This weekend, since nine years ago, has forever been labeled as a shitty weekend. Last year, we got into a motorcycle accident when some asshole made an illegal u-turn. Thank the Universe we were only doing 25mph! HE sustained a broken orbital bone, the part closest to the nose on his right side, and some hurt ribs. I sustained a little strawberry (first degree) on my elbow. HE was injured because I was on the back of the BMW tour bike. I still feel bad. I should have leaned way back, not held onto him tighter. They think his ribs were shoved into the handle bars. His sunglasses smashed into his face. The fucker that hit us, of course, had no insurance. Thousands of dollars later, the bike was fixed and his faced healed nicely.
A year before that, his dog died! The dog was 15 years old but still. It is like a family member leaves you. It was a sad day. HE remembers the day every year.
A few years before that, I cheated oh him. That was the "incident" that hexed this weekend forever in his mind.
This year, my Oma died. See post before this one.
This year, I'm determined to change the meaning of this weekend forever. We have had an amazing time together. We are reconnecting and bonding and feeling good about everything. I am relaxed, hopeful, and more in love with him than ever.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Light Blue
She came to me in my dream. Never before have I dreamed of her. No matter how worried, concerned, scared I was, I had never dreamed of her...before this night.
She walked around the white painted door frame and into the room I was in. Light blue surrounded her. I couldn't tell if she was wearing it but it encompassed her whole being except for her head and legs. Her face was smiling and her skin pale. Her legs had brought her to where she stood. Her hair had returned to the bright red orange I remember her wearing when I was a child.
"Oma, you are walking," I said. "You were just doing so poorly and here you are, walking," I noticed.
"I'm fine" she said as she wore that familiar, mischievous smile.
Then as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.
I woke up with that dream in my mind. I wondered if it meant anything.
The phone rang. Mom said she had died at 3am her time. The dream had meant something. "I dreamed of her last night," I shared.
Oma had died in her sleep, "peacefully" which translates, in America, as drugged out of her mind so she didn't feel anything!
Mom droned on about pointless details, which is always her way of "dealing with it". I told her I had to go, get ready for work. She was overly worried about me but that's how she is, has always been, and always will be. I don't get angry about it anymore. I just accept that she's overprotective even though I'm an adult now.
I broke down at work. I will never speak to her again. Hardly any work happened on Thursday, May 26, 2011, the day his dog, Seau, and my grandma died, but two years apart. Yup, nothing good ever happens on Memorial Day weekend.
Light blue....I kept thinking what that meant. Her favorite color was pink. They dressed her in pink, at my mom's request, so she could die looking pretty. I recounted the dream with my mom and she assured me that light blue was not what she died in.
Driving to lunch, with the sunroof open, I noticed how amazingly beautiful the day was. Hardly a cloud in the sky and the sky was.....so.....light blue! Light blue was all around me. Everywhere I looked, there it was. All day I saw the color and every time I saw it, I thought of her. That's what it meant! She is now, everywhere!
HE and I left for Palm Springs later that afternoon. I drove out of town with a serenity in my heart and mind. Light blue...how obvious....she is still with me.
She walked around the white painted door frame and into the room I was in. Light blue surrounded her. I couldn't tell if she was wearing it but it encompassed her whole being except for her head and legs. Her face was smiling and her skin pale. Her legs had brought her to where she stood. Her hair had returned to the bright red orange I remember her wearing when I was a child.
"Oma, you are walking," I said. "You were just doing so poorly and here you are, walking," I noticed.
"I'm fine" she said as she wore that familiar, mischievous smile.
Then as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.
I woke up with that dream in my mind. I wondered if it meant anything.
The phone rang. Mom said she had died at 3am her time. The dream had meant something. "I dreamed of her last night," I shared.
Oma had died in her sleep, "peacefully" which translates, in America, as drugged out of her mind so she didn't feel anything!
Mom droned on about pointless details, which is always her way of "dealing with it". I told her I had to go, get ready for work. She was overly worried about me but that's how she is, has always been, and always will be. I don't get angry about it anymore. I just accept that she's overprotective even though I'm an adult now.
I broke down at work. I will never speak to her again. Hardly any work happened on Thursday, May 26, 2011, the day his dog, Seau, and my grandma died, but two years apart. Yup, nothing good ever happens on Memorial Day weekend.
Light blue....I kept thinking what that meant. Her favorite color was pink. They dressed her in pink, at my mom's request, so she could die looking pretty. I recounted the dream with my mom and she assured me that light blue was not what she died in.
