The Mysterious Dance of Tango

"It takes two to tango," the saying goes. Tango is a very mysterious and fascinating dance focusing on the relationship between the dancers. It is subtle yet strong, sensual yet domineering. If the dancers are not completely in sync with the other it looks completely klutzy, as if two strangers try speaking different languages to one another. The more practice the dancers have together, the more in sync they become...the more they move as one unit, flowing through space and time as if they were truly joined together by a common organ or limb.

This is the dance we have learned and this is the dance we live everyday. If I move towards him, HE takes a step back. If I take two steps back, HE lunges forward like HE is guiding me through this counter-clockwise dance of love. It is emotional and the whole world disappears except for us, as we try not to trip and fall.

It never fails that when I set my head to "off" and stop responding to him too readily, that HE chases me. I keep my emotions to myself. I express very little. I am agreeable. I am even keeled and HE responds readily, eagerly, as if HE is excited to chase me. Is this the magical solution to our issues? Is it really that simple?

My head tells me that it is all a game...that HE is preparing to do me wrong so being extra nice is a way HE thinks HE can head it off at the pass before I catch on. But is that just paranoid? It is certainly not trying to see the beauty in his expressions. HE says everything is just a matter of choice. "You can choose not to feel that way," HE tells me with authority. Is it really that easy? I will test that theory...see if it holds water.

In the meantime, I must remember that HE is the lead dancer, moving me around the dance floor, sometimes with soft steps and smooth twirls and other times with vigor and rapid repetition.

It takes two alright.....but it's still a mystery to me.

1000 Miles of Thereapy*

* Thereapy is the therapy of driving 1000 miles from my home to a magnificent wide open space in Wyoming in a single 15 hour time frame.

Driving has always provided me a safe place to contemplate the world's problems. Along with the songs on the radio, to me, it is the perfect environment for solving problems. If I could drive along a beautiful canopied road, or out in the countryside, or anywhere there is little traffic, it would even be more perfect. Music calms me. Music puts all things into perspective. I would die without music.

Somewhere just North of Las Vegas, I started thinking about him, them and us. And I thought almost nonstop until I got to Idaho, just after Soda Springs.

HE was him before we met. I was me before we met. When we met, HE said, "I want to be a better person with you." HE would talk about how HE wanted to "do it right" and how this was his chance to be the person HE's always wanted to be. I was flattered. I was motivated to be a better person myself...and I was totally head over heels for him.

HE showed me how open and truthful a person can be even if it's hard and even if it is not intuitive. HE showed me how accepting someone can be when you tell them your deepest, darkest, and most embarrassing experiences. HE showed me true desire and how to trust another human being. HE showed me compassion and acceptance for others, even if they are not deserving.

When HE says that the other women are just a small piece of his world, why can't I believe him? I am scared to believe him. I am deathly afraid of being tricked, again. I don't want to be the fool, to give him everything I have only to find out that I've been used, wasted, taken for granted. So what are my options?

I can leave. Ok, not an option. HE is my one.

I can accept and love him for who HE is...which would make him the happiest. If I truly want his happiness, which I have confessed to him on many an occasion, then why can't I just do this... yes, I'd have to actually put my feelings aside and be there for him, support and love him for his good pieces and not so good pieces...According to him, HE'd love me more for this.

I can continue freaking out and asking him every sordid detail about the others, continuing to make this small issue (according to him) an obsession (ugh! Really?) and adding misery to our life together where eventually HE will leave or I will commit suicide (not really, I am much too narcissistic to do such a horrid thing).

Wow, I guess I'll take door number two please! Lots of work to do.

The other thing I figured out is that I do NOT want to sleep with the boy. It is all wrong. It would be a scorekeeping thing. The boy is adorable but he is very broken and I would just feel yucky when it was all over. He doesn't deserve me anyway. I don't mean to judge him but I am in love with someone who I still desire immensely. I can't really imagine dating anyone else much less sleeping with anyone else. I just thought we were through with that game.

