane was shot down and he suffered loss of one eye, missing fingers and years of health issues.
Thank you for the jobs done to keep our country open for me to sit here and write about what I feel and not worry about who will edit me or whether or not I will be safe.
Opinionated and Opinionaided
Sometimes thinking about it just convolutes the issues. I get it when he says he doesn't want to talk about anything and that he just wants to "enjoy me". I want to enjoy everything too! I do not come from a place of lightness, of playfulness, of letting things roll off my back like water off a duck's.
What I am learning, though, is to slow down, be more patient, and not take everything as if it will be my last chance at it. That sort of "all or nothing" attitude was learned, and now I'm unlearning it. If he wants to be mad at me, that's his stuff. I don't feel like I need to chase after him anymore. Either things will be good or they won't. But no matter what, I will be ok.
I have turned my attention to silly things, like the Opinionaided app, on my iphone. That makes me happy. It's silly, doesn't take a lot thought and ya know what, I am learning a ton about myself. I am funny, and lighthearted, and interesting and I give really good advice (as evidenced by my "Top advisor" status!) LOL
Today is a good day. Happy Friday.
What I am learning, though, is to slow down, be more patient, and not take everything as if it will be my last chance at it. That sort of "all or nothing" attitude was learned, and now I'm unlearning it. If he wants to be mad at me, that's his stuff. I don't feel like I need to chase after him anymore. Either things will be good or they won't. But no matter what, I will be ok.
I have turned my attention to silly things, like the Opinionaided app, on my iphone. That makes me happy. It's silly, doesn't take a lot thought and ya know what, I am learning a ton about myself. I am funny, and lighthearted, and interesting and I give really good advice (as evidenced by my "Top advisor" status!) LOL
Today is a good day. Happy Friday.
Moving Ahead
Wow, it's been since June that I've written...well, that's ok. A lot has changed since then. I'm growing. I'm letting the past rest there..where it should stay. And I'm learning to love and accept him and myself, for who we are.
That's a hard thing to do. But I am nicer to myself now. And I read a lot about zen habits, facing fears and being happy. All those things help.
We have reached sort of an equilibrium amongst the hurt feelings. But we both are still here and we are trying to move ahead. I can't make him want to tell the truth. I can't forget how much he has hurt me.
But we have something really special and it's worth all of this. I am happy today. And I am grateful for so much in Life. I am grateful that I have someone that loves me and comes back week after week even though he doesn't know if I'm going to accept him or hate him. I am healthy. I have a wonderful circle of friends.
That's a hard thing to do. But I am nicer to myself now. And I read a lot about zen habits, facing fears and being happy. All those things help.
We have reached sort of an equilibrium amongst the hurt feelings. But we both are still here and we are trying to move ahead. I can't make him want to tell the truth. I can't forget how much he has hurt me.
But we have something really special and it's worth all of this. I am happy today. And I am grateful for so much in Life. I am grateful that I have someone that loves me and comes back week after week even though he doesn't know if I'm going to accept him or hate him. I am healthy. I have a wonderful circle of friends.
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