Driving to lunch, with the sunroof open, I noticed how amazingly beautiful the day was. Hardly a cloud in the sky and the sky was.....so.....light blue! Light blue was all around me. Everywhere I looked, there it was. All day I saw the color and every time I saw it, I thought of her. That's what it meant! She is now, everywhere!
HE and I left for Palm Springs later that afternoon. I drove out of town with a serenity in my heart and mind. Light blue...how obvious....she is still with me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend
My grandma is not responding. Her body functions are shutting down. It's as if her mind has moved on but her body is holding on. I wonder if she hears, feels anything at this point.
I broke down this morning. I wanted to see him. So, I asked if I could. HE said yes. When HE opened his door to me, my heart skipped a beat and the butterflies swirled around my stomach. HE was so guarded but HE hugged me, like HE used to hug me, long and tight and with both arms fully encompassing me. I was home.
We are going away this weekend. Memorial Day weekend has traditionally been a terrible weekend for us. Last year we got into a motorcycle accident. The year before, his dog died. Several years before that, I spent the night with another boy. HE holds onto all this negativity during this weekend as if HE expects the worst. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Of course it won't be different because this year, my grandma is expected to die. But maybe, we can find a way to rebuild our relationship and remember why we fell in love.
I broke down this morning. I wanted to see him. So, I asked if I could. HE said yes. When HE opened his door to me, my heart skipped a beat and the butterflies swirled around my stomach. HE was so guarded but HE hugged me, like HE used to hug me, long and tight and with both arms fully encompassing me. I was home.
We are going away this weekend. Memorial Day weekend has traditionally been a terrible weekend for us. Last year we got into a motorcycle accident. The year before, his dog died. Several years before that, I spent the night with another boy. HE holds onto all this negativity during this weekend as if HE expects the worst. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Of course it won't be different because this year, my grandma is expected to die. But maybe, we can find a way to rebuild our relationship and remember why we fell in love.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Pile It On
On top of my decade plus relationship being on pause right now, work is totally draining every ounce of energy I have left. If that wasn't enough, my grandma has slipped into a "comatose like state" because she is "transitioning" to death. Ugh! My heart and mind are so spent right now.
Why does the saying, "When it rains it pours" feel so true in my life right now. I have to think it's because this is a time in my life that I am being tested. "How much can she take?" the Universe asks as it laughs at me. I am feeling somewhat defeated yet somehow motivated to get my shit in order.
The last time I spoke to my grandma, who I call Oma, she said to me, "Don't wait until it's too late honey," in her deep Southern drawl. "I won't," I lied. It has been painful to see her. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving 2009. I just haven't been able to bring myself back to her as much as I love her and want to be by her side. She and I had a bond unlike any other.
I just got her. She lead a long, wild life that was way ahead of her time. She was a hairdresser by trade and party girl by hobby. She was married five times and had a mind as sharp as a tack. Telling jokes was her icebreaker, always. As her "oldness" progressed, she couldn't tell them as sharply as before. She'd forget a line or two but always remembered the punch line. She was unable to walk for the last five or so years.
I have to go back and see her.....it is hard but I have to do it. I have to face the reality of her impending death. Maybe I don't want to face her death because I am so afraid of the death of my relationship. They both seem overwhelmingly painful.
My relationship with him is on pause. Silence is the main ingredient right now. We talk but only through a single sentence text or by email. I miss him so much. I want him so much. My whole being aches without him. I'm getting it. This pause is forcing me to see the error of my ways. Good! Maybe this is what I truly needed but didn't know it.
HE is wiser than me. The silence IS just as important as the talking. Reflection IS just as important as interaction. HE's right about all of that. Everything I feel doesn't have to come out to him. Editing is great for a relationship. Even if monogamy wasn't the issue, there would be other issues, just as important, just as emotionally charged, just as dividing as this one.
On the bright side, non monogamy isn't as hurtful as, say, drug addiction, or thievery, or other such crimes. All in all, HE is who HE is. I can take him, or I can leave him. Leaving him will only be temporary, while I go back to deal with my grandma and her impending death. I wish HE would go with me.
As for the Universe, bring it. I can handle much more than this!
Why does the saying, "When it rains it pours" feel so true in my life right now. I have to think it's because this is a time in my life that I am being tested. "How much can she take?" the Universe asks as it laughs at me. I am feeling somewhat defeated yet somehow motivated to get my shit in order.