If I do decide to try my hand at an open relationship, I certainly want the situation to be one of two ways: 1. with someone I respect and am hot for or 2. in a spontaneous situation with someone I am hot for but wouldn't mind never seeing again. Of course, #2 poses a small problem... I would have to figure out how to let him know before I have sex with the person. I have experience with #2, though, and I feel more comfortable with that one...but there's the issue that would have to be worked out prior to the actual act which could be near impossible.

The drive back will be interesting.

Dear Contemporary Fairytale...

I am so sorry I haven't posted lately. Thing is, I was travelling and when I got there, with all the thoughts, theories and theatrics thundering around in my thick skull, I tried writing them down but the wireless connection was hit or miss and it was mostly miss!

Speaking of miss....I have missed you. You bring me release like nothing else can. Your blank slate provides me with a new experience every time. You do not judge my words or edit my creativity. You are eager to post whatever I want and you do it so professionally.

I only wish you could help me get more of an audience. I am no marketing genious, that's for sure. But, I suppose doing it for the sake of getting it out of my head and onto paper is therapeutic in and of itself and it promotes better writing. So, I will continue to write in an effort to clear my head, feed my heart, foster my creativity, and figure out my fairytale.

Thanks Contemporary Fairytale. You are a good listener.

A Fairytale Weekend

We drove out of town as if we were running from the cops. It was a long time coming and we were excited about this weekend. Our friends hooked us up at a swanky hotel in the desert and we were just a few hours from starting our much needed time off.

In tow was the gin and tonic (our new favorite, homemade, summer cocktail) and all the toys. Of course I brought a few outfits for his visual and tactile pleasures as well. After we unpacked I summoned him to the bedroom where HE found me in a sexy black and pink number, toys all around and a blindfold already on. "Play with me," I requested. Mmmmm and HE obliged. HE took his time. HE looked at me. HE touched me. We played. It was good.

Our weekend was filled with love and laughter and affection. Romance was front and center and we talked, and we sat together with the comfortable silence of two people in love that just want to "be" together.

At the end of our time together, I was happy to let him go.

The Medicine Bag's Magickal Powers

The journey of self sometimes starts much later in life. I say, at least it begins. In my life, I have always been on the journey however, it is only since I began my blog that I have truly been open to learning.

A friend told me about the magickal power of herbs. He said that whatever bothered me, be it health issues or emotional issues, he could produce a bag filled with aromatic herbs and a crystal or magickal stone that could help heal me. My guardian angels would tell him what to choose.

The medicine bag came to me. The aroma was immediately calming. I researched the ingredients of the bag and found that they addressed money, chastity, protection from evil spirits and protection from negativity. The aroma made me happy. "Put it under your pillow and sleep with it for a week, then let me know if anything comes up," he said. I did.

I noticed that I was very happy when I woke up. I didn't remember my dreams but I dreamt. Messages about money appeared everywhere. But, I got no resolution to what's really bothering me...an open relationship. The other positives could have been psychosomatic, but, I say, whatever works.

The journey continues. I found out that I have a fascination with spells. I also learned that I believe that no matter how bad you think something is, or how much you want something, you have to be very careful for what you ask for because selfishness only begets negativity and tragedy. I am closer to the laws of the universe than I once thought.

I can't wait to fall asleep tonight.

Exactly Alike But Different

If I could remember that we are exactly alike in many ways, I think I'd be able to understand his infidelity. I told him that the boy was pretty, metrosexual, good looking by average standards. HE heard "He's better looking than you," which is NOT how I feel or what I meant.

HE told me "some of them are better than you in certain ways but not overall." I heard "the other bitches are better than you." It is not how HE feels or what HE meant.

Why does it hurt so much to think about what goes on with him and with them? Why can't I believe that HE truly is NOT looking for a replacement partner...that HE is not trying to hurt me? And why is it so very difficult for me to believe that I deserve his love?

Since the truth has come out, I have watched very closely how I act around men; what stirs them, what provokes and perpetuates conversations, what makes them curious. It is a dance and since I've haven't practiced it in so long, the steps don't come as easily any longer. I almost feel like I am forcing things. But why? I'm not after love, partnership, affection, or companionship.

