I woke at 4am. To the West, the sky was red. To the East, it was still dark from the night. I saw heat lightning and clouds. "Red skies at night, sailor's delight; red skies at morning, sailor's take warning," came to mind as I moved back into my bed and drifted off to sleep. 6am came too early but the weather excited me.
Rain reminds me of jogging through the woods not being able to decipher between the sweat and the drops that penetrate my clothing. It reminds me of those summer afternoons when the torrential downpours would suddenly cease and the steam would rise slowly to the sky from the hot asphalt as, once again, the Sun would make her appearance.
Thunder remind me of those days at the beach, staring through the balcony screens towards the horizon, as the wind blew through, watching the white caps increase and decrease until once again, the water was still and the clouds had moved inland.
Lightning reminds me of all those cow fields I'd pass each day on my way to school and how one time all the cows under that one old oak tree died because the lightning struck. It reminds me of home, and no tv or electricity and how of all my friends I was only one who was not afraid.
Storms are beautiful and nostalgic and dramatic. I felt happy today because a rare storm blew through and I got to smell the earth and the asphalt and the dog that left his muddy paw prints on my white carpet.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Retreat Continued...
...so I posted yesterday about some nuggets that I collected from this work retreat that could also apply to my relationships...well in the closing of the retreat we had "Next Steps". We offered how we would make a change in an effort to improve our team and ourselves. Here is what I committed to:
1. Listen more actively. (If HE reads this, HE will laugh out loud, roll his eyes and make total fun of me. I think HE doesn't believe I am capable!) But, yes, I did commit to it. Listening is how we learn, hear others' ideas, and support each other. I want to achieve excellent listening skills.
2. Approach situations from the position of curiosity, not certainty. I have actually practiced this today and not only did the person on the other end of the conversation receive me more openly, but I felt calmer. An example: instead of saying, "I have this great idea of how we fix x issue," say, "Is it possible for us to come up with a way to fix x issue together?" Pose thoughts as inquiries, enlist teamwork and partnership. Not intuitive for me but immediately effective.
There are a few more but they mostly apply to facilitating meetings so I'll save that for work. Some people challenge themselves by running marathons or signing up for the Ironman triathlon, but for me, this is the most intense challenge I could sign up for.
1. Listen more actively. (If HE reads this, HE will laugh out loud, roll his eyes and make total fun of me. I think HE doesn't believe I am capable!) But, yes, I did commit to it. Listening is how we learn, hear others' ideas, and support each other. I want to achieve excellent listening skills.
2. Approach situations from the position of curiosity, not certainty. I have actually practiced this today and not only did the person on the other end of the conversation receive me more openly, but I felt calmer. An example: instead of saying, "I have this great idea of how we fix x issue," say, "Is it possible for us to come up with a way to fix x issue together?" Pose thoughts as inquiries, enlist teamwork and partnership. Not intuitive for me but immediately effective.
There are a few more but they mostly apply to facilitating meetings so I'll save that for work. Some people challenge themselves by running marathons or signing up for the Ironman triathlon, but for me, this is the most intense challenge I could sign up for.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Quotes and Relationships
Busy in my own head while at a "team-building" retreat for work (ra ra go team! ugh!) I learned more about myself and my relationship than I thought possible at a work retreat. Below are some quotes and my reflections about my relationship with him:
If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. African Proverb
Alone is what we are when we hold onto secrets. Fast is the speed of volatile emotions when those secrets come to light. Far is where we've been and where we're going especially if we decide to allow the other to be themselves, accept the other faults and all, and actively pursue bringing each other more into ourselves for better understanding and friendship. Fast is the past. Far is the future. (Kaye T.)
Act your way into a new way of thinking. Kevin Buck
We have reached a new understanding in our relationship. I understand that HE will fuck other people whether or not I like it. I am still not sure how to think, feel or act about this. But, instead of mull over the past, the hurt, the lack of partnership in all of this, I must move into the future with this man I have fallen deeply in love with and spent the last decade of my life with. I am acting like it is all good. Everyday is a new day and sometimes I don't do such a great job at this but "fake it 'til you make it" comes to mind.
One of the most challenging things in a relationship is realizing that the other person is NOT you. Kevin Buck
I know this intellectually, but I do not know this emotionally. If we match, then we see the world in the same way. If we love each other, then we see in each other what we see in ourselves. If we want to be together "forever" then we finish each others' sentences, thoughts, dreams, etc. Right? Ummm, no. But if we are so different, doesn't that mean that there's a better chance of us breaking up, "growing apart", or possibly falling in love with someone else?
This statement, all on it's own, is probably the single most frightening statement someone can say to me. Maybe I'm afraid that my partner will find out that I don't know myself or that I am boring or lazy or not driven or that maybe I still seek validation from others or that I need reassurance because my self esteem is not as high as his. Or maybe I'm just afraid that I might outgrow him, that if I let go I might find something in him that I don't want to tolerate or that HE might not want me anymore if I grow too much.