The last time I spoke to my grandma, who I call Oma, she said to me, "Don't wait until it's too late honey," in her deep Southern drawl. "I won't," I lied. It has been painful to see her. The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving 2009. I just haven't been able to bring myself back to her as much as I love her and want to be by her side. She and I had a bond unlike any other.
I just got her. She lead a long, wild life that was way ahead of her time. She was a hairdresser by trade and party girl by hobby. She was married five times and had a mind as sharp as a tack. Telling jokes was her icebreaker, always. As her "oldness" progressed, she couldn't tell them as sharply as before. She'd forget a line or two but always remembered the punch line. She was unable to walk for the last five or so years.
I have to go back and see her.....it is hard but I have to do it. I have to face the reality of her impending death. Maybe I don't want to face her death because I am so afraid of the death of my relationship. They both seem overwhelmingly painful.
My relationship with him is on pause. Silence is the main ingredient right now. We talk but only through a single sentence text or by email. I miss him so much. I want him so much. My whole being aches without him. I'm getting it. This pause is forcing me to see the error of my ways. Good! Maybe this is what I truly needed but didn't know it.
HE is wiser than me. The silence IS just as important as the talking. Reflection IS just as important as interaction. HE's right about all of that. Everything I feel doesn't have to come out to him. Editing is great for a relationship. Even if monogamy wasn't the issue, there would be other issues, just as important, just as emotionally charged, just as dividing as this one.
On the bright side, non monogamy isn't as hurtful as, say, drug addiction, or thievery, or other such crimes. All in all, HE is who HE is. I can take him, or I can leave him. Leaving him will only be temporary, while I go back to deal with my grandma and her impending death. I wish HE would go with me.
As for the Universe, bring it. I can handle much more than this!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Crystal Clear
How do you get someone to see what you see so clearly? You see the train coming, hear the piercing sound of its horn as the decibels exceed what is healthy, especially from that far away, feel the vibration of the tracks and you are screaming to your partner to move away from the train. She doesn't listen. She is laughing and playing with the rocks beside the track when all of a sudden, the strong "whoooosh" as it passes pulls her in then pushes her away. She was near death but didn't fully comprehend this. He saw it all. And he tried to warn her. After a while, and many train like experiences, does her behavior become reckless and irresponsible?
We have never "taken a break". I'm not sure if we are actually doing that or if we are just not talking to each other as much. It's killing me to feel like this; to be this way, with him. HE is tired of my behavior. HE is tired of me beating him over the head about his other relationships. HE sees things so clearly but says I don't. HE says HE's frustrated because I don't want to talk about what really matters.
What really matters, I'm finding out, is that HE stays in my life. What really matters, turns out, is that I will take what I get and be happy about it because the alternative is just not acceptable to me. Everybody has issues and maybe him sleeping around on occasion isn't the worst thing that there could be. Maybe I don't really wanna know about it even though I say I do.
What really matters is what we have together, not what we have with other people. Maybe this has been crystal clear to him and this is what had to happen for me to figure it out too.
We have never "taken a break". I'm not sure if we are actually doing that or if we are just not talking to each other as much. It's killing me to feel like this; to be this way, with him. HE is tired of my behavior. HE is tired of me beating him over the head about his other relationships. HE sees things so clearly but says I don't. HE says HE's frustrated because I don't want to talk about what really matters.
What really matters, I'm finding out, is that HE stays in my life. What really matters, turns out, is that I will take what I get and be happy about it because the alternative is just not acceptable to me. Everybody has issues and maybe him sleeping around on occasion isn't the worst thing that there could be. Maybe I don't really wanna know about it even though I say I do.
What really matters is what we have together, not what we have with other people. Maybe this has been crystal clear to him and this is what had to happen for me to figure it out too.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Heavy Hearts and Sundays
Just when I feel good about things and have my strategy set for how to make it better, HE expresses that HE is unhappy with our relationship. My heart hurts so much. I can't will it to work. I know that nothing will fix this but time.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It Must Be Spring
In the Spring, I plant and nest and get excited about my yard and all the possibilities the season might bring. This year, I'm excited because my blackberry bush is close to producing the first batch of, hopefully, many. One berry is red right now. I cannot wait to pick it and eat it and enjoy the fact that I nurtured that plant all through the winter.
