If I could remember that we are exactly alike in many ways, I think I'd be able to understand his infidelity. I told him that the boy was pretty, metrosexual, good looking by average standards. HE heard "He's better looking than you," which is NOT how I feel or what I meant.
HE told me "some of them are better than you in certain ways but not overall." I heard "the other bitches are better than you." It is not how HE feels or what HE meant.
Why does it hurt so much to think about what goes on with him and with them? Why can't I believe that HE truly is NOT looking for a replacement partner...that HE is not trying to hurt me? And why is it so very difficult for me to believe that I deserve his love?
Since the truth has come out, I have watched very closely how I act around men; what stirs them, what provokes and perpetuates conversations, what makes them curious. It is a dance and since I've haven't practiced it in so long, the steps don't come as easily any longer. I almost feel like I am forcing things. But why? I'm not after love, partnership, affection, or companionship.
I choose to sit back and let it come, whatever "it" may be. I choose not to force anything or rush to tell him what I want just because HE is waiting. I choose not to be dishonest with him. I choose to continue to give him all my love and work on my partnership. I choose to pay more attention to myself and not worry about the choices HE makes. And when I do worry, or I do interact with him about the infidelity issues, I choose to remember that we are, for all intents and purposes, exactly alike is many ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment