Irrelevance

Maybe it happens to all writers at some point or another.  Maybe it's just me.  When I sit down to write, sometimes I have been thinking of my relationship for so long but I edit before I even get to the page.  I wonder what will be meaningful and fascinating.  Sometimes, I admit, I write to get out some feelings and thoughts and I don't really care if it's meaningful or fascinating.  I do it for me.  Which, I believe, is what we all should be writing for.

Many days, though, I just feel irrelevant.  I'm not being dramatic but I believe that there's really nothing I have to say that's important, meaningful or fascinating to anyone.  I think I have a fear of feeling irrelevant.  And sometimes, when I have too much to say or my story doesn't flow or my thoughts are all jumbled, I get frustrated and just say, to myself, "Screw it.  I have nothing to say." 

I've always had trouble marketing myself...in everything...well, except for my profession.  If I think about it, marketing myself as a professional is much more irrelevant than marketing myself as a real, interesting, person.  I mean who cares what I do to earn a paycheck except maybe my boss and a few people at the company right?  But in the world, there are so many people that I come in contact with and if I am interesting, fascinating, fun, etc...I have so much more to gain...like party invites and developing friendships and super great experiences. 

Today I feel somewhat irrelevant.  Not in a depressed, "nobody loves me" way, more in a "I am a speck in the universe" way.  I guess I should revel in these moments as well because every moment in a life counts and something beautiful can come if I keep my mind open.  Now, I am going to disappear into my bed and dream sweet dreams. 

End of the Weekend

"If you dream about me I'll give you more in the morning," HE says as HE rolls off of me just after giving me a spectacular orgasm.  I always dream of him.  It has been that way since the beginning.  My very first dream of him told me that he had many women, like a harem.  I awoke knowing that my dream was sending me a very clear message, which, as it turns out, is still and has always been true.  

HE will always have many women.  I am trying to overcome my rage and jealousy and feelings of betrayal but when HE says something that lends itself to a smart ass comment, I can't resist.  But I digress.

I awoke this morning in his arms.  His warmth radiates to me as if HE was built to keep me warm.  His skin is smooth and smells like the rich earth.  HE rolls on top of me, kisses me lightly but passionately and slides into me with vigor.  It doesn't take long for us to orgasm together.  "Good morning," HE says with smiling eyes. 

I dreamt of him all through the day.  We had a pretty good week together.

Sex Beside Them

We met.  PB&J and us...we finally met.  I wasn't nervous.  Maybe it's because I didn't have a true attraction for him or even for her.  Or maybe it's because we had been talking about it for so long and they had told us of numerous couples they've tried to be with that, basically, wimped out, so I was not going to let the challenge beat me.  Or maybe it's because I was floating on a high, literally, of alcohol, oh and the fact that a very handsome boy had flirted with me just hours before.  No matter, I was in a great mood, with my man by my side, on our way to an adventure.

We roamed around for a bit making small talk but soon entered the curtained room where there was the queen sized bed.  We plopped down and talked and laughed.  HE was extremely quiet.  I was pretty chatty....no big deal.  She brought up a big bag and asked if we wanted to see her toys.  She shared.  They were pretty tame, except for that huge massager.  (I don't get how that doesn't just desensitize the hell out of a woman's clit.)  HE slipped behind me and began running his hands up and down my bare legs.  I wore a mini skirt and a low cut, sleeveless top.  No undergarments.  I wanted there to be easy access!

They took their clothes off and just started going at it.  So much for foreplay! HE and I took it a bit slower.  HE lifted my skirt and went down on me.  PB&J were performing the same act and almost as if we'd rehearsed it, the girls gave the boys blow jobs.  His cock was extra hard.  I don't think it was from being attracted to her as much as it was just the excitement of the moment.  We were isolated but there were people all around.  Only a curtain separated us from them. 

As the couple banged, her leg rested on mine.  She reached over and touched my tits.  I didn't mind.  I returned the gesture.  He touched me too.  HE entered me with his extra firm mandhood and pumped slowly.  HE bent down and kissed me and told me how wet my pussy was.  Maybe I was extra excited by the moment as well.  We didn't end up swapping at all but at one point, when HE was fucking me, the other one reached down and kissed me like an inexperienced teenager.  HE said that HE thought the guy had been waiting to do that for a while...maybe that was true. 

She wasn't feeling so good so the party was cut short.  All in all, it was a nice experience.  It didn't really leave me aching for anything more than that.  But it was a new and exciting experience.  The best part was that we did it together. 

Love for Me

I love myself again.  It has been a long time but I have found myself again.  Life is beautiful and everything around me is falling into place.

Writing hasn't come easy for me these last few weeks but there is much to say and share.  I will be inspired again soon.