Usually, I plant flowers, water them, until I forget a few weekends in a row, see that they are dying, and either work really hard to revive them or just let them die. But my blackberry bush, and my dwarf orange tree, are two signs that I cared enough, all through the cold, harsh, winter, to keep them alive and well.
It seems that planting and growing things is the metaphor for my relationship. It would seem that I have allowed my relationship, the most important plant of my life, to lose most of its leaves, wilt and cling to life.
We seriously love each other. Neither of us would be in it if we didn't. This I know. This I do not doubt. But I have a part in killing it too. And I don't want to lose it. So, I have to give it all my love and nurturing and care. Even if sometimes the thorns prick me and make my fingers bleed I must attend to it diligently. I must reach in and pull the dead leaves off and make room for the new ones, even if it harbors spiders that bite me and cause my skin to swell.
In the Spring, there will be sunshine and there will be clouds. We will have Santa Anas and offshore winds. There will be rain when it's least expected but there will be many beautiful days. The plant needs all of these to grow and establish its roots and thrive.
It is Spring and it's a season filled with possibilities.
Usually, I plant flowers, water them, until I forget a few weekends in a row, see that they are dying, and either work really hard to revive them or just let them die. But my blackberry bush, and my dwarf orange tree, are two signs that I cared enough, all through the cold, harsh, winter, to keep them alive and well.
It seems that planting and growing things is the metaphor for my relationship. It would seem that I have allowed my relationship, the most important plant of my life, to lose most of its leaves, wilt and cling to life.
We seriously love each other. Neither of us would be in it if we didn't. This I know. This I do not doubt. But I have a part in killing it too. And I don't want to lose it. So, I have to give it all my love and nurturing and care. Even if sometimes the thorns prick me and make my fingers bleed I must attend to it diligently. I must reach in and pull the dead leaves off and make room for the new ones, even if it harbors spiders that bite me and cause my skin to swell.
In the Spring, there will be sunshine and there will be clouds. We will have Santa Anas and offshore winds. There will be rain when it's least expected but there will be many beautiful days. The plant needs all of these to grow and establish its roots and thrive.
It is Spring and it's a season filled with possibilities.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Working It
I love to work with my hands. As I planted in my yard yesterday, the smell of the dirt and the feel of the pots, the plants and all the textures gave me a happy, fluttery feeling in my stomach. Creating....like that, is something I enjoy. I don't have to think about it; I just do it. But as I planted and watered and organized and put things together I thought about my relationship.
Maybe my approach to my relationship should be like my yard work.....just get out there and do it. Spend a little time planning but for the most part, just touch it, smell it, work it and bask in the happy fluttery feeling in my stomach.
Maybe my approach to my relationship should be like my yard work.....just get out there and do it. Spend a little time planning but for the most part, just touch it, smell it, work it and bask in the happy fluttery feeling in my stomach.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Long Time No Write
Sometimes life gets in the way of creativity and expression. Lately, everyday I come home and my ass just feels like it's been run over by a Mack truck and I've been left for dead in the middle of the white hot asphalt! I'm tired.
And things on the relationship front have been all but perfect. HE and I are still together and I'm still hopelessly in love with him. From one minute to the next I can't tell how HE's feeling about me. HE says, "Not all of my moods have anything to do with you". Is that just mean? Or is HE trying to tell me to relax, that HE is not responding to his feelings for me but to a whole host of other stimuli that make him feel tired, or stressed or cranky?
It just seems like HE's over me.....but HE still makes plans with me. That should be enough shouldn't it? Shouldn't I realize that HE loves me otherwise why would HE still make plans and bring up things HE wants to do with me? Bullfights, traveling, new restaurants, etc.....those are the things HE wants to share with me.
The fairytale continues....
It is better to write for yourself and have no audience than to write for an audience and have no self. Unknown
And things on the relationship front have been all but perfect. HE and I are still together and I'm still hopelessly in love with him. From one minute to the next I can't tell how HE's feeling about me. HE says, "Not all of my moods have anything to do with you". Is that just mean? Or is HE trying to tell me to relax, that HE is not responding to his feelings for me but to a whole host of other stimuli that make him feel tired, or stressed or cranky?
It just seems like HE's over me.....but HE still makes plans with me. That should be enough shouldn't it? Shouldn't I realize that HE loves me otherwise why would HE still make plans and bring up things HE wants to do with me? Bullfights, traveling, new restaurants, etc.....those are the things HE wants to share with me.
The fairytale continues....
It is better to write for yourself and have no audience than to write for an audience and have no self. Unknown
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