Maybe change scares the shit out of me and if we are individuals, not linked by a common thought, a common dream, a common anything, then I must keep finding new ways to redefine myself and be interesting. Or, and this is the last or, maybe I over think everything because this man is seriously my match and it won't matter what I do, or HE does, we will be the exception and not the rule and I am scared to death to see what happens if we are the rule.
I do believe, though, that if we become the same person, with the same dreams and hopes and thoughts, that we will become the rule and cease being the exception. Be brave Kaye T.
If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together. African Proverb
Alone is what we are when we hold onto secrets. Fast is the speed of volatile emotions when those secrets come to light. Far is where we've been and where we're going especially if we decide to allow the other to be themselves, accept the other faults and all, and actively pursue bringing each other more into ourselves for better understanding and friendship. Fast is the past. Far is the future. (Kaye T.)
Act your way into a new way of thinking. Kevin Buck
We have reached a new understanding in our relationship. I understand that HE will fuck other people whether or not I like it. I am still not sure how to think, feel or act about this. But, instead of mull over the past, the hurt, the lack of partnership in all of this, I must move into the future with this man I have fallen deeply in love with and spent the last decade of my life with. I am acting like it is all good. Everyday is a new day and sometimes I don't do such a great job at this but "fake it 'til you make it" comes to mind.
One of the most challenging things in a relationship is realizing that the other person is NOT you. Kevin Buck
I know this intellectually, but I do not know this emotionally. If we match, then we see the world in the same way. If we love each other, then we see in each other what we see in ourselves. If we want to be together "forever" then we finish each others' sentences, thoughts, dreams, etc. Right? Ummm, no. But if we are so different, doesn't that mean that there's a better chance of us breaking up, "growing apart", or possibly falling in love with someone else?
This statement, all on it's own, is probably the single most frightening statement someone can say to me. Maybe I'm afraid that my partner will find out that I don't know myself or that I am boring or lazy or not driven or that maybe I still seek validation from others or that I need reassurance because my self esteem is not as high as his. Or maybe I'm just afraid that I might outgrow him, that if I let go I might find something in him that I don't want to tolerate or that HE might not want me anymore if I grow too much.
Maybe change scares the shit out of me and if we are individuals, not linked by a common thought, a common dream, a common anything, then I must keep finding new ways to redefine myself and be interesting. Or, and this is the last or, maybe I over think everything because this man is seriously my match and it won't matter what I do, or HE does, we will be the exception and not the rule and I am scared to death to see what happens if we are the rule.
I do believe, though, that if we become the same person, with the same dreams and hopes and thoughts, that we will become the rule and cease being the exception. Be brave Kaye T.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Today
Sometimes love is best felt from afar. Sometimes closeness reminds you of everything that is missing. Sometimes thinking of everything else forces thoughts of love to creep in and consume your happy space.
Today was a beautiful day. I felt love. I gave love.
I didn't see him at all today. And it made me happy.
Today was a beautiful day. I felt love. I gave love.
I didn't see him at all today. And it made me happy.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
I Am the Wind
I would love it if HE was more open with me. I requested this as a partial solution to the wedge that currently sits between us. This is the story HE offered.
The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: "I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin." So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on. Kindness effects more than severity.
Aesop
I need to be the Sun. But can I be? Am I the Wind because I was born the Wind or because my circumstances have left me with those strengths and weaknesses?
I love him more for sharing this with me.
The Wind and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: "I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin." So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on. Kindness effects more than severity.
Aesop
I need to be the Sun. But can I be? Am I the Wind because I was born the Wind or because my circumstances have left me with those strengths and weaknesses?
I love him more for sharing this with me.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I Can Tell
I can tell when HE's mad at me. HE says HE's ok or that it's no big deal but I can tell. It is in his eyes, in the way HE won't touch me or look at me. It is in his cock as he plunges it deep inside of me, maybe just because I asked him for it. HE needs space. And I must be brave enough to let him go.
Love and Need
Howard Stern is a regular part of my weekday commute. Despite his bad reputation, he is actually a well adjusted, intelligent, and thoughtful guy. In a show this week he asked a "whack-packer" why he liked counting on others so much. He wanted to know what benefit did it serve him to depend on others. He said for himself, when others did things for him, it "...felt a lot like love...". So I pondered for myself the relationship between love and need, or the idea of need as it relates to love.
I'm convinced my mother crippled me, figuratively speaking, so that I would depend on her more. She needed to feel needed in order to feel loved. If I behaved independently, she felt threatened. I guess, to some degree, I feel the same way now. If my kids ignore me, especially when I ache to get affection from them, I feel unloved. If they ask me for something, something they need, I feel loved, and wanted. It's a sort of fucked up approach to any relationship.
