What a fucked up day!

It seems the only time I want to post to this blog...which, by the way, was named for the hopeless romantic that has seemed to diminish before my eyes, is when I feel like shit.  There was no one thing that made today a shitty day but it was a series of "unfortunate events" all linked together to form a fucked up day.

Why do I want to blame my feelings on the vet, my daughter, my boyfriend, and my employer?  Why do feelings have to have a "cause"?  Can they not just be feelings? 

I might change the name of this blog...but for now I will continue to feel what I feel and try to make sense of it.  I will also give thanks and gratitude for what I have because that's the right thing to do. 

Some Days.....Like Today

Some days there is a strong desire to go home to my partner and get that hug that I know can make me feel like I'm not alone in the world.  And sometimes, even if nothing is said all night long, it would be nice to get cozy in our house, complete the evening chores, then fall asleep side by side. 

And sometimes it would be nice to know that I could always go home to him...even if we were mad at each other, but to know that we were committed in that way too. 

It is nice to still feel so drawn to him, even after all this time. 

Hope you are having a wonderful night my love.

Happy Veteran's Day

To everyone who has fought for our country, I say thank you.  I will never really understand what it means but I understand that every family has probably had or has someone who has served in our military at one time or another.

My greatgrandfather was in WW1.  I have his tags, which I wear on occasion.  I have his diaries...one entry struck me...he wrote that while sitting under a tree, he opened a can of peaches and relished how amazing they tasted (he didn't use those words of course) but it was so simple yet something he wrote home about. 

My father served in the Army only for a short time and never saw war.  My uncle, his brother, served in VietNam.  He was a helicopter gunner.  His plane was shot down and he suffered loss of one eye, missing fingers and years of health issues. 

Thank you for the jobs done to keep our country open for me to sit here and write about what I feel and not worry about who will edit me or whether or not I will be safe.

Opinionated and Opinionaided

Sometimes thinking about it just convolutes the issues.  I get it when he says he doesn't want to talk about anything and that he just wants to "enjoy me".  I want to enjoy everything too!  I do not come from a place of lightness, of playfulness, of letting things roll off my back like water off a duck's. 

What I am learning, though, is to slow down, be more patient, and not take everything as if it will be my last chance at it.  That sort of "all or nothing" attitude was learned, and now I'm unlearning it.  If he wants to be mad at me, that's his stuff.  I don't feel like I need to chase after him anymore.  Either things will be good or they won't.  But no matter what, I will be ok. 

I have turned my attention to silly things, like the Opinionaided app, on my iphone.  That makes me happy.  It's silly, doesn't take a lot thought and ya know what, I am learning a ton about myself.  I am funny, and lighthearted, and interesting and I give really good advice (as evidenced by my "Top advisor" status!)  LOL

Today is a good day.  Happy Friday.

Moving Ahead

Wow, it's been since June that I've written...well, that's ok. A lot has changed since then.  I'm growing.  I'm letting the past rest there..where it should stay.  And I'm learning to love and accept him and myself, for who we are.

That's a hard thing to do.  But I am nicer to myself now.  And I read a lot about zen habits, facing fears and being happy.  All those things help.

We have reached sort of an equilibrium amongst the hurt feelings.  But we both are still here and we are trying to move ahead.  I can't make him want to tell the truth.  I can't forget how much he has hurt me.

But we have something really special and it's worth all of this.  I am happy today.  And I am grateful for so much in Life.  I am grateful that I have someone that loves me and comes back week after week even though he doesn't know if I'm going to accept him or hate him.  I am healthy.  I have a wonderful circle of friends.

Stuck

According to my research, I seem to be stuck in phase three of dealing with infidelity in a relationship.  Phase three occurs once you realize that the relationship you thought you had, or once did have, can never be the same again.  You realize that everything has changed and that nothing will ever be the same.  Oh, and you don't know if it will be better yet.  The silver lining is, however, if you and your partner have not separated or broken up and are still working on things, you have a good chance of making it work if you continue dealing with things.

So, I guess I should feel good about this.  I just still feel stuck.  And, according to the research, if I can't get out of this phase three, then all my future relationships, should this one not survive, will also be fucked because I will be angry, depressed and will never trust anyone again. 

With everything inside I want to blame him.  But, according to the research, that is not healthy and I should take responsibility for my part in all of it.  I can't imagine what my part was in the cheating that has taken place and is still taking place after nine years!  Oh, yea, that's right....I started it when I cheated first.  So, I guess I should suck it up because his cheating is all my fault?

If I dismiss the bullshit of his "friendships" and if I take everything HE says about them at face value, like "I don't put that much effort into the friendships", "It's just the way I socialize" and that "...there is no contest, you (meaning me) win...." then everything is perfect.  But I get so wound up when HE won't confess. 

Love and accept him for who HE is.  Faults and all.  For better or worse.  See happiness....... we had a bad night last night.  And I won't see him again for a while. 

Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend, since nine years ago, has forever been labeled as a shitty weekend.  Last year, we got into a motorcycle accident when some asshole made an illegal u-turn.  Thank the Universe we were only doing 25mph!  HE sustained a broken orbital bone, the part closest to the nose on his right side, and some hurt ribs.  I sustained a little strawberry (first degree) on my elbow.  HE was injured because I was on the back of the BMW tour bike.  I still feel bad.  I should have leaned way back, not held onto him tighter.  They think his ribs were shoved into the handle bars.  His sunglasses smashed into his face.   The fucker that hit us, of course, had no insurance.  Thousands of dollars later, the bike was fixed and his faced healed nicely.

A year before that, his dog died!  The dog was 15 years old but still.  It is like a family member leaves you.  It was a sad day.  HE remembers the day every year.

A few years before that, I cheated oh him.  That was the "incident" that hexed this weekend forever in his mind. 

This year, my Oma died.  See post before this one.

This year, I'm determined to change the meaning of this weekend forever.  We have had an amazing time together.  We are reconnecting and bonding and feeling good about everything.  I am relaxed, hopeful, and more in love with him than ever. 

Happy Memorial Day Weekend.