I choose to sit back and let it come, whatever "it" may be. I choose not to force anything or rush to tell him what I want just because HE is waiting. I choose not to be dishonest with him. I choose to continue to give him all my love and work on my partnership. I choose to pay more attention to myself and not worry about the choices HE makes. And when I do worry, or I do interact with him about the infidelity issues, I choose to remember that we are, for all intents and purposes, exactly alike is many ways.

Irony

Ironically, I feel closer to him than ever before. HE has been more open and honest and has pushed through a lot of difficult questions. I have been more open and honest and I have put my feelings before his. It has been rewarding in many ways and I feel more confident about myself as a result.

I emailed him today about this. I told him that I see a change in him. I do. It is scary to think about the next time HE gets ready to make a date with her. Will HE tell me? Won't HE? It will be up to him....

But until the bad feelings resume their places in my heart and in my head, I will just revel in the feelings of hope and love that reside there today.

Energy Relationships

Is it possible for a person to feel another person's energy even when they are not present? Does a person think of someone because that other person's energy has penetrated a boundary or sent their energy to said first person? You ever have that experience where a friend calls you and you say, "OMG I was just thinking about you." Can you summon energy from someone?

There has to be something to this kind of connection. We are so sensitive to one another that even the slightest expression, movement, tone, is noticed. I can feel when HE isn't home...isn't falling within his normal routine. It's part of what made me so suspicious of him in the first place. When his infidelities finally came out, my suspicions about when were right on (generally speaking). And it truly was more than knowing his general schedule.

I once new a lady who's husband died while on the job. I performed CPR, unsuccessfully for him. While at the funeral, I learned that at the moment he died, she reported, he came to her bedside in the Philippines, where she was visiting family. She knew that he was dead before she got the phone call.

My mother, who was not all that close to her father, called him after years of not speaking to him, because she felt that something was wrong. Her feelings were correct; he had died earlier in the day.

Once I dreamed that my suitcase was damaged when I grabbed it from the carousel. My father and I were on a trip and were leaving to come home the next day. When I retrieved my suitcase from the carousel, it was damaged just like in the dream.

My grandmother and I are constantly in tune with each other. Some would call it a subconscious schedule...that the same time each week or each cycle, we are used to hearing from the other. I know it's something greater.

While I read everywhere that the myth that we only use 10% of our brain power is untrue, I do think that we are not in tune with all that our brain can detect. We just don't follow every instinct and intuition because we have socialized ourselves not to....

We can never know the extent of these relationships but if we just open our minds to the possibilities, we just might get glimpses of them in the most intriguing and provocative ways.

Yin and Yang We Go Together

Sometimes the conversations are so difficult. It's not that we are so different as we just have different ways of communicating to each other. HE tends to wait until every detail is worked out in his head before HE expresses himself. It's as if HE doesn't want to deliver a half wrapped present. I, on the other hand, want to give the present to him before I pay for it and get it out of the store....this causes, well, difficulties.

HE would rather I tell him the worst case scenario then surprise him if it doesn't happen. "I want to sleep with the boy," HE'd rather me say then tell him I won't go through with it. But what if is not my intention to sleep with him? What if I really don't know what my intentions are at this point, only having met the boy once outside of the initial meeting? Is it better to prepare for the worst and be surprised by something less that the worst?

I use my judgement but HE doesn't believe in my judgement. HE believes in his though. If HE waits to tell me that HE has seen someone else, but I wait to tell him that the boy asked me out, it's somehow different to him. I get it on so many levels. I get that you can't be confident in someone else's thoughts and feelings like you are with your own because you can't slice open their brains, crawl inside and hibernate all winter until you feel very confident they feel like you do. But even so, HE judges me for my judgement.

HE wants me to put more thought into my questions. I want him to just talk more. I want to see him working through his feelings. HE wants to hear that I have well planned thoughts and already have the details worked out in my head.

HE doesn't want me to sleep with the boy, or anybody else for that matter. But HE wants to continue sleeping with her and whomever else happens to appear on his radar.

Push and pull; right and wrong; good and evil; ebb and flow; light and darkness; yin and yang...we go together and can't be without the other. It is a perfect balance even in all of our fearful, imbalanced discussions. And at the end of the day, I ache for him just as much as I did the day before. HE and I belong together.