Why do I place my self worth on what others need, want, give to me? Why does it make me feel better about myself if someone thinks I'm important or needs something I have? Yet here I sit, self worth all wrapped up in love and need.
When HE plans our dates, I feel immensely important. When HE asks me to pick something up for him at the store, it makes me feel loved. Why? The only explanation I have is that that is my sole experience rests on thinking that need equals love. I feel stupid for not having another explanation but at this time, either I'm not enlightened or there isn't one.
How else do I feel love? I feel it from affection. I feel it from a sincere compliment. I feel it when I'm included in otherwise unimportant traditions or decisions or activities. I feel it when I am thought of in the context of anything.
Conversely, if HE forgets to open a door for me, or doesn't ask me if HE can pick something up at the store for me, I feel unloved. Not all the time but as a general rule. Again, it's totally fucked up and I know it, but I don't understand enough of myself to know why I feel this way.
For now, I continue to ponder and continue to explore when I feel loved and when I feel unloved and how being needed or being unneeded feeds me. Stay tuned...
I'm convinced my mother crippled me, figuratively speaking, so that I would depend on her more. She needed to feel needed in order to feel loved. If I behaved independently, she felt threatened. I guess, to some degree, I feel the same way now. If my kids ignore me, especially when I ache to get affection from them, I feel unloved. If they ask me for something, something they need, I feel loved, and wanted. It's a sort of fucked up approach to any relationship.
Why do I place my self worth on what others need, want, give to me? Why does it make me feel better about myself if someone thinks I'm important or needs something I have? Yet here I sit, self worth all wrapped up in love and need.
When HE plans our dates, I feel immensely important. When HE asks me to pick something up for him at the store, it makes me feel loved. Why? The only explanation I have is that that is my sole experience rests on thinking that need equals love. I feel stupid for not having another explanation but at this time, either I'm not enlightened or there isn't one.
How else do I feel love? I feel it from affection. I feel it from a sincere compliment. I feel it when I'm included in otherwise unimportant traditions or decisions or activities. I feel it when I am thought of in the context of anything.
Conversely, if HE forgets to open a door for me, or doesn't ask me if HE can pick something up at the store for me, I feel unloved. Not all the time but as a general rule. Again, it's totally fucked up and I know it, but I don't understand enough of myself to know why I feel this way.
For now, I continue to ponder and continue to explore when I feel loved and when I feel unloved and how being needed or being unneeded feeds me. Stay tuned...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sadie's Bed
So check out Sadie's Open Marriage blog if you don't read already. HE sent me the link for today's post and says HE likes. I liked it too but I think for different reasons.
HE never really says why HE likes or dislikes links HE sends to me. HE says HE forwards because there's something HE wants to share with me. Fair enough. But I have to sometimes guess why HE likes or dislikes things. It's not simple for me. I don't just appreciate. (Yes, I do know that can be exhausting and a flaw on certain levels, but it's who I am. I'm a dissector!)
Back to Sadie...she expresses how much she and her hubby love their bed and discusses all that goes on in it. She talks about how it was supposed to mean one thing but due to their lifestyle, it didn't mean that one thing and that it's pretty much ok because they still love their bed. (I'm completely summarizing because you really should just go to her blog and read for yourself.)
Thinking about us, then....well yea! I'd love "our" bed too, if we had a bed together. We don't live together so we have his bed (a little too soft) and my bed (much too hard but excellent if you're a stomach sleeper like me) (Oh, and it's excellent for having sex cuz it doesn't give so you can feel everything!)
Second point, yea, I'd love our bed too if we weren't in this phase of our grand love affair where HE's having the affair and I'm the one in love. (Yes, HE's in love too, with me, but it sounded more poetic to describe us that way.) Betrayal and deception and all of that are not quite out of our way yet, which is a reason why Sadie thinks that beds are "sacred". And we have not stated we will have an open relationship. Baby steps I'm guessing.
After allowing the blog entry to swirl around my taste buds for a bit, and thinking of our situation and guessing why HE might really like it, I had a few thoughts:
1. Sadie doesn't have to wonder if she'll ever marry or live with her primary. She's all set.
2. Sadie and her hubby are completely open and honest about how they choose to live their lives and they have settled on acceptable "rules", together. The struggle, if there once was one, is all in the past.
3. Sadie is confident in her position in her hubby's life. She doesn't have to wonder if he is out wooing others and hiding details from her. She is privy to his meanderings.
Maybe HE is confident in our relationship in a way that I am not at this point. I know that I love being in bed with him, no matter whose it is. I'm not so sure about allowing others into mine. HE claims no one has been allowed to enter his... so for now, I have to believe that his bed, and my bed, are sacred. I love them both but only because I get to share them with him.
