Today was a good day. I woke up happy. My dreams included him and my cat. I think she has magical powers. Lately, whenever she falls asleep on top of me, I dream about her. The other night, she was a tiger and I was afraid that I needed a "Beware of Tiger" sign to place on my gate in case unsuspecting AT&T salespersons stopped by to upsell me. Last night I dreamed of her again...and I dreamed of him.
I felt calm and cool today. We had good conversations and HE seems more engaged. Maybe it is all about his stress level and how HE's feeling better....but maybe it's because HE prefers me happy and lighthearted.
The other night HE told me that HE loved hanging out with me when I was cool. HE has been very complimentary and we've had great conversation.
I know I cannot predict the future but I am looking forward to it with him.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Cycle
Frustration couldn't be higher. Anxiety grows every weekend when it starts out like it did last night. HE greeted me at the door and it was ....tense. His peck on the lips then step backwards gave me an indication that HE was retreating from me. HE says HE was stepping back to take a look at me because I looked pretty. Ugh....what to believe......we did not have sex....until this morning.
Why do I always feel like time is slipping away.
Breathe....and let it come.....and have faith that it will come.......(sigh)
Why do I always feel like time is slipping away.
Breathe....and let it come.....and have faith that it will come.......(sigh)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A Restart
HE was nice to me. I listened. HE talked more than HE has in months. We touched. We smiled at each other. I felt loved and wanted and partnered. The sex, well, that's always amazing but it was extra so. We had lots to say to each other and we learned something about the other.
It's funny how self expression can free the spirit and make it possible to back up to the time when things were really good. This past weekend felt like a restart, a do over. We had a good weekend together and as this one nears, I feel like there are endless possibilities.
It's funny how self expression can free the spirit and make it possible to back up to the time when things were really good. This past weekend felt like a restart, a do over. We had a good weekend together and as this one nears, I feel like there are endless possibilities.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Mutual Purpose
We both want to feel like we are good enough for our partners, for each other. And we are good enough for our partners but our issues keep us from feeling like we are in the midst of hard issues. And we love each other but we don't communicate very well. In fact, our communication has worsened over the past three years.
HE has told me that HE's turned me into his mother, always being cautious about what HE says and does around me to avoid an emotional response. HE's admitted to physically and emotionally withdrawing. And HE's told me that HE believes I've turned him into my father, just waiting to see how HE will abandon me and make me feel terrible. So, what do we do?
HE will not go to counseling again. I cannot speak to him about it because, well, I think HE is distancing himself from me. Not too long ago I asked him if HE wanted a break. HE said that it hurt his feelings tremendously. I didn't understand why. I was seriously thinking HE wanted to be away from me because, well, that's how I have felt for a long time now. It's confusing to me, his behavior and his words.
Now I sit here realizing that how HE feels about me could ultimately be the death of our relationship. How can HE ever feel about me what HE once did if HE sees me as his mother? All of a sudden it feels like I am everything HE has always said HE didn't want and would not put up with.
My heart really hurts tonight. But his honesty and his forthrightness gives me hope that maybe we can really start to heal now.
HE has told me that HE's turned me into his mother, always being cautious about what HE says and does around me to avoid an emotional response. HE's admitted to physically and emotionally withdrawing. And HE's told me that HE believes I've turned him into my father, just waiting to see how HE will abandon me and make me feel terrible. So, what do we do?
HE will not go to counseling again. I cannot speak to him about it because, well, I think HE is distancing himself from me. Not too long ago I asked him if HE wanted a break. HE said that it hurt his feelings tremendously. I didn't understand why. I was seriously thinking HE wanted to be away from me because, well, that's how I have felt for a long time now. It's confusing to me, his behavior and his words.
Now I sit here realizing that how HE feels about me could ultimately be the death of our relationship. How can HE ever feel about me what HE once did if HE sees me as his mother? All of a sudden it feels like I am everything HE has always said HE didn't want and would not put up with.
My heart really hurts tonight. But his honesty and his forthrightness gives me hope that maybe we can really start to heal now.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Quiet
My soul, my mind, and my body, are quiet today. Do you know what it feels like to realize that a storm has passed? Do you realize the exact moment that you look outside to see the sun beaming its rays on everything? It's like you feel the grass and flowers growing at that moment. Then you realize that the birds have started singing again, that the wind has moved on and the air is still and that it's just....quiet. That's how I feel right now and I'm savoring the feeling.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My Story
There is a difference between "the facts" and "my story". A fact is something that can be substantiated like "HE told me HE couldn't get together on this night." My story is how I interpret the fact. "HE rejected me because HE didn't want to get together on this night, and HE is probably seeing someone else and that's why HE said HE couldn't see me." Experience is part of the story. Instinct is part of the story. But no matter what, the story is, well, just a story. It isn't the facts.
