I used to think that fidelity was my burden to bear in this life...or should I say, lack of fidelity. But now, that I seem to have gotten over the urge to lay with men because they showed interest in me, I have found something else to learn about. Seems that Happiness is my true lesson to learn.
For the past few years I have felt increasingly anxious about my relationship. It is very good but things have changed. Maybe I am crazy but maybe he has slipped back into his old habits. It would be very easy to slip back into mine just to numb my senses but for some reason, I don't want to. Afterall, to love is to be open and to be open is to be vulnerable.
So, here I am, vulnerable and without a back up plan. I have spent too much time trying to figure out if he, too, will just end up tricking me and fucking me over. I try and try to catch him and not in the most discrete ways. He knows me. Better than I know myself really.
But am I crazy or is he full of shit? I should hope it is neither but that two mates are just trying to figure this out together.
I love the way your journal is chronicling your own struggle with happiness--who you want to be, who you think your partner is, etc. It's very honest.
ReplyDeleteIn my own experience focusing on "being the partner you want to have" is far more effective than trying to police someone else's fidelity. Kindness and generous spirit in a relationship often times inspires our partners to strive to be the best version of themselves.
But I do understand how hard it is to trust. Trust requires such risk. Not easy!