HE never really says why HE likes or dislikes links HE sends to me. HE says HE forwards because there's something HE wants to share with me. Fair enough. But I have to sometimes guess why HE likes or dislikes things. It's not simple for me. I don't just appreciate. (Yes, I do know that can be exhausting and a flaw on certain levels, but it's who I am. I'm a dissector!)
Back to Sadie...she expresses how much she and her hubby love their bed and discusses all that goes on in it. She talks about how it was supposed to mean one thing but due to their lifestyle, it didn't mean that one thing and that it's pretty much ok because they still love their bed. (I'm completely summarizing because you really should just go to her blog and read for yourself.)
Thinking about us, then....well yea! I'd love "our" bed too, if we had a bed together. We don't live together so we have his bed (a little too soft) and my bed (much too hard but excellent if you're a stomach sleeper like me) (Oh, and it's excellent for having sex cuz it doesn't give so you can feel everything!)
Second point, yea, I'd love our bed too if we weren't in this phase of our grand love affair where HE's having the affair and I'm the one in love. (Yes, HE's in love too, with me, but it sounded more poetic to describe us that way.) Betrayal and deception and all of that are not quite out of our way yet, which is a reason why Sadie thinks that beds are "sacred". And we have not stated we will have an open relationship. Baby steps I'm guessing.
After allowing the blog entry to swirl around my taste buds for a bit, and thinking of our situation and guessing why HE might really like it, I had a few thoughts:
1. Sadie doesn't have to wonder if she'll ever marry or live with her primary. She's all set.
2. Sadie and her hubby are completely open and honest about how they choose to live their lives and they have settled on acceptable "rules", together. The struggle, if there once was one, is all in the past.
3. Sadie is confident in her position in her hubby's life. She doesn't have to wonder if he is out wooing others and hiding details from her. She is privy to his meanderings.
Maybe HE is confident in our relationship in a way that I am not at this point. I know that I love being in bed with him, no matter whose it is. I'm not so sure about allowing others into mine. HE claims no one has been allowed to enter his... so for now, I have to believe that his bed, and my bed, are sacred. I love them both but only because I get to share them with him.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Focus
Often times I feel that I lack focus. I can focus and I do focus on a daily basis, depending on what I'm doing, but I can't focus on one thing for too long. It is a defect. I believe that if I focus too much on one thing I will miss something else. Recently, I was cleaning out my filing cabinet when I realized that I had taken a trip down memory lane. It felt like I had been at it for hours. If I was, so what? But I immediately dropped what I was doing to call him. For whatever reason I needed to feel connected. Weird.
Can a person be too focused on a task? I think it's possible. HE says that I get mad at him when HE's really busy and doesn't have time for me. Usually HE's focusing on work or some project when HE says this. My mind just doesn't work like his. I don't focus as much as HE does on anything.......except on him.
Contemplation lead me to believe that I focus way too much on him. It's not obsession but it's an extreme distraction. It's fear and hope and desire and love and business and planning and the future and the present and the past all rolled up into one big thought process. HE notices it and so do I. Why do I care what HE does when we're not together? Why do I care at all what HE does as long as when we are together HE is good to me?
I must narrow my focus on him and broaden it on everything else. Maybe it's what will equalize all the emotions that have been ruling my life for the last couple of years. Maybe meditation will help. I'll keep you posted.
Can a person be too focused on a task? I think it's possible. HE says that I get mad at him when HE's really busy and doesn't have time for me. Usually HE's focusing on work or some project when HE says this. My mind just doesn't work like his. I don't focus as much as HE does on anything.......except on him.
Contemplation lead me to believe that I focus way too much on him. It's not obsession but it's an extreme distraction. It's fear and hope and desire and love and business and planning and the future and the present and the past all rolled up into one big thought process. HE notices it and so do I. Why do I care what HE does when we're not together? Why do I care at all what HE does as long as when we are together HE is good to me?
I must narrow my focus on him and broaden it on everything else. Maybe it's what will equalize all the emotions that have been ruling my life for the last couple of years. Maybe meditation will help. I'll keep you posted.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Seriously
There has never been a time that I have been described as "the fun girl". I am way too serious. I grew up in a serious, volatile environment. Being the only child didn't really give me a chance to laugh and play all the time. A lot of times I find myself wondering why people laugh at certain things. Seriously, I don't get what's funny. Things make me laugh. I do laugh. I do smile. But I don't understand how to be light. I do have joy in my life but I constantly wonder how to be "funner".
I am smiling as I write this because it seems oddly ridiculous. I wonder if there are self help books on how to be more fun, or how to take life less seriously....LOL Well, at least I am good at entertaining myself.
What are some ways you'd recommend having more fun?
I am smiling as I write this because it seems oddly ridiculous. I wonder if there are self help books on how to be more fun, or how to take life less seriously....LOL Well, at least I am good at entertaining myself.
What are some ways you'd recommend having more fun?
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