I learned this yesterday. I mean, I internalized this concept and applied it to my life so that I could begin to understand how I set up the world around me, yesterday. I journaled about all of the scenarios and deciphered between fact and story and decided that yes, I do paint my world in a pretty gloomy hue of gray, almost black, rather than give the benefit of the doubt to my partner and keep my world like the beautiful sunrise I saw the other morning with vivid reds, oranges and yellows.
Why?
Why do I feel the need to create negativity and chaos where there is none? I do that. I don't know that I do it when I'm in the moment but when I'm done, when I'm through ripping the trees from the ground and the roofs off the houses while I swirl about with rage, like Katrina, I see the tremendous damage and I feel awful. Then I punish myself for my bad behavior by asking my partner if HE wants to leave me or take a break or somehow show me that I've been bad.
Why?
This is not what I want. Truly it is not what I want. My stories are not getting me closer to what is it that I want. My stories are creating more pain and isolation for me. My stories are creating stress and withdrawal by my partner.
I tend to take on the Helpless persona when I have these chaotic, insecure episodes. Again, for some reason my story leads me to believe that I won't be able to pull out of bad feelings. It's so many years of feeling that way as a kid....no control, no room to express my feelings, taking what I'm given even if it's not acceptable....it is all part of my story.
It can be fixed but I feel sad about it right now. My relationship with him is so important and I hope I don't lose it.
I learned this yesterday. I mean, I internalized this concept and applied it to my life so that I could begin to understand how I set up the world around me, yesterday. I journaled about all of the scenarios and deciphered between fact and story and decided that yes, I do paint my world in a pretty gloomy hue of gray, almost black, rather than give the benefit of the doubt to my partner and keep my world like the beautiful sunrise I saw the other morning with vivid reds, oranges and yellows.
Why?
Why do I feel the need to create negativity and chaos where there is none? I do that. I don't know that I do it when I'm in the moment but when I'm done, when I'm through ripping the trees from the ground and the roofs off the houses while I swirl about with rage, like Katrina, I see the tremendous damage and I feel awful. Then I punish myself for my bad behavior by asking my partner if HE wants to leave me or take a break or somehow show me that I've been bad.
Why?
This is not what I want. Truly it is not what I want. My stories are not getting me closer to what is it that I want. My stories are creating more pain and isolation for me. My stories are creating stress and withdrawal by my partner.
I tend to take on the Helpless persona when I have these chaotic, insecure episodes. Again, for some reason my story leads me to believe that I won't be able to pull out of bad feelings. It's so many years of feeling that way as a kid....no control, no room to express my feelings, taking what I'm given even if it's not acceptable....it is all part of my story.
It can be fixed but I feel sad about it right now. My relationship with him is so important and I hope I don't lose it.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Giving
Giving means extending one's Love with no conditions, no expectations and no boundaries.
Today I want. Today plans have changed and now I want what I want....but HE may not want to give me what I want. But I should be the giver today. I should give him what HE wants. HE wants solitude, and peace and focus and, not me.
I feel myself pushing him to want me. I feel myself looking for reasons HE doesn't want me. I feel angst and stress rising up inside of me. But I am learning to choose peace, not to fight for every single thing I want.
It is important to remember that we all have everything we need now,
What I have now is a beautiful day, a house filled with opportunities, solitude, the ability to be infinitely creative and productive, and many hours left until the sun goes down. Today is filled with possibilities. Maybe I don't get what I desire first, but maybe I will get more out of today than I ever thought I would.
Happy day to you, my Love. And happy day to all.
Excerpts from Love is Letting Go of Fear, by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Today I want. Today plans have changed and now I want what I want....but HE may not want to give me what I want. But I should be the giver today. I should give him what HE wants. HE wants solitude, and peace and focus and, not me.
I feel myself pushing him to want me. I feel myself looking for reasons HE doesn't want me. I feel angst and stress rising up inside of me. But I am learning to choose peace, not to fight for every single thing I want.
It is important to remember that we all have everything we need now,
What I have now is a beautiful day, a house filled with opportunities, solitude, the ability to be infinitely creative and productive, and many hours left until the sun goes down. Today is filled with possibilities. Maybe I don't get what I desire first, but maybe I will get more out of today than I ever thought I would.
Happy day to you, my Love. And happy day to all.
Excerpts from Love is Letting Go of Fear, by Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A New Path
I was happy with the old path. I was happy with the one where I thought we were the only two people in our world. But, times have changed and everyday I search for something inside me to again feel alright. I sit here, in his house, waiting for him to take a break. It feels ok but it feels like I should be elsewhere. Not that I want to be elsewhere...but maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something.
It's hard to let go of what I know. It's hard for me to believe that maybe a new path will lead to even more happiness and bliss. But the new path is here and I'm growing weary of fighting.
It's hard to let go of what I know. It's hard for me to believe that maybe a new path will lead to even more happiness and bliss. But the new path is here and I'm growing weary of fighting.
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